Something happened to me about a month ago.
But before that let me shortly explain that I am a single mom. About 4 years ago I got a seat in a great University abroad. This was my big break, my way of getting out a poor life in India. I made a friend, and had a boyfriend and together they tore me apart through constant criticism and a see-saw relationship that teetered between love and hate. In the end I was as broken down as I have ever been. My 'friend' made me feel unattractive for being dark skinned, my boyfriend used me to make him financially comfortable. He also tried to sleep with my friend. I had no idea about this. Then I found I was pregnant. 2 weeks before my delivery my boyfriend dumped me. And well... it just got worse. I went back to living with my parents, I was broke and so hurt that I felt like I was in pieces inside and I was just being held together by skin.
Long story short. About the month ago the emotional pain got intense. I was being eaten up by so much anger and hurt that I couldn't bear it anymore. I wanted it to stop and I knew that my problem was that I could not forgive my friend, my ex and my mother (all three were extremely abusive to me) and thus I could not get over the most painful incident of my life.
So I wanted to forgive and I searched the internet for a prayer to forgive those who hurt me. I found a blog and found a really beautiful prayer which I modified. It followed the lines like this:
- I only have hurt and pain, shame and anger to bring to you today
- I want to forgive So and So for hurting me
- I cannot do this myself, I am not strong enough or capable enough to forgive
- I ask You to forgive them through me
- I give You my burden and accept that you will make it possible for me to forgive them as you forgive me
As I said this prayer I truly felt it. I knew I couldn't really forgive them myself. I was too full of regret and hate. I did not have the strength to forgive them... so gave it up to the Higher Spirit.
So as I prayed, I somewhat imagined the weight of my pain being taken off me and given to God/Spirit/Oneness. It was as if all the collected negative energy I carried around me was transferred to God.
I then slept.
Two days later I noticed that I woke up with exceptional lightness within me.
The evening of the second day, something happened to me. It was as if there was a sun rising... like the break of dawn... how light starts with a soft greyness and then there is a ray over the horizon and then a glimpse of the sun and in a short time the entire brightness of the sun over the earth. It was as if the sun had risen in me.
I was suddenly incredibly aware . I realised that yes, I had been badly used. Yes, I lost a great deal. Yes, I was abused. Yes, my best friend and the man I loved tore me down and said things to me that ripped me apart... But... but... their words were in the past and what's more, they were just words.
I had this realisation that I was beyond the definition of words. And I had this powerful realisation that no matter what happened in the past, that at this present moment I could be anything I chose to be.
I realised that I was actually very blessed. I live a very comfortable life with my family, we are not rich but we can afford many comforts that we never could before. I can have the basic things of my life without a struggle. And what's more... I have a son! A beautiful, beautiful boy. And I mean truly beautiful and not from a mother's partiality for her child. He is of a mixed race and he is already so handsome...well I don't know what trouble he might get up to later. For some reason I simply had not realised just how blessed I was.
It was that evening when I was walking on the balcony of my house with my son, and I saw the light of the sun hit the tree tops and the neighbouring houses that I realised that I had never really lived in the present. I always had lived in the past... reliving painful memories or I was always living in the future where something good would happen. But I was always avoiding the present moment, And that hit me like a ton of bricks. It hit me.
And it hurt a little. Because I also came to the shocking realisation that for 26 years I had been asleep,. Because when you are not living in the present my friends, you are asleep.
For 26 years I had missed out on life because every moment of mine had been tainted with past incidents. This realisation made me feel so much dismay and shock.
I mean. I had spent two years in Europe and did I really live it? No! I had somehow gone through two years of being in a wonderful foreign country under the veil of the emotional abuse my parents had put me through as a child, or the media-fed sense of inadequacy I had because of my skin and features.
I had accomplished the dream of going to Spain and actually living there for 3 months, but did I really live it? No! I was too blinded and lost in a maze of thoughts in which my boyfriend's jealousy featured prominently.
I had been asleep for 26 years... and I cannot tell you what an awful feeling it is to know that you have gone through so much of your life as in a dream. Still, it's better than coming to this realisation at 50 or when you're dying.
It was after this that I opened the book The Power of Now because it just made a lot of sense. I had finally awoken to the present moment and this was the perfect moment.
My dear friends... do you know what it is like to know? I know that at this moment that as much as you believe in the power of LOA you don't really know that it is true.
Well. I know that The Power of Now is a true book. It told me everything I already experienced but explained it in a way that helped me see and understand what I already felt.
I read The Power of Now but I kept putting it down after every paragraph because I was breathless with the Truth of it.
Read it. I beg of you. There is more to life than manifesting what you want. I have so much more to say, but I must stop somewhere. I will continue this post later.
.Hello Raego Llann,
Welcome to the next level.
Continued bright blessings and deep peace. =)
Ross - Tolemac