So, I recently fell into one of the worst depression cycles of my life. I experienced what felt like total and complete absence of God— it was truly hell. I had many panic attacks, feeling like darkness was swallowing me. I felt totally numb and empty. I could NOT feel worse. It just wasn’t possible. The next logical step, was death because there was no way that source energy could continue to dlow through me. I know its not possible to separate from source, but I truly mean it when I saiy that what i experienced, felt close enough. It was indescribable.
Before this had happened— before this depression spell, I was experiencing a lot of anxiety about my future and I felt like I began to doubt God and the law of attraction altogether. Its kind of annoying that in this life experience, you can truly think abd believe whatever you want, so much so that what you think may cause your life experience to end because you’re too far away from source to accomplish what you came here for.
Last night, I wanted to line up with the decision to re-emerge back into non-physical life, since I felt like I couldn’t move from this “separation” i to something better. I had lost interest in life. Things I used to laugh at were no longer funny, whenever I’d try to appreciate something I just couldn’t feel it, things that I’ve wanted sort of just vanished from my awareness and I no longer wanted them— there wasn’t anything I was paying attention to that was keeping me here and interested in life.
I told myself that I honestly don’t want to die, nobody really ever wants to die, they just want to be reunited with their Source. So where I’m at right now, is trying to figure out how to do that. I’ve been trying to move up into angrr, but I just can’t. Life just doesn’t feel like life. I’ve been trying to keep interest, but it’s not working. I’m stuck in this dark place and right now, death feels like the path of least resistance because I feel ao uninterested in life no matter how hard I try to engage and involve myself, but I don’t want it to be that. I try to think better thoughts, I’ve been meditating, I’ve been trying to do whatever I can to feel better, but not much has changed in how I feel.
But it’s not like that. It’s not like I’m judging where I am, or “trying too hard”. If anything, if I did, I’d keep dragging myself to the brink of death being the path of least resistance. I know I can’t keep doing what I’ve been doing, or else death is where I’m headed.
I’ve been taking so many naps, but constantly taking naps doesn’t help me because A) I can’t sleep when I feel this way, and B) I wake up feeling the same way, so.
I've been feeling like dying myself lately. Right now I'm filled with so much fear and anxiety about my life. I'm not working and I need a job, but I can't find a job that I wouldn't hate. And I have really bad social anxiety so that doesn't help. I got a lot of guilt for not working. Also like you I take a nap during the day probably because I hate my life so much.
Although I feel like dying sometimes I know that's not the answer. Because dying doesn't end the separation from God. The dream just continues in a different form and eventually you once again return to a physical body. I've heard that all of the major religions believe in reincarnation including Christianity in the early days before it was removed from the bible. There are lots of people that remember things from past lives, in fact I think I've had past life memories come up in my own dreams where I was other people in other places. But what convinces me the most of reincarnation is the work of Michael Newton and Dolores Cannon who are past life regressionists. If you regress a person to a past life and to their life between lives (what they experience in the spirit world) you might think they're just making up whatever they tell you. But, when you regress thousands of people from all of the world to this life between lives and they all have the same experiences and experience the same places and things, then there has to be something to it. And even though you have left your physical body, you still are not experiencing oneness with God. You still experience separation and you still experience having a body although it's a different body.
The great masters that walked this planet like Jesus and the Buddha taught nondualism - that we are one with God and the belief in separation isn't real. We're just dreaming of separation. When the Buddha said "I am wake" I think he was beginning to experience his oneness with God. Just like when Jesus said "The father and I are one". Then people trying to understand what these masters taught misunderstood them because they believed so much that the world is real. They believed in the separation, so they took the nondualistic teaches of the masters and turned them into dualistic teaches which became Christianity and Buddhism.
So the only way I know of to awaken and return to Oneness with God is by healing the mind of the belief in separation. By practicing was is taught in A Course In Miracles and Ho'oponopono. Unfortunately it takes a long time in the dream to heal or clean the mind and could take more than one lifetime. I think it took the Buddha and Jesus more than one lifetime. But if you want to awaken unfortunately you have to do the work. Dying isn't going to get you there.
Everything that upsets you or steals your peace of mind needs to be healed or cleaned. All of these things have to do with the belief in separation. But the good news is, the more you heal or clean your mind of grievances, the more peace and joy you will have in this dream of separation. You will have less resistance and your needs and desires will more easily show up in your experience and you will be living what A Course In Miracles calls "the happy dream". In Abraham terms, you will be living more often in the vortex, in alignment with Source.
Some suggestions, but these are mostly non-LOA. Get moving! Go out and exercise, run, hike, get your blood moving through your body. Nothing like exertion to clear the cobwebs from your head. If you have access to a gym, go use it. Otherwise, establish some routine that you have to look forward to: every morning I will go hike, run, etc.. for 30mins-1hour. That process of establishing something to look forward to will help reset your thinking.
Another thing - try probiotics. The refrigerated kind are the best and the ones that have more than 12 strains per capsule. Have you been ill lately? Long ago, I discovered that taking probiotics actually lifted my thinking and any depression I was experiencing. The microbes in our gut play a lot into how we think & behave, mostly because of the chemical signals they send out. They send out the wrong ones & our bodies make the wrong interpretation.
I understand that wanting to reconnect with source and finding your purpose. I've been in that state several times. For me, it wasn't depression that got me to thinking that way, but sheer curiosity. Wanting to know what is out there? Where do we come from? What happens after this? I think in my life I've had something of a near-death experience, as I helped a friend who did die to cross over. Can't really explain it all since it was in a dream, but it coincided with the death of my friend. Definitely gave me hope that there is more than the materialistic physical plane.
Meditation as you have been doing is also good to keep doing. People who meditate consistently have been shown to change their brain wave patterns. They tend to be more resilient to stress and can handle more of the curve balls life throws at us.
That being said, if all of this doesn't work and things start to get super dire, please call the suicide hotline. While they won't be versed in LOA, they will be versed in how to get your thinking back and depression lifted.
US National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Canada Suicide Prevention Hotlines- Phone: toll-free 1-833-456-4566
KidsHelpPhone Ages 20 Years and Under in Canada 1-800-668-6868
First Nations and Inuit Hope for Wellness 24/7 Help Line 1-855-242-3310
Canadian Indian Residential Schools Crisis Line 1-866-925-4419
Trans LifeLine – All Ages 1-877-330-6366
Distress Line: 416-408-4357
Survivor Support Program: 416-595-1716
Such a great insight