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Hi everyone! 

I would like your insight on the relationship challenges that I have been going through the past few months. 

I have created a letter outlining the qualities I want in my desired man. A few months ago I met a guy from New York who embodied some of the characteristics I want in a man. When I returned to Los Angeles we continued communicating but I felt something was off and I got to know that he had another relationship whilst he was talking to me. I blocked him and didn't communicate with him after that.

This year I decided to fully focus on myself while being open to love and dating. I used some online dating apps to meet some guys and kept focusing on myself and enjoying the single life. Some weeks ago, a guy contacted me through one of the dating apps I was using. He is two years older than me, and I am 26 years old. 

We got along well via chat and he was so enthusiastic about meeting me. We met and after that first meeting he was already smitten with me. He was saying how we make a great couple and he can see us being together in the future as partners and accomplishing great things. He was serious about having a future with me. I told him to slow down and to give me some time which he willingly agreed to. I wanted to be cautious and see if his words matched with his actions. 

Also we are very different, he is street smart and I am book smart. In some ways I felt he is like a child, he is certainly playful and I am more serious. But we were still attracted to each other and have great chemistry. I was doubtful about it working out as some of his ways do not match my persona but I was willing to give a chance which he appreciated. 

I told him that I was willing to make it work and be open to his love which I didn't allow previously and he noticed that I was doubtful about a relationship working out between us. So far we have been dating for 2 to 3 weeks and still getting to know each other. When it comes to texting back, I take my time. He always initiate the conversations and sometimes I take a turn too, and we respond to each other within an hour or two. If he takes longer to respond, he apologizes to me. And if I don't respond for more than an hour he texts again and asks if everything is alright.  

Yesterday something unexpected happened which threw me off. He didn't respond for more than two hours and when I texted asking if everything was ok, he texted back in an unpleasant tone saying that he needs to focus on work and his boss is here. And he said he is going through a lot of things and needs to focus on himself. He mentioned early when we were dating that he had been trying to reach his family in Ohio who haven't responded after a long time. 

I told him I am there if he needs a talk and I said I will send positive prayers his way. He then sent me a long text saying how different we are, and he thinks I am probably right that it is not going to work out. He needs someone who understands him, how he doesn't want to see me tonight,that I doubted us twice, that I am super attached which isn't good, and he doesn't want anyone in his way. I was really shocked that he was unloading all his fury on me. 

I responded saying "you aren't mad at me, you are mad at yourself", to which he agreed. 

This morning he sent me a text saying he didn't mean the things he said and he needs a couple of days and then we can talk about it. I wanted to pick up my book that I had lent to him some weeks ago and I said I will pass by today. He said "ok" and even called me this morning. I picked up and said that I am busy and that I will give a call later. 

I went by his workplace today and he wasn't there, neither did he return to his apartment last night. I sent him a text and gave one call. But he still hasn't responded which is fine with me.  

I feel that I am on the right track of being with the right person because he embodies most of the qualities  I want but I still need to work on myself. However I do find myself attracted towards him.

I am giving him plenty of space and time. I didn't initiate any conversations with him today and allowed him to reach out to me. 

So my questions are: 

1. How can I change my energy around him? Appreciating him more but not seeming to be clingy? 

2. Other than giving time and space to him, is there anything else I can do to support him without calling or texting? 

3. I wouldn't mind having a relationship with him. How can I build or renew the connection felt at the beginning?

4. I want him to come back and apologize and say he is willing to give this a chance too. How do I change my focus from him to something else for this to manifest?   

I would appreciate any advice you can give me! And thank you for taking the time to read my long discussion! :) 

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Focusing on feeling good regardless of how they feel about you, because you care about how you feel more than you care about getting a relationship, and you will allow the relationship you want.

Altering your behavior and energy to win someone over can backfire, because you are acting in what you think is another’s best interest, instead of your own. If you do something with the intention of appeasing someone else, you are essentially relying on that person to determine your feelings and actions.

Your doubt was likely projected in the relationship, which is why he started sending you mixed signals. However, there’s nothing wrong with being doubtful or wanting/not wanting a relationship. It’s just sometimes important to think about what you want in a relationship and clarify that for yourself. You said that you met the man you’re speaking of when you decided to  focus on yourself. Focusing on yourself provides clarity, because you learn to live life without the support of another person. You realize that you don’t necessarily need that person to be happy, but you do enjoy, love and/or appreciate their being in your life.


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