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There is something that I think may be affecting me more than I realize.  That is a deep, subconscious belief that I don't deserve money because I'm not working.  Recently I have been practicing an affirmation to release fear, and I have been astonished at the change in my life, the fears and phobias I had were affecting me more than I realized until I started to let them go.

So now I need some help with worthiness.  My family was working class.  When I went on disability for depression, so many years ago I don't even want to say, they were terrible to me.  They constantly rubbed in the fact that I wasn't working.  The thing is, a lot of them had children they couldn't afford, and they received government benefits because they weren't making enough to take care of them.  But they acted like it was o.k. for them, because they were working and because if they needed government assistance to take care of their children it was for a "purer" reason.  It wasn't because they were just lazy, ( like me, because of course everyone knows depression isn't a real illness), it was for their kids!

There was absolutely no compassion or sympathy or understanding for what I was going through.  I was treated to a barrage of insults and verbal abuse. I cut off contact with all of them.  They didn't want to help me in any way, but they would have liked to have kept me around as an object of derision and abuse.  I decided to just get away from them.  I actually went to court and legally changed my first and last names. 

There is  only one relative who has been living a life of financial abundance.  I don't want to say who, because I have no proof, but I have good reason to believe he stole my inheritance from me.  The working class relatives were on my mother's side.  My father had a brother who was very well off, my uncle.  He died while I was still going through a serious clinical depression, and agoraphobia.  At the time I was so naive that I thought that if I had inherited anything, the relative who was in charge of handling the will would have notified me.  It wasn't until literally years later that I really started thinking about it and putting the pieces together.  This relative is a narcissist, and very likely a sociopath.  He has no compassion or empathy and is obsessed with money and having financial success so others admire him.

Over the years, as I have been trying to just not end up homeless, I have read in the paper how he has bought new homes every couple years, each more expensive than the last.  He has two adopted stepchildren, and I wondered about the effect all of that moving would have on them.  I recently found out, doing some social media snooping these past few days, that his seventeen year old stepson has dropped out of school.  I wonder how much having that pathologically selfish and self-centered person as a father had to do with it.  Recently, I found out from the newspaper that this relative has bought a summer "cottage" at the lake that cost over 300,000. Besides the expensive home he's already living in.

These past few years, since I first found about the LOA in the summer of 2014, I thought I had overcome my resentment at this person, and what he did to me.  Over this weekend, for some reason, I just really started thinking about this.

 I only found out several years ago that I have ADHD.  These symptoms have been affecting me my entire life, and the stress of trying to function with all of those symptoms, without knowing why I couldn't just get things done like other people ,is probably what led to the breakdown to begin with.  When I first went into a depression, I went to the local low-income mental health clinic.  They put me on medication that made me worse!  They had me underdiagnosed and misdiagnosed, which I'm sure had a lot to do with it.  I gained a huge amount of weight, for one thing, which is a common side effect of the anti-depressant they put me on.   And then everything spiraled.  I lost my apartment and ended up scrambling just to find a place to live, and a lot of those places were slums and dangerous and unhealthy.  I stopped taking medication after about two years and the Counseling Center employees treated me like a troublemaker because I wouldn't "follow the program".  And they, too, brought up "work".  The attitude I encountered there , as well, was "Well you must just not want to work.  You want to be taken care of." The employees at the place dealt with mostly low-income patients, and they were resentful not just of me but the other patients too, because they were working and we weren't.  The irony of that is that if they had been doing their job properly, which included accurately diagnosing people, for a start, then the people they looked down on would have been back to work, at least some of them.  Everyone kept telling me, "Go to the Counseling Center.  Take your meds," like a mantra .  I did that and it made me worse. I have seen people who continued taking the medication that place prescribed for them, and it completely destroyed them.  I needed mental health help, I still do, but that place was worse than no help at all. And those patients weren't going back to work either.  They were also self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, which I didn't do.  I challenged my therapist once, because at that time I was living in a project that was leased by the Counseling Center and my neighbors all went there, and I said to her,"How come all my neighbors are taking the meds you people prescribe and I don't see any of them going back to work. But when they get their checks, they're running out to buy beer, because of the incompetent treatment you people provide."  As far as "just wanting to be take care of", no one was taking care of me!  I had the basics, somewhat, although I ran out of food a lot.  I was living a life of misery.  And the thing is, I know I am an intelligent person.  I was begging for help.  I called different mental health agencies and organizations and I told them, "I want to work.  I want a good job.  I want a better life.  I want to do something with myself." and they all told me to take the meds the Counseling Center was prescribing.That was their help.

I did try going back to work a couple times on my own but I ended up backsliding with my depression.  I would start to feel a little bit better, and then I would go back to work and be so stressed out, with no support system, and I'd lose my job and feel like a failure.  That is very common for people with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD.  I felt like a complete loser .  The thing is, the reason I went back to work when I just started feeling a little improvement with my mental issues, was because I was so ashamed to be on disability. 

The thing that gets me about all this, is that if I HAD received the inheritance money that I should have, if I HAD gotten the help I needed all those years ago because then I would have been able to go to a real mental health clinic , I wouldn't have had to be on disability all this time or maybe even at all.  But the life I was living all those years led to other problems, physical problems and more stress and I think post-traumatic stress from all the danger and abuse and assaults in low-income housing. It snowballed.

I know this is a long post, but I am trying to get across how deep my feelings of unworthiness regarding money go, because of how many years I have been made to feel ashamed of not working, and society's attitude towards people like me.

Something that really upsets me is that knowing the way my relative, (I'll call him Mr.Money Bags from now on) who inherited all that money operates, he has probably also been telling other people, who grew up with us and must wonder what happened to me, that I'm just lazy and don't want to work . That was how he treated me when I became depressed, saying things like, "I wish I could just lay in bed all day."  "I wish I didn't have to work."   And he had a mean, contemptuous, superior smile on his face when he said it. I am sure that he rationalized not helping me by telling himself that he was entitled to my money because he was working and I wasn't. The thing is, he wouldn't want people thinking that he's a terrible person for abandoning his mentally ill relative,so he would have to justify it to anyone who asked by portraying me as someone who wasn't really suffering and in need of help.  Just someone who was living a life of leisure and ease on my government check. I realize some people might say that I don't know for sure that he stole my inheritance, so let's say he didn't, that he did inherit it all and my uncle wrote me off because of my breakdown.  Still, it would have been the decent thing to do to help me.  This really bothers me, because I am a generous person, and if the situation had been reversed, I would have helped him. (Back then, not now!)

Anyway, when I did some snooping this weekend, I looked on the facebook pages of the working class relatives on my mother's side, and I discovered that he was not friends with any of them.  My aunt and quite a few cousins, they are friends with each other, but not him.  I looked at his" friends", and there was not one relative there.  This was something I had suspected,, that they would have asked him for help and he wouldn't have helped them either.  Because he's cold blooded.  I grew up with him, and it wasn't until I completely fell apart and he figured I wouldn't be of use to him, that he showed me who he really is.  It was like he took off a mask.

Anyway, I have been trying to figure out why it has been a couple years now since I saw the Secret, and I have had some small successes manifesting, but not on a large scale.  And recently I have started to think about subconscious feelings of unworthiness. CONSCIOUSLY,  I know how much I have suffered and how I wanted to work and would have if I could have gotten the help I needed.  That's one of the first things I will do when I do get my windfall, is go to a reputable ADHD clinic and learn how to function.  But now I am wondering about the subconsious toll, of constantly being told I was undeserving because I wasn't working.  I asked a religious woman who was very involved with her church once for help.  She was the friend of a friend.  And she said, "You don't get something for nothing!"  Over and over, I was told, basically,"This is the life you deserve if you're not working.  If you want something better, work for it."  My family;  the inept mental health workers who only worked at that clinic because they couldn't get a job anywhere else, people who had enough money to have a choice don't go there;  and the public in general. Even people who I thought were my friends were resentful when I went on disability (and it took years to get on it, it wasn't instantaneous.)  And myself.  I tried going back to work several times when I really wasn't able to, just because if I felt a little bit better, I felt guilty if I didn't, and all it did was make things worse.

One of the ways I now realize how deep the feelings of unworthiness go is that I fantasize about coming into a lot of money, getting help, going to school ,and getting a  really good job.  And then I fantasize about coming back to this town and running into people who have looked down on me for being on disability, and they are now retired or on disability themselves and I get to say to them, "Oh, you're not working?  How come?  I am."  I have actually imagined adding up how much benefits they have received and how much I did, and then pointing out to them, "Well, considering the fact that you retired at the age of 65, and I'm 85 and still working, I'd say we're even."  I don't daydream or fantasize these things on purpose, my mind just wanders.  But the point is, even in my daydreams, I feel a need to prove to the people who put me down that I am a hard worker and that I deserve a financially comfortable life.  I even imagine Mr. Money Bags coming to my door, completely destitute , and I say to him, "Well, I'm working and you're not, so why should I help you?" and closing the door on his face.  And I also say, "Who's the loser now?"

There is another post I just read about manifesting money, and how deep-rooted the belief is that we have to work hard to deserve money.  And I am realizing how deep my feelings of unworthiness, and therefore my subconscious resistance to financial abundance goes. I have really taken a pounding constantly over being on disability.  I have even run into acquaintances that I haven't seen since I went on disability,  at the store or passing on the sidewalk, people I grew up with or used to work with, and they glare at me with hostility.  I didn't do anything to them, so the only thing I can think of is that they heard through the grapevine that I wasn't working and they resent the fact that they are working and I'm not.  It's just always there, and obviously it has taken root in my mind because I fantasize about coming back to this town with a well- paying  career and proving to them that I do have value after all. 

But I do know I have value, CONSCIOUSLY.  I know that there is a reason I'm here and I wouldn't have been created for no reason.  And that is the point of this very long post, too long but I really need to try to express this.  I finally realize how worthless and unworthy I feel SUBCONSCIOUSLY , because I'm not working, and I need some advice, PLEASE, on how to uproot these subconscious beliefs so I can have abundance finally able to make it's way to me.

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You don't need to know what limiting beliefs you have, you just want to care about how you feel, and limiting beliefs will not affect you as long as you focus on feeling better regardless of what's happening in your life.

You want to make the decision that nothing is more important than that you focus on any thoughts, doesn't matter what they are (i.e. fluffy bunnies, a smiling dog or a really funny video), that help you feel better.

I have been trying to do this.  By watching more cute animal videos, for instance!  Thanks for reminding me that thoughts create feelings, and FEELINGS create vibrations!

Thoughts create vibrations, and feelings let you know what vibrations you are offering with your thoughts.

Oops! :)

Thanks for clearing that up!

L'immagine può contenere: 1 persona, sMS

This motivated me to sit down and make a list of things that have manifested in my life recently.  For some reason, October seems to have been a turning point.   I now realize that I have actually been manifesting more than I thought! I feel a lot better now about this.

Cool!

L'immagine può contenere: sMS

Yes ☺   

And whether I speak of everything or anything in particular, I and "it" are inseparable.  I cannot be aware of anything apart from Self, the One and only "ME" 

See and take a look, Feel ME...... what is "there" to change.... for who and what is "there" , for the One All of ME is all I see and feel and be  ?   

I Am One, changeless Being 

All desire is for ME, the Glory and Love of ME , My very Selfhood. 

Is "there" an-other God named I and ME, an-other power, an-other presence, an-other being, an-other existence and Life and time and space, an-other I and ME ?   Nay, I know no other, none at all.

Feel ME,   Am I not always the here, always present, always Wholly with ME ?  

My BeLoved Self 

Your subconscious is playing your "self-image" on a constant loop. Drop your self-image, because it is NOT who you are. It is an IMAGE of self. Just a bunch of thoughts about who you think you are. None of it true. Who you really are cannot be put into words or thoughts. You are beyond thought. When you know that you are not your self-image, and it's a tall order, you will automatically switch to your Being. When you drop your self image (ego), what is left is who you really are. From this place you are the creator, and you know it.

some quotes that could help:

"I'm going to laugh my worry away. I'm gonna catch myself in the act of not enoughness and I am going to laugh my feeling of not enoughness away. Just take those two subjects and make a decision that you're going to laugh them away and you will be amazed at how often those two subjects will rise within you in a day, and you'll have the option to turn downstream". ~ Abraham

L'immagine può contenere: sMS

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Cool quotes Stefania. Thanks for sharing these :)

You're welcome :) Hugs!

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