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So long story short. The city we live in is too expensive to buy a house. We agreed to move somewhere more affordable so we could put a roof over our heads instead of paying insane rents but my hubby has been constantly agreeing to a move then as soon as we start to make it happen he backs off. It's been 2yrs of this. He's finally admitted that he doesn't want to move from his mum...
I tolerate my MIL up to a point, we do Christmas together, regular catch ups etc. But he would rather she was living in our ear. He definitely needs some kind of validation or acceptance from her cos he used to be a little sh1t.....but he's using our kids to apease her, usually without asking me first.
I dont know what upsets me more...Telling me we would move when he had absolutely no intention of ever doing so. He broke my heart this wkend talking about moving back to my home country, looking at farms we could afford. He even applied for a bloody job. Then as soon as i applied for a job too he totally back pedaled and said he could never leave his mum.
I've told him how much this upsets me...but he just keeps banging on about his mum....not our future...
I'm seriously considering divorce. I'm over being lied to. Last wkend was the last straw. I thought I could move back and see more of my own mum before she passes. She's much older than his and can't even travel to be with me for the birth of our 2nd child.
Any advice? How can i compromise?

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How can YOU compromise? You've already been doing that, he's the one that isn't compromising, and instead is leading you on endlessly.

Let him know where you're at in the relationship at this point, what you need/require, and put a date on it so there isn't room to be lied to for another 2 years as a stall tactic. He is a grown man (I assume?) so he needs to get off of his mother's nipple and be the man of his family. If he is unable to properly attend to his family and wants to be with his mother, then maybe it's time to move on and let him just be with his mother. Obviously it's much easier said than done, but just like it's important to know when to get married, it's also important to know when you should get a divorce.

With that being said, have a sit down with him and explain things clearly and fully to him. Don't yell, don't blame, don't bring up the past, etc... - we both know that's not productive, even though it's something easy to do when in a relationship with someone. Don't beat around the bush with how you feel or what you're wanting from your husband, from the man of the house. If you mislead or think that he should "just know what you mean," then you'll be disappointed - trust me, often we don't always take hints or magically know what our wife is thinking if she isn't direct and simple about it. If you properly discuss this, create a plan, and follow through with it, then it'll go one of two ways and you'll know what you need to do. Either it'll work out, he'll get the point, and then you can proceed further as a family that's trying to grow & progress; that's best case scenario. Or it won't work out and he'll refuse to be a grown man that wishes to progress/grow his family in a proper way. 

He has to realize, just as you do, that you've got your own family now and that takes highest priority. Does it mean you don't love the family you grew up with? No. Does that mean you can't see them again? No. It just means you recognize that you now have a family that you've created, and that's your life now. You both have to compromise on being able to see the family you grew up with; you can visit them, have them come visit, etc... As they say, you can have your cake and eat it too.

The compromise is moving, buying your house, and living your life; while also creating a platform so that you can visit each others families sometime during the year so that you still get to see each other in some fashion. In between that time, call each other, email, Skype on the computer/phone, etc.. etc.. etc.. etc... etc... 

Hope this helps! Communication and patience is key. If he is unable or unwilling to do what he needs to for this relationship, and it's something that you require, then you know what you need to do. If you end up divorcing, you at least know that you tried to do everything you could before making such a decision. 

Hi, thank you so much for that. Its been such a weird one cos in every other walk of life I literally just have to think of something and it happens. My mates think I have some wiccan power but its just LOA and believing in something. I feel like I've wasted so much energy (least it was positive energy and made me feel good) visualizing, researching all possible positive outcomes in a few different cities where we could afford to move. Actually, afford to thrive...all of us.  I was constantly trying to create for the highest good of all.....ye... I had some motivations to get some space and independence from my MIL but funnily enough, during this time she bought a place miles and miles away to retire to. Cos that's what she wants. I've tried visualizing my hubby being happy away from his mum...but got nowhere.

But ye, I'm planning on sitting him down and writing a list of all the places we've talked about moving to. Looking at timelines and actually coming up with a genuine plan we're both happy with. And ye I'll have to pose the question 'are you ever actually going to move away?'....otherwise its folly and I'm not leaving any vacuum in my life for a home/financial security etc if I stay with him. 

I feel like if I stepped away from him right now a million fantastic opportunities would just pile up in front of me. It's like I can feel them....right there. I miss my freedom to make awesomeness happen...which sounds like a block I've created myself. But it comes down to not being able to create in another persons reality.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I think I'll just go back to visualizing my life with the kids, in our own home.

See what the universe throws my way.


You're welcome. :) 

Don't forget, be completely honest about how you FEEL about all of it, and what you actually think. Don't dance around it or try to save someone's feelings by suppressing your own. Do you get what I'm saying? Let him know exactly what is at stake and what you're willing to do if he is unable to be the husband he needs to be in this relationship. If you play down how you feel, why shouldn't he also play down how you feel? We teach people how to treat us.

I agree that it should be a plan that you're both happy with, which is why it's even better to communicate what you both need to each other. Just because we love each other doesn't mean that things will always work out, and it doesn't mean we aren't moving in different directions; does that make sense? If you recognize that the directions that you both want in life are in opposite directions from one another, a decision has to be made. Do you sacrifice your direction to walk in theirs? Does he sacrifice his direction to walk in yours? Or are your paths parallel and one that can be traveled together? Trust me, it's one of the hardest things to realize, and even harder to deal with if you realize it's opposite directions. Also trust me, decades can pass really quickly and the last thing you want is to be at the end of this life regretting the life you've lived. 

Actually that really hit home...don't down play my feelings cos that ALLOWS him to downplay them too.

Thanks again. Really appreciate you sitting down and helping me out!! :)

Update....about six months after this post we moved. It came completely out of the blue. Hubby just applied for a job in our dream city. Wasn't the best job for him but he was suddenly committed. I got the first job Icould and in a month we'd both resigned and had booked movers. This was HIS initiative. I just went with it. We got the perfect rental. Everything I'd been imagining for both if us happened. I'd been visioning the perfect job for him and 2wks before we moved.... he got offered it!!


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