I know that you cannot control other peoples actions due to free will. I have been trying to visualise and feel differently about this situation but I am so sad to watch my little brother go through such pain and suffering.
He is in a relationship with a very toxic girl, he is only 19 and she is 17. At first she was fine, but then as time went by she started to show herself as very manipulative, lying to everyone about everything, shouting and screaming abuse at my younger brother, making him stay out all hours of the night and sleeping all day, refusing to get a job and expecting my younger brother to pay for everything for her.
My mum let her move in because she claimed she was being abused at home and that her mum kicked her out (turns out this was a lie, her mum told my mum that she was kicking off and staying out late too much, abusing her younger sister and stealing, so her mum gave her a time to be in every night and she kept disobeying her so she lied to my mum so she could move in) they have only been together 8 months, and argue every other day, the arguments get so bad it sends my brother into a spiral of despair and he decides to cut himself or go off somewhere and take loads of pills (so he says) either way it is a cry for help..he claims he cant be without her and that they have been together 8 months and can't not live with each other which is ridiculous, he is so scared of losing her he puts up with anything.
In the end my mum told her to go back home, it was too much for everyone in the house hold, his girlfriend lied and said her mum wont let her go home but when my mum spoke to her mum, it was all a lie and her mum had been offering her to come home for a few weeks. This then made my mum tell her to leave, it kicked off a massive argument and ended up little brother moving into his girlfriends dads place, her dad is a drug addict that doesn't look after them at all. They are still arguing, everything got out of control, my brother even got arrested and this is the lowest he has ever been, he has called me a few times saying he is going to commit suicide and cant live without his girlfriend, but she treats him so badly, she had even said that if he goes home then she will commit suicide or break up with him, which is not fair. They have turned into this disaster of what they call a relationship and my little brother is getting very ill with it all, not washing, not going to work, he has even come home and stolen of my older brother at some points, he keeps making this situation worse for himself but wont make a change. And as soon as his girlfriend says she loves him and will do anything for him, it makes him think they are okay, and then they argue again, its a vicious cycle that doesn't seem to stop. He keeps bringing my mum into it and she is so stressed out she had developed this rash all over her hands and feet where she is becoming ill with stress. They both keep calling her every time they argue, my brother threatening suicide and the girlfriend lying about the argument blaming my brother when really she has caused it ( we find out from her mum as we keep in contact due to the amount of lies this girlfriend tells)
My question, how can I use the LOA to make this better? I have even said to the universe for the sake of my younger brother that if they are meant to be together then help them both heal, but I honestly think she is bad for him, he was fine before this and as they were together longer he went downhill and ruined his life! I am trying to believe that everything will be okay in the end, but I am scared he is going to do something stupid.. :(
Thank you, where is that group?? x
Codependent Anonymous are all over the world, but if you look at their website: http://coda.org/ you can find any local groups in your area/country.
I know this is your brother and you love him, but sometimes our perceptions of what is going on with others isn’t always that accurate all the time, and can be at times a rather harsh judgment. Trying to visualise and feel different about a situation that you dislike is like trying to eat a meal you dislike, in that the energy and focus of what you dislike is still there and so you end up getting more of it.
So it can be helpful instead of looking at his pain and suffering to look at what are his payoffs for that relationship – as a point of distraction. It is working for him on some level – otherwise he would have ended it. So recognising that, it can be helpful to look and see what the gifts of that relationship are (even though you dislike his partner – there are some there for sure). .
Now his feelings are just that – his. He may truly believe he can’t be without her, and its not your job to judge him for that choice, or to convince him otherwise. You can be a great source of support for helping him to create changes but you need to work with him rather than against him and his choices – which I know is tough. However it can be done.
Now how can you support your brother, by listening and asking him questions. Believe it or not asking questions is so powerful. So asking things like what he enjoys about that relationship or his day, are going to start helping him to open up and focus on positives. Of course he needs to also be in a position to ask for help too – and it may be worthwhile suggesting to him to get some external help in some shape or form too. Please though, don’t be so hard on yourself during this time and recognise that he is his own mind and thinker and that you are not to blame for his actions or reactions.
Thank you, I really am trying to be as supportive as I can and be there for him whenever he needs me, but its just this cycle that keeps happening and I feel like I am bringing it into my life. This happened with my old brother as well and now my younger brother. I feel like I have had so much trauma in my family that I subconsciously just bring it to my life now, I have tried and still trying to change my pattern of thoughts to be more positive. I feel like every time me or my mum give her a chance and try to help them sort out the arguments, she lies about something else, so its hard to keep giving them and their relationship a chance and her a chance when she keeps lying to us, we now cannot trust what she says is even true or meaningful. I keep trying to talk to him, he tells me he doesn't want to be with her anymore, and that he knows she has ruined his life, these words came from him, but then he goes running back because he doesn't want to be lonely. I wish I could get inside his head and build his self esteem and confidence so he realises that he is worthy of a healthy relationship and a good life, but self love like that has to come from himself, I can't give that to him or tell him, as I learned the hard way myself, it has to come from him, but I am scared he is too far gone for it to come from himself. I always tell him I love him and will be there for him but he just doesn't listen and thinks we all hate him. We are always reassuring him and telling him we love and support him, but he will not do a thing without his girlfriend by his side. I am worried he will never find the strength to try and make his relationship healthy or leave it. Its destroying him and its very hard to watch someone do that to another person:( x
You definitely are supporting him, so don’t doubt that, but as you say, you have to work out whether you wish to be part of this cycle. Also you say you feel like you are bringing this into your life? How so?
Is it worthwhile speaking with her in a calm fashion and mentioning the distrust you have and the reasons why? You can do it in a non aggressive way and that may be the thing that changes all of this.
Now if he is saying he doesn’t want to be with her anymore, have you asked him questions around that? Why is he then? What needs to change for him to leave? These kind of questions will help him to start shifting and get him thinking about it. Now the words “she has ruined his life” is somewhat disempowering and you may want to point out to him that his life isn’t over yet, but that change is always possible.
Also like I said previously, maybe its worth suggesting he gets some sort of external help or counselling support from someone else. Sometimes a third party who provides an ear can be an enormous support to people going through difficult times and its not always easy to talk to family members about things.
The way you can shift your perspective on this is by recognizing that at some level the relationship is giving him some sort of payoff. For whatever reason that is, we may never know, but you can bet there is one or otherwise he would leave already. Now I know you are in a difficult place and watching this, but you may want to distance yourself somewhat from this whilst its happening and you can easily explain to him why you are doing so. Sometimes sitting calmly and discussing things openly with people directly will definitely help and it may be something you could do sitting with him and her at the same time and airing these troubles. You can point out that you notice this doesn’t seem to be fulfilling either of them and that you have distrust for her because you have noticed lies (and give examples) – let him hear these so he is now aware of them and share your concerns with him and her about his future.
Hey love from a LOA perspective you can imagine your brother healed and in a perfect relationship with another girl (or this one) and you can manifest this dream of yours. from a more practical point of view make him feel important and tell him continuously that happiness is an inside job, that girl is not d source of his happiness, he has to find it inside and then he will manifest his ideal relationship. in any case focus more on your well-being so you will have a much deeper influence on your brother, focus on joy and you will rise his vibe too. here are some quotes that could help:
You don’t have to protect yourself from anything! In fact, an attitude of protection will surely bring you to the vibration of the thing from which you’re protecting yourself. Because you can’t look at something and say, “Oh no, I’m saying a prayer to protect myself from you,” without achieving vibrational harmony with “you”, whatever you are.
~Abraham-Hicks, Seattle, WA, 7.3.99
Thank you, your quotes are always very uplifting, I think that is what I am going to do, if I visualise that everything will work out for the greater good for everyone's then it will happen. I am trying to focus on my happiness and self love as I know I will be stronger and more able to help him when I am doing better. Sometimes it is very hard to focus on the good when the situation is bad, but it can be done, thank you for your support, I love the quote that says I don't have to be protected from anything xxx
Yes that is very true, I am understanding more that the things that happen in my life I can use for more positive experiences, I am hoping this situation for my little brother will teach him to love himself and become who he is supposed to be and happier! Thank you xx