Hi, I just want you to know that as I am typing I feel okay.
I feel on what abraham would call a high flying disc most of the time. I look for things to appreciate and feel excited about life when I let myself flow. However I suffer from depression attacks periodically and I noticed that today I went through my 4th or 5th this year, and they all begin with triggers. At this point I believe it's something genetic or something I have little control over, it's like they forcefully want to activate every 1-2 months.
The triggers, as I remember the last 4 depression attacks, have been the following:
1. I looked at a compilation of pictures of me someone had uploaded to social media (a sort of goodbye from my previous job) and I felt hideous, horrible, unworthy. That led to a small period of depression. Topic is now irrelevant since I know the power of my focus, and I do not feel that way anymore.
2. I had food poisoning for 3 days, and this natural accident anyone can experience caused me to have hateful thoughts about my body, I wanted to kill myself. This negativity caused my body to start malfunctioning for the next week until I became aware of everything and the pain vanished the next day.
3. One day I noticed I got stressed so easily at everything, like I wasn't ready for challenges or even life. I felt pity for myself, a horrible feeling. It lasted 2 days and I just wanted to leave this life.
4. Yesterday I felt incredibly attacked unfairly, this week I've been working my ass off doing amazing work my superiors recognize at work, but yesterday two of my superiors said certain things that triggered me, and that sent me down a negative spiral. Today I could feel the momentum building up, it was unstoppable from the very morning even though I had meditated and appreciated things, it went to simple negative thoughts to anger in my whole body until I just wanted to stab myself to death, I locked myself in the bathroom stall and cried my eyes out.
I felt a bit better after that but upon arriving home I felt like killing myself again. What made me settle down was remind myself that I always make it out alive and that it's only temporary, AND instead of fighting the feeling I accepted it as mine, and boom, almost instant relief.
See, it always leads to wanting to kill myself, which is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like visiting a specialist will only make me focus on it more and expand it which is something I avoid. I feel kind of angry that these attacks want to manifest in any way they can through any possible "trigger". I don't want it to happen again.
These depressions mess up my positive vibration and that's why I'm stuck in manifesting sameness. It's almost lile every time I'm close to seeing big changes in my life depression kicks in saying no no it's not happening.
Honestly clueless about which excuse depression is going to find next to manifest!!!!!!
I'm guessing it was part of growing up insecure about many things, and I just got to be strong in shedding that old skin without questioning.
I understand how you feel. I struggle with depression too, i have my ups and downs. Certain things that i read trigger it. There is no easy fix. We have to do the best we can.
Hi GeeFyWeefy, okay a few things pop out at me and I want to share with you. Firstly recognise how far you have come already. Great you are feeling okay now, and everyone has ups and downs in life. The LOA isn’t about feeling 100% on top of the world all the time, as that is just very difficult in the world we live in with our modern day stresses and strains and so its unrealistic to think you should be feeling good all the time, plus its just judging yourself and your actions – which isn’t going to help you feel good at all.
Great re triggers too. That is so fantastic that you recognize this and are starting to work out what triggers you, because when you do you can get plans in place to counter act these when they do show up (and they will). However what you are doing is working on a tool kit to use when these do show up and already you are making major changes with the gratitude alone.
Now with food poisoning, please recognize this is something most people would feel exactly the same about. You are not alone in those thoughts at all. In fact in all of your examples, people would probably feel exactly the same way – there is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling at all. So don’t judge yourself harshly for these feelings, just accept them for what they are and know that they will change.
Now also when you felt yesterday, unfairly attacked, look at your thinking here. Two of your supervisors saying something that trigger you is unkind but it doesn’t have to end up spiraling down in negativity all the time. Its about learning which tools to use to snap you out of that downward spiral which may just take time to learn and uncover. However it’s a goal to set yourself because you can and will do it.
Now obviously no one wants you to stab yourself to death – EVER. Cannot stress that strongly enough, however there may be ways you can release the anger in a more healthy way. When I used to get angry, one favourite things to do was to get a pillow and a foam bat and batter the pillow to clear the anger energy and usually it made me feel better. That’s one way that worked for me, but yo may have some other and entirely different way. Some people find it easy to write their feelings out in an angry letter to the person or situation that has angered them (they don’t send the letter but the act of writing their feelings out helps them clear the energy). They then burn the letter (it doesn’t have to be sent, just the act of writing your feelings out can be therapeutic!).
Now depression seems powerful (yep I have been it too) and so I know what you mean when you say you think it messes up your positive vibration. Yes it can have an effect but you aren’t in depression 24/7 – 365 days – you will have moments where you feel positive and grateful and these are far more powerful than any depression or negative emotion and the more you practice feeling and being the positive emotions the more reserve you will build up. It takes time but you can and will do it!