I haven't been here for quite a while, but I have a question today that plagues me. I had a lot of anxiety in my life, panic attacks, it was not very nice. That is over since long now but I still have a lot of nervousness and urge to controll things. Whenever I have fear that sth bad will happen (and yes, I often have this fear, even though I know it makes no sense living in the future) - and this fear always concerns my kids in a way, that they might become ill, that I might not be able being there for them because sth bad might happen so me etc. - I don't react with more fear or even panic, I just acknowledge it is there and try not to judge (well, it is getting on my nerves, tbh), but I cannot seem to get rid of it for a long time, or it never stops at all deep down there. I have come to the conclusion that I simply lack basic trust. I never, ever have the feeling sth could end up positively, in a good way, I only see the worst outcome.
And things keep showing up, problems keep showing up....I don't have the feeling I ever get a day or two where I can relax because some sword of Damocles is always hanging above me. Meanwhile I have given up all wishes, hopes and expectations for a better future (don't get me wrong, my life has become better in many way, especially financially, but there are other areas that have gotten worse, like my health, or being without any love in my life - romantical love - since 9 years now, so I often wonder what the point is.), at least for myself. I still hope my kids will have a healthy, great and happy life, but for myself I have pretty much come to terms that this is it and my only hope is that things won't go down the drain completely for me. I wish I had more trust, but I can't think of a way to change that.
You aren't the only one who is inpatient and absolutely you have learned a lot in the last decade (but notice your thoughts "obviously not enough" - says who? that kind of thought isn't going to help you feel good). You learned and have done all you can with the knowledge you had - and that was the best for you at that moment in time, and it produced results. Now you are after different results and they will come but you need new skills or habits and you are learning those.
Re sex with your husband, it isn't actually anything like having sex with your brother. You had to have done it a few times to have kids, but you have already shut that choice and option down for yourself with that statement rather than explore how that could work for you. So I guess it means you cannot have sex now. You aren't willing to do anything to create that within your life so its a valid choice you are making. No shame or judgment in that, it just is what it is.
Relationships can and do change, and this one could change again but you have already shut that down with your words, thoughts and energy. It can change again when you are ready.
thank you, lots to think about. and you are right, that thing with my husband is definitely done, I don't want it anymore, period :).
thank you, I guess you are right :)