Am I A Hopeless Romantic?

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Permalink Reply by Divine Muse on December 5, 2008 at 12:13am

You're a missing a big fact.

The "bad boy" syndrome also plays into it. Depending on where a woman is in her life, she might not "love" him, but more cries and wants him back, because she is afraid after him no one will want her. She isn't at the stage in life to be appreciated and loved by her knight in shining armor.

Because, if a guy really is crude, and the girl still wants him back, that says more about the girl, then the guy.

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Permalink Reply by Lizzers on December 5, 2008 at 1:07am

Meh - I don't buy into this at all.

The original poster already spelled it out "hopeless romantic" - he's already spelled out his belief, and he'll have to change it if he wants a different result.

This whole post is one person's side of the story.. I think the OP needs to stop feeling sorry for himself, and

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Permalink Reply by Katt on December 5, 2008 at 11:50am

Totally agree with Liz he's already made his situation

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Permalink Reply by Divine Muse on December 5, 2008 at 1:57pm

Oh, I agree that him feeling sorry for himself, isn't helping him, but I also believe he's living in a closed world not looking at why some women react the way do they.

Granted, not every woman who cries over an ex is missing a jerk, but there is always that chance too.

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Permalink Reply by Katt on December 5, 2008 at 12:15am

How do you know you've never been cried over?

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Permalink Reply by Katt on December 5, 2008 at 1:13am

I don't think its fair to say these other guys are "not even remotely attractive physically." We all define attractive our own ways and maybe she does find him attractive. OR maybe she does like his personality. How much time did you really spend interacting with him to know what his personality really is? I was extremely painfully shy growing up and I was judged as being a snob most of the time because of it. I hardly could speak to people I didn't know well.

Who knows, maybe he just beat her down and she has no self-respect left.

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Permalink Reply by Divine Muse on December 5, 2008 at 2:00pm

Ha, I should never respond to posts late at night, because you brought up another great point that I failed to address.

I think the idea of "physical attractiveness" is a cultural thing in some respects. I'm hardly making excuses for his thought that all the nice girls go after the uglier guy, leaving him (a handsome man) single and alone. However, a lot of people do fall for the notion that in order to gain love, you have to be amazingly beautiful. I think when people obsess over that fact they miss out on other important things, like personalities! =)

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Permalink Reply by Lizzers on December 5, 2008 at 1:21am

First, when I read your post, I think that you are on the right track. You are acknowledging a lack in your life; however, I don't think that you quite know how to address that lack, or how to release the "how" of the situation.

LOA teaches us that it is okay to have negative feelings, or even jealous feelings, so long as those linger for brief periods of time and we allow them to be emotional guideposts... so if you are seeing someone that you are jealous of (these other guys that are ugly/ no personality, etc) then that is great - it means that you can see the love around you, but you just aren''t tapping into it just yet.

The next step, apparently, is letting go. Stating your intention, your expectation almost, and then releasing it and continuing on to make yourself happy.

Maybe approach this from another way - what can you do in your day to day to be more emotionally available to others? To love is to be loved.. that kind of thing? Or do you want to have the upper hand in a relationship - ie not really giving up that control - because you are afraid of being hurt? This will mean 'flowing downstream' and potentially becoming more vulnerable.

Another good thing to do, instead of the 'why me' question (which is a little needy and whiny? however I'm just as guilty of saying this) ask that someone (a higher power, if you believe in this, or source power.. or what have you) grant you the opportunity to be more vulnerable in day to day situations and to give you more opportunities to see yourself reflected in others. I think that might provide a bit of food for thought as well.

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Permalink Reply by Phil Burgess on December 5, 2008 at 12:19pm

I have just been uploading an article on another site that I feel may be pertinent.

Playing the role on life’s stage

In the current social, political, and environmental climate we are faced with an ever-increasing need to cope with change. The ways in which we react to change have a major effect on our health and well-being. To make or become different is a skill we all need to perfect as we rush through life taking on one role after another.

The psychologist Jacob Moreno http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacob_L._Moreno suggests that man is a role player that every individual is characterised by a certain range of roles which dominate his behaviour, and that every culture is characterised by a certain set of roles which it imposes with varying degrees of success upon its membership. He was the founder of an action based form of human development called Psychodrama.

As we move through the day we replace or exchange each role, the father, the manager, the lover, the mother, the sister, the nurse, the gardener, the repairer, the listener and so forth. As the pace of living has speeded up with faster communications and time saving technology we find there are increasing demands on us to be continually adjusting to the next situation or the next relationship in order to react appropriately.

Moreno’s theory was based on the multi-role personality. In order to maintain mental health he suggests that we have to develop the flexibility to move within a large repertoire of roles. Within each role we are required to have the appropriate actions for the situation at that specific time. Our personalities function at their most effective when they are embracing and integrating their particular selection of roles.

What happens when we act or react from an inappropriate role? Let me give you an example. A man is in his early forties and has been married twice and divorced and is now in a long term relationship, however all is not well. His relationship is not meeting his needs. He often feels lonely and rejected, yet his wife says she loves him. When they try talk about their issues it often makes it worse and they do not appear to be able to communicate. It is as though they are on the same stage, in the same play, but reading different scripts. Does this sound familiar?

It is only when he is faced with losing his third wife to be that he finally sees the light. He has a pattern; he is locked into a particular role that is destroying his relationships with women. When he gets into a close relationship he is triggered into taking his “little boy” role, he is looking for the mother love. Unfortunately there is no way his partners can meet his needs. He is searching for the mother love that he had not experienced as a child. I use the word experienced here as his mother may well have said of course she loved him, but his experience was his reality.

This example demonstrates how when we are in the wrong role i.e. “unloved son” instead of “lover/partner”, the relationships is bound to fail or at the least be dysfunctional.

If we consider a normal day in the life of a woman in her mid forties, with children and a husband, then we can appreciate the vast variety of roles that she may have to take on in order to lead a stress-free life reacting in her relationships in the appropriate manner as each moment demands.

Throughout our lives our status quo is threatened by economic, psychological, and social Influences and in order to act in an appropriate way to these changes we must be able to react from the appropriate role. This requires creativity (i.e. we have to create a new role for ourselves) and spontaneity (acting in the moment)

Moreno believed that every person has the capacity to be creative and spontaneous, the innate skill to act in an appropriate way at any time, creating something new. That we have the ability to create new paradigms, transform old patterns, and modify behaviour.

Working with Psychodrama and action methods we can experience the variety of roles that we may be called upon to play. We can gain insight into the roles that others have to play; we can practice new roles for ourselves, and change old roles that have become inappropriate.

If you are interested in finding out more about psychodrama and action methods or attending a therapeutic retreat check out http://www.casadellanete.com or email me at info@casadellanete.com

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Permalink Reply by Lady on a wheelchair w/ THAT dog on December 5, 2008 at 4:24pm

Hello Mr.Phil,
wish you were closer ....I AM listening and learning. Thank you for your great 'listening talk' it was real eye candy and brain food for me.

Ms

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Permalink Reply by Lollybucks on December 5, 2008 at 12:37pm

Wow Alex,
If I may ask...have you ever thought of what your inner feelings twards relationships might be? Or maybe your foundation thoughts about women. Did you and your mom have a secure loving relationship? Are you basing you past experiences on what you TRULY want to project in your future? These questions are personal and deep but you asked for help and if you dont understand the true core of your patterns then you cant clear the way for forgiveness of them to get what you truly choose to be in your life. Self love is super attractive to all and manifests itself by loving people connecting with you. There is my Dr. Phil moment of the day...lol. Meditate on that sucker...hahaha... keepin it light... Hope it helped. : )

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Permalink Reply by Debbie Greene on December 5, 2008 at 4:39pm

As a follower of Abraham Hicks I would like to give you thier take on your situation:


Q: I'm a little stuck so if you can help me get out of the stuckness that would be great, since I've been working with this material I've been trying to vibrate correctly to bring in "my lover". I've done the processes and visualized and pretended...

Abe: What are you really picky or something?

[Laughter]

Q: Very picky, yeah...wow you're good...yes...

Abe: Well the reason we ask this is because...

When the Universe yields to you the best thing that it can yield to you given your vibration, and then you say, "No Universe, this isn't right." You are defying the thing we just said you have to do. Remember we said, "You have to make peace with where you are." And, we wanted to begin with you because we think that this is the easiest way to hear this, maybe of all of the topics that we could talk about. So did you hear us say, "Make peace with where you are."?

So let's say the Universe has matched you up - not with your "ideal" of the perfect relationship - but with what you are right now - a vibrational match to. Now, isn't that always the way that it is? In other words, what you're offering vibrationally is all you have access to. So if the Universe keeps yielding to you something different than what you want, what does that mean? Does it mean the Universe is making a mistake? No. It means your vibration doesn't match your ideal, and the reason this keeps happening to you is because you keep giving more attention to what you're getting and not enough attention to what you're wanting. Now if you will try what we are going to give you here for, 2 weeks, this problem will be solved, so you're ready for this?

Q: Yeah, bring it on!

Abe: So the Universe yields to you someone that, as you check them out, is not the match to the list that you've made, but within that person - it is our promise to you, because we can feel the clarity of the vibration of you about that subject - you're about 85...86...87% in alignment with your ideal. So what the Universe is yielding to you are potential partners that are about 85 to 87% of what you want. But what's happening to you is, you're focusing upon the 13 to 15% of them that's wrong. And so as you focus upon the part of them that's wrong you hold that part active in your vibration, so the Universe keeps saying to you, "We're giving you ALL that you have access to, not ALL that you're asking for, but ALL that you're letting in right now". And the reason you're not letting more of it in, is because you're doing such a good job of observing what's coming in and not such a good job of remembering what you want to come in.

So all that you would have to do, is begin with the next person that you spend any time with, making a list of their positive aspects, practice it before you see them, practice it while you're seeing them, practice it after you've seen them. Activate within you that 85 to 87% that the Universe got just right, so that you are deactivating the part of it that isn't just right and in doing so you clean up your vibration a little bit. So the next one who comes is that much closer, and the next one who comes is that much closer. And to each of them, you don't leave them wounded as you cast them aside, instead, each of them - because you've done such a wonderful job of activating the very best that you see in them - you leave them in a vibrational place that they're gonna' turn around and be attracted right into an environment or a relationship with somebody else that's right there ready for who they are you see. Now we want to give you one more really important thing about this, we hear, we can feel that you're getting this - this is the next important thing...and we talked about this just a bit, briefly just now.

There is a tendency to feel different about creating the perfect relationship, than you do about creating the perfect 1-week vacation, because creating the perfect 1-week vacation - no matter how you got it - it'll be over in a week. But with relationships you tend to say, "I have to create this perfect relationship and it not only has to match everything that I now want, but since it's one of those "death do us part things"...

[Laughter and pause.]

BIG mistake - then, I've got to figure out from where I am now, with only as much experience as I've lived so far - I've got to figure out everything that I will ever, ever want and everything that I will ever, ever Be forever more. And we say, "Give it up."

We think the perfect marriage vows would go something like,
"I like you pretty good, let's see how it goes."

[Applause]

So take the pressure off yourself by acknowledging that you are an evolving being and of course you want to factor in to your intentions, "I want a partner who's evolving too, and a partner who has the potential, a partner who, at the core is much in vibrational resonance with me, a partner who has discovered the connection with source and all of that, in other words there are all kinds of things you can intend. But please make a decision that you're just going to be flexible and take that pressure off that says, "This has got to be forever more." Just have a relationship 1-week vacation at a time.

[Cheering]

And before you know it, you will have attracted into your experience someone that you'll want to check the box, "I want to stay on board for another week."

[Massive applause and cheering.]

And then you just keep renewing those vows,

"Wanna' go 'round again?"

"Yeah, why not!?"

Q: Which answers the next part of the question which is, Why have I never been able to keep anybody past 3 months?" And it's usually them telling me, "see ya' later", I've attracted in this great person and then...

Abe: But if you were focused upon the great aspects of that person, so that you were activating the best of them, and the best of them was meeting the best of you, they would never want to leave. What makes people want to leave is your wanting to get it so right that you get fixated on the parts that aren't good and then you activate the parts of them that you don't like that they don't like either. And then they find themselves just not feeling good about life when they're with you, not because there is not the potential for it, but because you have highlighted something in them that they thought they'd left behind, or that they want to leave behind you see.

There are no two perfect people who are going to come together and show each other only the perfect things, that doesn't exist anywhere in the Universe. What there exists are multi-faceted beings who have many potential activation points, and the relationship that ensues between them depends upon what each of them decides to be activated. What goes wrong with most relationships is, this one gives that one complete responsibility for what's activated over here...

"You don't bring me flowers anymore, you don't love me the way you used to". And this one, usually, is giving this one complete responsibility for how this one feels. When you decide that you're responsible about how you feel, now, most of that trouble dissolves in the ethers immediately because, now you have control of the way you feel, and when you have control of the way you feel, then you activate the very best in the other.

Now we're going to give you something here that you don't want to hear, but we REALLY want you to hear it anyway...wait, that defies law...

[Laughter]

We're going to give you something that you really want to hear, that you're not ready to hear...wait, that's a waste of time...

[More laughter]

Q: But I can hear it later on the CD...

Abe: Well, we're going to tell you something that we know...

[Large laughter and cheering.]

[Long pause...]

Abe: Oh never mind...

Q: No, give it to me!!!

Abe: There are thousands of potential partners for you who would be equal in the satisfaction value. You're not looking for the one and only. And where the perfect partner lies is in your vibrational range between where you are and where you want to be on the subject, in other words, you've got to create the perfect partner in you and the Universe will match it.

So what we're really saying is,

"Pick somebody, and make peace with it, and line up with it and live happily ever after". And don't look back and second guess it, don't say,

"Well...I've noticed something that I don't like". Instead say,

"I've noticed all these things that I do like, and as I fixate on them the best of me comes out and when the best of me comes out the best of you comes out and when the best of us are here we're having a really good time. And who cares who else could have been in the party, who cares? It's sort of like somebody going to a fabulous restaurant and having a delicious meal and then, wishing they were at some other restaurant having some other delicious meal and we say,

"If you're having a delicious meal what difference does it make how many other delicious meals are there if you are having a delicious meal", you see.

And so, there's something that's sort of stuck in the craw of so many of you that says, "I've got to find the best one and only partner", and we say, "find somebody and make them the best partner by activating the best part of them in you."

Q: Thank You.

Abe: Yes indeed.

Abraham-Hicks




Namaste!

Debbie

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