Hey again guys :)
Sorry for another post so soon, but your insights really do help me - I will try to keep it as short as possible.
I've always had a self esteem issue which has always had a impact on my personal relationships. I am only just starting to realize that this may stem from my school days where I was bullied non stop over a rough period of around 5 years - as a child, I don't think I will ever understand why or what I ever did to deserve it. Throughout this time I never told anybody what I was going through until one day I broke down to my mum who was taking me to school as I just couldn't face it anymore, I used to wake up with a fear of dread every single morning.
The whole experience is something I have never talked about with anybody as I just got on with it and powered through but I have underestimated the negative effect these times have had on me in the long run. I think I have repressed a lot of these feelings. A big thank you to Karolina for prompting me to explore this.
As I got older I made friends, and this isn't something that happens anymore - I wouldn't let it and I have grown leaps and bounds, I am proud of the person I am and have a good life, amazing family & circle of friends however I feel it's important for me to address this and release it properly so my personal relationships are not effected, I am just unsure of where to start.
I just want to add I am certainly not looking for any sympathy - I just want to know how to stop this from effecting my life any further.
Love to everyone! xx
Ami here's a great article, an amazing video and some quotes that can help you:
Well to be honest, there isn’t a right or wrong way to address this. Its really up to you as to how you do so. For one, you want to feel complete with it, meaning that you recognize (a) that it happened and how it has impacted you; and (b) you then make a conscious choice to not let that past experience define you or your experiences going forward. Now the latter part is easier said than done, because often times we are running on autopilot. Whilst I have no doubt you have not encountered that kind of experience again, it may be because you were so wired to expecting it and disabling it before it happened as a result. You see sometimes, when we have an underlying belief like “I’m not good enough” we actually work through it by becoming overly good enough. So we go to extremes to avoid that label completely. So one place I’d really recommend starting out is with forgiveness for those that bullied you, and more importantly for yourself. You see you would have questioned at that young age why it was happening and likely would have blamed yourself for it. Sadly with bullying its not always a logical answer we come to, we will often judge ourselves as being wrong or different and the likely cause of it, when in all reality it was simply some individuals trying to prove their own worth and power by belitting another. One of the things I used to find useful, that is an active process, is doing a process by Sondra Ray called the forgiveness diet, where you write out “I forgive xyz completely” 7 days a week 70 times each day. Its based on something she read in the bible where Jesus said you must forgive everyone 70x7. She advocates starting out with your parents (i.e. I forgive my father completely; I forgive my mother completely) and then working through the people in your family and your friends etc. It is quite a powerful process, and often times a lot of people start out, and then their resistance builds up and they choose not to complete it, but it is such a freeing one to do. I’ve done it several times, and its fascinating to feel the freedom at the end of it.
Thanks Graysen! Thank you too Stefania.
unsurprisngly - since this post, I have manifested some HUGE arguments in our household.
Do you think this could be linked? When I say huge I mean huge, I have really really lost my temper in 2 situations and this isn’t something that has happened since I was a young teenager and I’m really quite embarrassed about it as I don’t want to make anyone feel bad, especially my family but I seem to have put myself into scenarios where I am being attacked victimised and I wonder if it’s because I have activated this bullying experience within my vibration again!?
My response is to stick up for myself in a BIG away but then there is an awkward tension in the house which I feel really bad about for the people who aren’t involved because it effects everyone in the house.
After years of waking up wishing I wasn’t alive and saying NOTHING and never sticking up for myself against these bullies, I find it hard to keep quiet and allow people to speak to me like shit.
Seems I have just manifested a big mess after this! Interesting - but a mess.
Lets hope some good comes from this somehow
My recommendation, is anytime you feel doubt, anger, or any negative feeling, just smile or laugh. It is even better if you look at yourself in selfie mode on your phone or look at yourself in a mirror, smiling, so you can be sure it is a sincere smile. The LOA is all about being positive, and I think this is the best way to change your mood immediately to being positive. It's really hard to think bad thoughts when you are smiling or laughing. And you can do it anytime you want to. And people love to be around other happy people, and it will make you happy.