First of all, I'd like to start off with saying how much I love this community and everything I learn here every day.
But there is one person in my life, who keeps sabotaging and undoing everything I try to do - my mother. It's not that she doesn't believe in this stuff - she does - but apparently she's missed quite a few critical lessons on positive thinking and in general being a decent human being. Everyone thinks she's a good person because she knows how to present herself in public, but at home, watch out! She's a total bipolar monster, not officially diagnosed - she revels in sadism (or appears to), I have no privacy around her, she makes my life total misery and hell, and just being around her makes me feel sick, depressed, and suicidal. Even now I feel my thoughts becoming a dark jumbled mass of negativity as I try to type about her, they are hardly coherent. All the verbal and emotional abusive energy that comes from her is enough to power NYC for a week (or drain its power for a week, idk.)
I hardly ever go out, and school isn't tons better, so I'm pretty much stuck in this situation. Moving out isn't really an option at this point even though I've already made plans with my friends to become roommates for the future. Every time I try to think more positive thoughts, she brings me down to the base level and I feel like the lowest scum that's ever lived. All this because I don't have good grades (and why is that??? because my mind is so screwed up and I keep feeling that she is the source!!! I always study better around my friends and they feel the same way, as their mothers are somewhat similar.) I don't know how to explain this well - but it feels like the stabbing pains in my chest (source being the heart chakra, emotional/love center, someone else told me that) that originate from her whenever she is saying yet another lovely thing to me are the reason I have to go to cardiologists now for arrhythmias and palpitations (they initially wrote these off as panic attacks but cardio confirmed not anymore because it's 24/7 and I do NOT panic when it happens). I think she is the cause of it, or at least a large contributor. I have not been disgnosed with an eating disorder yet, but I think I do have a lot of these traits because she always called me fat (I have a normal BMI and I was a decent size 8-9 in junior high but now I've ballooned to like 12 at 5'6, but I was always "fat" to her despite all my friends and family who protest otherwise) and I've recently taken on some pretty destructive behaviors. I can't help it. She makes me want to destroy myself, cut off all connections with everything, abandon everything that gives me joy in life, and just... sabotage myself.
Help. I don't want to cause physical harm to her (or at least I keep telling myself.), but I want her out of my way and at least 2/3s out of my life. She is an absolute threat to my mental health and it manifests itself physically. I can feel the EFT and LoA working within me, and all the other things I've tried, but until this monster is out of the way ...
(I'm 17 years old btw)
Also, if someone here is adept, perhaps someone can try to like scan or read my energy and tell me if she is the source of my problems, or I am the source, or is something else the issue here? Something I didn't address in my post?