Need Some Advice. What Am I Doing WRONG!?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by steve soucy on February 15, 2012 at 1:27pm

When kids show responsible reactions, parents back down from hard line oppositions pretty quickly.  If this has been an ongoing problem between a parent and kid, then backing down is still not a good solution. 

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The solution is to do more, different productive things with their time... and especially to do more things together. 

Permalink Reply by Kahu on February 15, 2012 at 3:47pm

If kids start showing their parents they can be trusted with more responsibility they tend to be given more flexibility and freedom Byamba.  My own son has an issue with being reminded to do his chores but if I don't remind him they don't get done, he forgets. I have physical injuries and can't do them myself but need them done so I have to remind him.  IS he showing me he can be responsible with greater freedoms?

There are exceptions, some parents have power and control issues, they fear for their childrens wellbing rather than teaching kids how to be self reliant.

Either way parents are doing the best they can with what the learned as they were growing up so give them credit for being there.

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Permalink Reply by Kahu on February 15, 2012 at 3:32pm

Quote

when we make ourselves 100% responsible for how we feel in ANY situation.... life gets better immediately.

It would be nice if this were automatic everytime Secret Sauce but it's not. If your thinking is positive and your behaviour is psoitive yes life gets better when we do this but if our tendancy is to be negative then we tend to just become more self critical and blame ourselves 1000% for everything thyat is wrong.

Either way it does open the door for incredibly good things to come to use if we can shift our thinking and focus onto what we want.

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Permalink Reply by Kahu on February 15, 2012 at 3:38pm

When you're a bit older and look back Byamba you will realise just how much parents do know and how little teenagers know when they believe they know everything.

It's true your parents grew up in a different world from the one you are but there are some core values and principles that don't change.

It might be hard but always look for the good points in your parents and if you can't find them assume they are there anyway.  There are some really bad parents at the bottom end of the spectrum but a bit of b****ing (translation: encourgaing) isn't so bad.

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Permalink Reply by maggielk on February 15, 2012 at 8:24pm

Hey Byamba,
i was your age not soo long ago for me anyhows:D:D
i still give my mother a lot of blame of my life. I do talk to her but she does not listen. this is a feeling all children esp. teens get. i have learned that the best way to improve a realtionship is to just talk about whatever subject and if the parent does not want to talk back it is because they don't know how to give position as a parent. being a parent is very very scary. i am a mother also:D
I know how it feels and my son who is 7 is blaming me and get pissed off at me when i stop him from doing things he wants to do. BUT as a child you must know that rules are rules and must obey the rules . if you don't like it then just move out. you are 16 and you think that you know alot already, but guess what, you don't. the world is shitty and many many shitty things will comes your way, and when you are all down and it all seems to lost, the only ones who come and picks you up are your parents. when you get older you will understand. LOA has a lot to do with LOA. but it is a parent disiscion how they want to raise their children.

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Permalink Reply by Zewin on February 15, 2012 at 2:38pm

Im not blaming my parents for my lack of friends, I don't blame them or anyone else for anything anymore since learning this stuff. I'm. Just saying that its hard to stay happy and manifest friends when they're surrounding me with negative energy.

I think the reasone why I've never had any friends is because I'm very shy (just recently started coming out of my shell). I was also born with autism which made it hard to make friends because I was socially awkard and lacked social skills. Even when people expressed interest in me I think I scared them away because I was very closed minded and strong opinionated so when people were different from me I would almost cut them down. I didn't do it intentionally to be rude, I just didn't know.

I've made some major changes to myself since, I'm very open minded, I still have strong opinions but I don't judge people who don't think or behave the same way I do. And now, I speak to more people than I ever have before and they seem to like my company, but I havent met anybody who I "click" with...yet.

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Permalink Reply by steve soucy on February 15, 2012 at 3:38pm

there are dozens of people here who are willing to click with you.  

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as you become more open to new friends, you'll notice the people who can become friends from your neighbourhood too. 

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But I can't stress enough that you have to BE and ACT like a good friend BEFORE you even attract them.  Don't measure whether people are good enough for you, be the best you can first.  

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Permalink Reply by Zewin on February 15, 2012 at 3:56pm

Thank you. This makes total sense because you get back whatever you put out, so if I am a good friend, I will attract good friends :). The hardest part of this whole process is patience, and I don't have much of it lol. I'm working on it though. I know good things come to those who wait and everything I want will come in due time.

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Permalink Reply by maggielk on February 15, 2012 at 8:27pm

Zewin,
You must start being your own FRIEND first!! that what i told you is a way of becoming your own friend. You must love it to be alone so you can do your silly things. and when you have it all down, many many people will come your way:D:D:D
maggie.

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Permalink Reply by Kahu on February 15, 2012 at 3:53pm

Zewin perhaps work on your self esteme and confidence a bit. When we are low in self esteme it's harder to accept differences in other people. We need them to be like us for security and tend to push people away as you describe.  When we trust ourselves we can allow people to be who they are and do what they do without it threatening our security, our self acceptance.

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Permalink Reply by Kahu on February 15, 2012 at 4:21pm

The more you build self esteme and begin to trust yourself more you will find the stutter disappearing and even the sweaty palms will resolve themselves in time.  If you can understand that your parents want the best for you and think what they are telling you is the best for you (out of love) you will relax a bit more around them.

Perhaps you can discuss this a bit with your mother now she has accepted you're growing up and she should treat you as a grown-up (may take some time to change the habits so be patient :) ) you have an opening to explain how you want to be and get her on board supporting you with that?

You can use your imagination to rehearse being how you want to be with people. Just like a high diver rehearses their dive in their imagination first we can use the same process to encourgae desired behaviour.  Even replay memories of a situation that you would rather have worked out better and change it so you behaved the way you would have preferred so your subconscious has a better model to work with when you are in a similar situation next time - even down to clear speach and dry palms.

Aloha

Kahu

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