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Well laugher helps keep us in the mood and intune with the universe. So let make each other laugh with jokes!!! No holes barred, no joke is too racist, no joke is sexist, so long it makes you laugh, it a damm good one.
As usual i will go first

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

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Golf lesson

Well, what should I do?", asked the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW! He hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asked the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP !d

The ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said.

"Now, take the club out of your mouth, and hold it in your hands!"
HOHHHHHOOOOOO....OH>>>>Can't stop laughing...OH>>>OH>>HO>>HO>>Heeee...ooohh....that's the best.
This thread is GREAT! Really made my day!
I t was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little
old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the
car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here, we'd get
screwed .so we're just waiting.
I love it, thanks !!!
The Pope's Chauffeur

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

(Remember, he's German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
hahhahahahaha!!! I got tears coming down from laughing so hard!!!
If you like cartoons I invite you to check out my page at toonpool. I'm a cartoonist and I publish some of my work on this site. It's a public site and it's entirely free. Here's the URL

This is something that happened to me, a few years back, and it was so silly but it made me laugh and the people I told it to. laughing at some of the things we do is good medicine...I hope it gives you a few chuckles today...

It was a summer day, nice and warm out, I was driving down one of the main streets in this beautiful western town, radio turned on feeling kind of funky and cool. Driving a speed about 30 miles an hour, side by side traffic, and of course I was observing the handsome man in the car beside me, smiling at him as he was smiling at me. Then as we sat at the stop light he started laughing a little as he was looking at me, I just thought what a nice exchange of flirting with this man. mmmm yes.

Well something felt different as I was viewing things outside the colors were brighter, or something,

I looked in my rear view mirror and one of the lenses in my sunglasses was gone...sheesh

Needless to say, no Wonder this guy was grinning from ear to ear...

...Boy did I feel like a nut, but only briefly, then I laughed till I couldn't breathe, and called all my friends to share my feeling cool moment that turned out to be totally sillliness....

Found on another site today

About a year ago I had some solar panels installed in my home.The other day,the company I bought them from called and said the bill had not been paid.I said Helloooo!!! Its been a year! I mean just cause I'm blond dont mean I'm dumb!I told him when that fast talking salesman said they'd pay for themselves in a year,was the ONLY reason I got'em! Well.Its been a year!!!, I said. hellooo???.nothing ...total silence on the other end...(guess he was embarressed,and thought I'd forgotten :))finally I just hung up...guess he'll think twice before messing with me again! cheers:)
The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted...
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???'

God said, 'Ah.........yes, of course!'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!'

'Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' So God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!'


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