People typically look at a relationship, look at another person, to complete them. To fill the lack of the fulfilling, connected relationship they have with themselves. They believe that in order to feel complete, the necessary and/or path of least resistance component is another person.
When people feel unworthy and unloved, they think the reason they feel that way is because they don't have love in their life. And in a sense, that is true. But, it's not that they don't have love from someone else (Source and your Inner Being are loving you all the time), it's that they don't have love from themselves. And, for whatever reason, when someone does not allow themselves to love themselves, they naturally seek that love from someone else.
People are going to get love. And, you can either seek love from the inside, or seek love from the outside—but you will seek love. And, since most people do not seek to love themselves, because they were raised to seek approval and love from others or they do not know how to fill their own love hole (pause?), then the only other logical option is simply to have someone else love you.
Since you seek love from someone else you cannot control, then you cannot figure out how to get your love needs met, other than arguing, getting upset with them to get them to do what you want or compromising. And it very quickly becomes a need. "I need them to love me! . . . Because I refuse to love myself." And you need to feel loved, more than anything else.
Living without love (or rather, living like you feel you are without love) is essentially the equivalent of living without air. It hurts. A lot.
You can go without the dream job, or house, or car, but you cannot go without love. And, people who do not love themselves feel the only way to receive that love is by getting someone else to give it to them.
The problem is, even if they do attract a relationship, it will not be a very happy or fulfilling one for very long (i.e. commonly known as the honeymoon phase), because Law of Attraction brought you this other person on the basis that you were focused on the lack of love, and not loving yourself. So, eventually, the other person will begin to reflect to you how you feel about yourself.
They will be uncooperative, they will argue with you, they will judge you, they will compare you to others, they will say, “You’re just like your mother/father/sister/brother/my ex” as a means to piss you off and they will question how they feel about you. They will behave in ways you don't want them to. Which is true in any relationship, but especially when you need to control them to behave only in ways you want them to so that you can feel good, i.e. conditional.
Unwanted behavior in an in alignment relationship is amped up to over 9,000!!! in a relationship where you are not in alignment.
Eventually the relationship comes to a breaking point, or, breakup point, where either the other person feels controlled and wants their freedom and/or you still don't feel loved, or don't feel loved anymore because of all the arguing and they don't behave like they used to at the beginning of the relationship. So, they break up wanting freedom and thinking things should be easier, or you break up for similar reasons and/or because you want to feel loved and feel you deserve better.
But then, after awhile, after some distance, after no longer being face-to-face with specific unwanted conditions and negative aspects of the other person, combined with your lonely, not having someone to talk to/cuddle with/Netflix and chill nights, you go back . . . you go back to focusing on their positive aspects (primarily at the core being that they gave you the love, even if only sometimes, that you do not give yourself), and now you miss them. And you want them back.
So lets say you get back together with them, with no real change within yourself, or more importantly, in your vibration, and so you initially love each other again and then you, once again, begin to focus more and more on the unwanted aspects of them and the relationship, and then you want to control them, they want their freedom so they try to control you, then you want your freedom, and then there is arguing, you’re reminded why you broke up in the first place and then finally, breaking up. And the cycle continues.
Now, the cycle may not continue with the same person. You may go from person to person, relationship to relationship. Different faces, different places, but it's still the same vibrational essence; it's still the same unwanted relationship cycle.
TL;DR: Here’s the cycle that creates unwanted relationships:
Not loving self, so wanting love from someone else. They love you for a time, then the love fades (due to both parties giving more of their attention to what they don’t want). You're upset, you argue a lot, the two of you break up. You continue not loving yourself, then you miss being someone else's object of positive attention and affection, so you want love from someone else . . . and so on.
"Well Brian, yes, I have experienced that, and I don’t like it. I want to stop the cycle. So, how do you stop the cycle and just attract true love and a lasting relationship?"
The key component, the driving engine of that unwanted cycle, is you refusing to love yourself.
So, all that is required to stop the unwanted cycle, and create the relationship you want, is to begin focusing on and allowing yourself to love yourself.
When you focus on the relationship with you, and loving yourself, soothing yourself, being nicer with yourself, being easier with yourself, being gentler with yourself, giving yourself the benefit of the doubt when you make a mistake, focusing on your positive aspects and appreciating yourself more and more everyday, then you will begin to see, and more importantly feel, the love in the relationship you have with yourself.
And when you tend to, and grow, and give and receive the love in the relationship you have with you, you have with your Inner Being, you have with Source, then all other relationships will begin to naturally reflect the love you have with yourself. Which makes your relationships much easier, more loving and more enjoyable than ever before.
And all it took for someone else to love you the way you wanted, was for you to love you the way you wanted. And they just mirrored your self-love.
Then you will get into a relationship looking for someone to love, not looking for someone to love you. Because, you’ve already got that covered. You look for a beautiful co-creative partner to flow your magnificent, brilliant love to, and you flow love, without needing to receive it from another, because you receive it from yourself and from Source. And as you begin to do that, you will now be living in a new era of unconditional love in your relationships with the people in your life. And that, is when life and love really starts getting good =).
1) Letting Go Does Not Mean Letting Go of Your Desire
This thread needs to be rebumped, as it is so good with what Brian has said, I had to re read it :D
Close to nearly every article I have read regarding relationships, every advice I have received on PI has mentioned about Self Love. That's the answer and its true. Blessings
I go to the gym, but I feel weak now. Next week I´m going to take Salsa lessons :D
And I rescue dogs... Right now I´m looking for a forever home for one dog I rescued a few weeks ago (with my boyfriend). I don´t help people, but I help animals...
Are you trying to manifest your love back?
Thank you Brian for this :) :)
"..I find when I do things like go to the gym with friends..."
Where do you start when you're single and looking AND you don't have friends either?
I don't have galpals texting me and asking to do stuff & I've been trying to make friends like this but so far to no avail. And guys just want sex?
i want a boyfriend AND I want a BFF. SO much. I have acquaintances when I go to meetup groups I'll find people to talk to but if they want to go out straight away after I'm too tired but people don't give me their number & when I went to a friends-making event, I got 14 people's numbers or emails & despite me contacting them all NOBODY wants to hang out with me even as a friend!
my life IS pretty crap. Career I don't want. Lonely, broke. But all the same, I DO have a lot of great qualities. I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm kind and I'm friendly. I try to be postive with people. So why don't they want to get close to me, unless it's a guy hoping to get close to me between the sheets. I do have trouble loving myself, I admit. Especially when my life isn't great. But I am trying and I DON'T think I'm such a loser that I don't deserve friends who want to hang out with me (I did used to have them then my job got SO busy and so did theirs that we no longer had time for each other now I've lost my friends) and that I don't deserve a proper boyfriend.
I'm SURE people who are less kind, less witty, less smart, less interesting and less friendly and cheerful have these things, I should too.
How do I love me more. And how do I show THEM that I AM loveable?
Cos I feel like people are not seeing that.