I am looking for some help with a girl I am interested in. I am quite keen to get into a proper relationship with a girl. I am 34 years old and I have been single for over ten years. It is my fault I have been single for this long. Up until the last two years I haven't really felt like being in a relationship. I was liking my own space, time etc.
Now I feel like I am at a stage in my life where I would like to give it a go. I have been on a few dates the last couple of years and I have had a few girls I have liked. I have enjoyed dating them and spending time with them and would like to find someone to go further with and actually get into a relationship with.
I am talking to a girl just now. We have been on one date so far. I like her and would like to see her again. I don't know if I am being paranoid or over analysing the situation because of my "scarcity" but I am getting the vibe now that I am more keen on her than she is of me.
This girl lives two blocks away from me. She is a few years younger than me and we didn't really know each other but for years she has always smiled and waved at me when I was driving past. I noticed on her Instagram that she has recently (Febuary) split from her boyfriend of five years. I started to like some of her pictures and one night out of the blue she sent me a message. We had a bit of small talk. A week later or so I re-initiated message and we spoke again, then a couple of weeks later she messaged me. Obviously I was supremely confident that she was interested in me due to her reaching out first. I asked her out for the upcoming weekend and she accepted no problem.
We went on the date, couple of casual drinks, then I dropped her off home. She told me during date that she has liked me for a while. She said she had a nice night. Next day I messaged her and said I enjoyed it and I would like to do it again. She said that would be nice and I agreed to sort something out.
I arranged a date again the next week and she cancelled due to family fall out. Things seem to have changed a bit now since we went on first date. I seem to be the one always messaging her first, she is taking longer to reply and I kind of get the vibe she is less interested in texting me.
I am trying my hardest to not chase. I do not want to come across as desperate but I would like to see her again. As I said I feel it is me messaging her first every few days. I would love it if she would make an effort to send me a text one day first asking how my day is been so I would know she is still interested.
I am feeling anxious and worried that she has went cool on me. I have been having the typical negative thoughts in my head saying "why has she went cold" "how have I screwed this up, she reached out to you, put herself out there and now she doesn't want to know after one meeting"
I am also thinking constantly about how I can get her to come out again but then I feel silly because I think I am going to come across as needy. I then think I shouldn't message her for a longer period and let her come back to me first but I think maybe that will screw it up as she will think I am not interested by NOT messaging her. I feel like I can't win lol!
Anyway, the question I am really wanting to ask is how can I "let go" of the outcome when I keep having these negative thoughts and attract her messaging me first showing interest when all I can feel is anxiety about her going cold on me?
I have watched videos on relationships about detachment and I understand the theory behind it but I cannot be detached, carefree thinking it will all be ok she will message me in a few days wanting to go out when I have these thoughts in my head about not seeing her again and getting the vibe she is not interested.
Thank you for reading.
First thing you need to understand is that if you continue to let these negative thoughts and emotions control your mind then you will manifest them. That's obviously not what you want so you really need to start shifting your focus (I know it's hard but you can do it. Start by focusing on how EASY it is to control your emotions)
No matter how silly it sounds please start with some self love affirmations. Know you are worthy and deserving of her attention. Remind yourself of that daily. Tell yourself you are calm, you are loved, you are first best and a priority. Once you believe these things about yourself she will have no choice but to believe them also.
Next. You don't have to let go of the end result or the outcome. This is where a lot of us get hung up. How are we supposed to let go of something we want so badly? How do we do our visualization then just let it go? That's the great thing! We don't have to! Both Neville Goddard and Abraham Hicks talk about living in the end result. That means you hold on tight to the belief that you already have what you want. You live as though it is already yours. What you need to let go of is the "How" it will happen.
Let me repeat that: Live in the end, as if you already have what you want. LET GO of any thoughts of HOW IT WILL HAPPEN.
Visualize each night a "goodnight" text coming in from her. Every morning, visualize getting a good morning text from her and her asking how you slept. Feel grateful for those things. It's a mind trick, to ignore your present reality but it works.
As far as you texting her too much and wanting her to text you first... This is just my personal belief here but I think you should send her one last "first" message. Maybe say something along the lines of "you seem to be very busy and distracted at the moment. I'm happy to be here for you if you need someone to talk to. I hope it all blows over soon and smoothly. I look forward to talking to you soon"
With a message like that you're telling her that you respect her life outside of you, you're telling her that you notice her emotions, you're telling her you will be there and you enjoy hearing from her. Those are all things that women love to hear and know. You're also opening the door for her to message you more.
Now you become the "responder" That means you sit back and allow her to message you first. Keep doing the imaginary work and living in the end result but don't keep reaching out to her. Allow the universe to move things around so she can come to you. It will take self control and restraint but you need to let it happen.
At first when she does reach out to you, keep your replies short. Be there for her but don't jump right back into where you are now. Follow her lead. Let her set the tone and pace, at least in the beginning here.
I hope this helps some!
First things first, you sound like you are clear in what you are seeking – which is half the battle won already. Believe it or not most people aren’t as clear as you – and so you are way ahead already. Now secondly, whats in the past is in the past. Don’t judge it or criticise it, as you will give it more power and allow it to shape your future. Whatever reasons you choose not to have a relationship in the past were perfectly valid and probably still are. However you have decided now is the time to change and that’s great. However don’t ignore the value of what you have learned from being single, as it has benefits moreso than we commonly realise and that’s important to consider.
Now great re taking steps and the girl you are talking to now. However this is where our minds often jump in and will criticise and tell us to hurry and worry. You say you are getting the vibe you are more keen on her than she is of you – that’s pretty cool awareness to have. So my suggestions would be to start looking at what exactly it is you like about this girl? Really get specific as to what works for you and also look at what doesn’t. You see what often happens is that we put out an order to the universe for a “partner” and the universe looks at its supplies and goes well we have hundreds of potential partners – which one does this person want. So they send a sample, and try to gauge our feedback. Often times, we focus on the negatives and the universe sees that and thinks “wow, they really like xyz” and so they send more of the partners that have that quality not realising its something we don’t want (but we are focusing on so it thinks we do). So this is why I’m suggesting you get clear on what you do like, so the universe can go okay Alfie likes xyz, lets send him all the people with xyz.
Great re the date next week. However, don’t write off this just yet. You are putting a lot of pressure on her and yourself energetically and it can be like a forcefield that makes people want to run – and they aren’t quite sure why. We’ve all had experiences where someone desired us who weren’t matches in our minds, and you know how you felt when they were around. They could have been the sweetest person ever but for some reason we wanted to run away. It was that vibe we were getting.
Now chasing here, isn’t a good thing and may work against you. Instead, focus on doing something that feels good or is enjoyable or makes you laugh whether its with someone else or just by yourself. You see laughter and joy are like magnets that literally pull things towards us, and often we don’t know why we are drawn to people who are in those states of being. So watch a comedy that makes you laugh, or volunteer and do something that gets you out in the world that makes you feel good. Seriously, we often are so ingrained in our own minds that we forget about the external world, and we need it. Mind will always offer suggestions of problems because that’s its basic job.
How to let go of the outcome – by doing something completely unrelated to her, that gets you out and gives you fun. You see when you are doing fun activities your being laughin, and enjoying life and then it won’t even matter if she contacts you or doesn’t – although its amazing to me that its at these times people often get in contact magically. Then you can see how you feel and whether you want to pursue it. It may be that you work out what you like in this girl, and realise there are things you dislike and so you don’t want to spend further time with her but instead meet new people with more of the qualities that give you joy and you like.
Fall in love with yourself & with your life and you will also find & get what you're looking for.