Hi, I just want you to know that as I am typing I feel okay.
I feel on what abraham would call a high flying disc most of the time. I look for things to appreciate and feel excited about life when I let myself flow. However I suffer from depression attacks periodically and I noticed that today I went through my 4th or 5th this year, and they all begin with triggers. At this point I believe it's something genetic or something I have little control over, it's like they forcefully want to activate every 1-2 months.
The triggers, as I remember the last 4 depression attacks, have been the following:
1. I looked at a compilation of pictures of me someone had uploaded to social media (a sort of goodbye from my previous job) and I felt hideous, horrible, unworthy. That led to a small period of depression. Topic is now irrelevant since I know the power of my focus, and I do not feel that way anymore.
2. I had food poisoning for 3 days, and this natural accident anyone can experience caused me to have hateful thoughts about my body, I wanted to kill myself. This negativity caused my body to start malfunctioning for the next week until I became aware of everything and the pain vanished the next day.
3. One day I noticed I got stressed so easily at everything, like I wasn't ready for challenges or even life. I felt pity for myself, a horrible feeling. It lasted 2 days and I just wanted to leave this life.
4. Yesterday I felt incredibly attacked unfairly, this week I've been working my ass off doing amazing work my superiors recognize at work, but yesterday two of my superiors said certain things that triggered me, and that sent me down a negative spiral. Today I could feel the momentum building up, it was unstoppable from the very morning even though I had meditated and appreciated things, it went to simple negative thoughts to anger in my whole body until I just wanted to stab myself to death, I locked myself in the bathroom stall and cried my eyes out.
I felt a bit better after that but upon arriving home I felt like killing myself again. What made me settle down was remind myself that I always make it out alive and that it's only temporary, AND instead of fighting the feeling I accepted it as mine, and boom, almost instant relief.
See, it always leads to wanting to kill myself, which is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like visiting a specialist will only make me focus on it more and expand it which is something I avoid. I feel kind of angry that these attacks want to manifest in any way they can through any possible "trigger". I don't want it to happen again.
These depressions mess up my positive vibration and that's why I'm stuck in manifesting sameness. It's almost lile every time I'm close to seeing big changes in my life depression kicks in saying no no it's not happening.
Honestly clueless about which excuse depression is going to find next to manifest!!!!!!
I'm guessing it was part of growing up insecure about many things, and I just got to be strong in shedding that old skin without questioning.
I understand how you feel. I struggle with depression too, i have my ups and downs. Certain things that i read trigger it. There is no easy fix. We have to do the best we can.