How concentrate on the good?
I know if the relationship is in trouble you have to only think good and remeber the best times and concentrate on what you appriciate about the other person. Here's the dilema that I've tried to figure out on my own, but don't understand.
The are a ton of qualities I love in my husband but there isn't much good to remember. We haven't been married long and he's not with me at the moment, but will be flying in shortly. I told him I love him a lot but afraid that things are going to be the way they were when we were living together which hasn't been long either and he tells me I've upset him and stabbed him in the back with it. I was hoping for a different reaction of course. Which makes me think that I'll never tell him anything again. Most of the time when I tell him whats bothering me, he tells me I've upset him and a fight usually starts. There have been a lot of tears, broken promises and a lot of fights. I have never fought so much in such a short time with anyone. Now I don't see him and it may be a few more months before he comes. He promises golden mountains, says he loves very much and told me to chose. Believe him and stay or divorse. Of course I don't want divorse but I don't believe him anymore. I already did once. He says remember the good stuff and I know hes right but I can count all the good on my fingers. But I don't want to make a mistake, I already did by marrying too early.
I don't know what to think anymore.
The are a ton of qualities I love in my husband but there isn't much good to remember. We haven't been married long and he's not with me at the moment, but will be flying in shortly. I told him I love him a lot but afraid that things are going to be the way they were when we were living together which hasn't been long either and he tells me I've upset him and stabbed him in the back with it. I was hoping for a different reaction of course. Which makes me think that I'll never tell him anything again. Most of the time when I tell him whats bothering me, he tells me I've upset him and a fight usually starts. There have been a lot of tears, broken promises and a lot of fights. I have never fought so much in such a short time with anyone. Now I don't see him and it may be a few more months before he comes. He promises golden mountains, says he loves very much and told me to chose. Believe him and stay or divorse. Of course I don't want divorse but I don't believe him anymore. I already did once. He says remember the good stuff and I know hes right but I can count all the good on my fingers. But I don't want to make a mistake, I already did by marrying too early.
I don't know what to think anymore.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by TonyToneTone on -
You can see a marriage counselor to help you.
You can also ask yourself where do you want to be in 1, 5, and 10 years from now? Is he in the picture?
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Permalink Reply by Bohemian Flower on -
I understand your feelings! It helps me sometimes if I don't think to myself, "I don't want to make a mistake". I find when I think that way or word it that way, that I become focused on the fear inside me which is a very unhealthy place and focus (for me at least). Instead I remind myself that my "mistakes" are just a part of my path toward what is right for me. If you make a "mistake", then you have gained the valuable opportunity of learning something by experience.
Relationship counseling is also an excellent resource to help with these issues and choices.
Good luck to you!
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Permalink Reply by Eve_Kamenskih on -
You kidding)) There is no way he will go. How can he, he's all powerful and all knowing lol.
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Permalink Reply by Phil Bennett on -
It is obviously hard to know what to do. I have been married twice and have learned a great deal about myself in the process. But, I have no relationship advice to give. My only advice is to stay positive, choose to be happy, smile a lot, laugh a lot in spite of it all...you still want to be happy.
People come, people go...it's no difference with spouses. Sometimes they leave and never come back, but you have to remain happy and keep your mind focused on you being the best you possible. On the other hand, sometimes people came back and change, but you cannot change them. If your happiness level falls off or it takes more effort to remain happy with high vibrations, you might need a change.
Like I said, stay happy, find things to make you laugh and smile. In the interum...you MUST live life.
Peace, love and joy,
Phil
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Permalink Reply by alpaca love on -
Eve,
I am not sure if this is happening but a lot of times in the first few years of marriage we spend a lot of time fighting and it is basically because we are setting boundaries which is because we don't trust one another and so afraid of being hurt. We let fear interfere with happiness. Seriously look at why you find him attractive and concentrate on that. For some reason he made you happy or you would not have married him. Trust in both of yourselves and I hate to tell you this but most of the times in marriage we make big deals out of things and forget why we married in the first place. Seriously life is not all that serious as we make it out to be. Follow your heart and age really does not determine happiness. Many old people can make mistakes as well as young people when it comes to marriage. Only your heart know for sure what is right for you. Wishing you happiness in what ever you do.
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Permalink Reply by Eve_Kamenskih on
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No, I'm not forgetting the reason why I married him, but turns out he's not what I thought he is. Its like two different people now.
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Permalink Reply by Clarice on -
Get clear on what it is you want exactly. What can you no longer stand and what do you really want?
Start taking action. Start doing things you dont' want or aren't comfortable with. This will create momentum.
See what works and what doesn't. Insanity is doing same thing over and over and expecting a differnet result. Keep creating and recreating until you get it right.
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Permalink Reply by Nancy Adler on -
I can understand what you are going through. I was there five years ago. I was married for 16 years to my high school sweet heart. It was one of the most difficult decisions I made at the time, to call it quits. I asked myself if I had done my best. And made a decision that was best for me. I took the time to grieve the loss of the relationship; or my dream of a relationship. And when I came out the other side I discovered it was an enormous gift to my growth.
Am not a relationship expert. Will just say that wanting to do the right thing for yourself is important. Listen to your heart, be good to yourself and you will know when you know.
Blessings,
~ Coach Nancy
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Permalink Reply by Awesome on -
You have received very loving replies and all of us WANT you to have the very best loving experience!
The quickest way I know to aid the healing of a distancing relationship is to APPRECIATE everything you can about your partner, because by the POWER that is the UNIVERSE, it must bring to you, more and more to appreciate about him.....I know you said you can count all the good times with your fingers so I think this is the perfect time to ADD! I don't believe in throwing in the towel that easily, I think if you've spent this much time growing apart, you can spend as much time growing back together and give the LOVE that did exist the chance to redeem itself.....
Even if you eventually choose different paths, and that is the worse case scenario, at least salvage the love!
Namaste,
Awesome
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Permalink Reply by Nancy Adler on
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Yes, I agree. Being grateful for what we do have and the wonderful things we see in others ATTRACTS more of the same.
I do not throw in the towel easily. I do the best I know how and allow others the same opportunity. Makes for richly rewarding relationships.
All the Best,
~ Nancy Adler, Coach
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Permalink Reply by Eve_Kamenskih on
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Honestly, hate to admit it even to myself, but he's not. Or even if he's there, I don't like the way its looking because from what I've seen during the time we lived together.
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Permalink Reply by Silver Girl on -
I wouldn't even go about thinking about 5 or 10 years ahead. Things can change in the meantime and it's not a big deal if your desires change along the way. It's all part of your expansion.
: i
I would however, focus upon the good stuff. That doesn't mean that you should just feel glorious all the time, because i don't believe you are in that place right now. Start off at a point where you are now, for instant 'fearful, depressed', and then work from there: decide that you want to feel better, and if the next thought that comes up is an angry thought, that just means that you're moving up the ladder. So practice that thought, and when you are truly in the angry-phase, say to yourself: I want to feel better. And then the thought that comes up might be irritating, but that means that you are moving up the ladder again. You can move all the way up to joy and passion, and when you are there, only good things can come to you! So that would mean that either your husband would be back with you and you and him will have a wonderful relationship together, or he will clatter out of your experience, but in an harmonious way (He will meet someone else, and so will you for instance)..Either way, you will have a good life!
The Emotional Guidance Scale by Abraham-Hicks:
1.
Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation
2.
Passion
3.
Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4.
Positive Expectation/Belief
5.
Optimism
6.
Hopelessness
7.
Contentment
8.
Boredom
9.
Pessimism
10.
Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11.
"Overwhelment"
12.
Disappointment
13.
Doubt
14.
Worry
15.
Blame
16.
Discouragement
17.
Anger
18.
Revenge
19.
Hatred/Rage
20.
Jealousy
21.
Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22.
Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness
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