There is something that I think may be affecting me more than I realize. That is a deep, subconscious belief that I don't deserve money because I'm not working. Recently I have been practicing an affirmation to release fear, and I have been astonished at the change in my life, the fears and phobias I had were affecting me more than I realized until I started to let them go.
So now I need some help with worthiness. My family was working class. When I went on disability for depression, so many years ago I don't even want to say, they were terrible to me. They constantly rubbed in the fact that I wasn't working. The thing is, a lot of them had children they couldn't afford, and they received government benefits because they weren't making enough to take care of them. But they acted like it was o.k. for them, because they were working and because if they needed government assistance to take care of their children it was for a "purer" reason. It wasn't because they were just lazy, ( like me, because of course everyone knows depression isn't a real illness), it was for their kids!
There was absolutely no compassion or sympathy or understanding for what I was going through. I was treated to a barrage of insults and verbal abuse. I cut off contact with all of them. They didn't want to help me in any way, but they would have liked to have kept me around as an object of derision and abuse. I decided to just get away from them. I actually went to court and legally changed my first and last names.
There is only one relative who has been living a life of financial abundance. I don't want to say who, because I have no proof, but I have good reason to believe he stole my inheritance from me. The working class relatives were on my mother's side. My father had a brother who was very well off, my uncle. He died while I was still going through a serious clinical depression, and agoraphobia. At the time I was so naive that I thought that if I had inherited anything, the relative who was in charge of handling the will would have notified me. It wasn't until literally years later that I really started thinking about it and putting the pieces together. This relative is a narcissist, and very likely a sociopath. He has no compassion or empathy and is obsessed with money and having financial success so others admire him.
Over the years, as I have been trying to just not end up homeless, I have read in the paper how he has bought new homes every couple years, each more expensive than the last. He has two adopted stepchildren, and I wondered about the effect all of that moving would have on them. I recently found out, doing some social media snooping these past few days, that his seventeen year old stepson has dropped out of school. I wonder how much having that pathologically selfish and self-centered person as a father had to do with it. Recently, I found out from the newspaper that this relative has bought a summer "cottage" at the lake that cost over 300,000. Besides the expensive home he's already living in.
These past few years, since I first found about the LOA in the summer of 2014, I thought I had overcome my resentment at this person, and what he did to me. Over this weekend, for some reason, I just really started thinking about this.
I only found out several years ago that I have ADHD. These symptoms have been affecting me my entire life, and the stress of trying to function with all of those symptoms, without knowing why I couldn't just get things done like other people ,is probably what led to the breakdown to begin with. When I first went into a depression, I went to the local low-income mental health clinic. They put me on medication that made me worse! They had me underdiagnosed and misdiagnosed, which I'm sure had a lot to do with it. I gained a huge amount of weight, for one thing, which is a common side effect of the anti-depressant they put me on. And then everything spiraled. I lost my apartment and ended up scrambling just to find a place to live, and a lot of those places were slums and dangerous and unhealthy. I stopped taking medication after about two years and the Counseling Center employees treated me like a troublemaker because I wouldn't "follow the program". And they, too, brought up "work". The attitude I encountered there , as well, was "Well you must just not want to work. You want to be taken care of." The employees at the place dealt with mostly low-income patients, and they were resentful not just of me but the other patients too, because they were working and we weren't. The irony of that is that if they had been doing their job properly, which included accurately diagnosing people, for a start, then the people they looked down on would have been back to work, at least some of them. Everyone kept telling me, "Go to the Counseling Center. Take your meds," like a mantra . I did that and it made me worse. I have seen people who continued taking the medication that place prescribed for them, and it completely destroyed them. I needed mental health help, I still do, but that place was worse than no help at all. And those patients weren't going back to work either. They were also self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, which I didn't do. I challenged my therapist once, because at that time I was living in a project that was leased by the Counseling Center and my neighbors all went there, and I said to her,"How come all my neighbors are taking the meds you people prescribe and I don't see any of them going back to work. But when they get their checks, they're running out to buy beer, because of the incompetent treatment you people provide." As far as "just wanting to be take care of", no one was taking care of me! I had the basics, somewhat, although I ran out of food a lot. I was living a life of misery. And the thing is, I know I am an intelligent person. I was begging for help. I called different mental health agencies and organizations and I told them, "I want to work. I want a good job. I want a better life. I want to do something with myself." and they all told me to take the meds the Counseling Center was prescribing.That was their help.
I did try going back to work a couple times on my own but I ended up backsliding with my depression. I would start to feel a little bit better, and then I would go back to work and be so stressed out, with no support system, and I'd lose my job and feel like a failure. That is very common for people with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. I felt like a complete loser . The thing is, the reason I went back to work when I just started feeling a little improvement with my mental issues, was because I was so ashamed to be on disability.
The thing that gets me about all this, is that if I HAD received the inheritance money that I should have, if I HAD gotten the help I needed all those years ago because then I would have been able to go to a real mental health clinic , I wouldn't have had to be on disability all this time or maybe even at all. But the life I was living all those years led to other problems, physical problems and more stress and I think post-traumatic stress from all the danger and abuse and assaults in low-income housing. It snowballed.
I know this is a long post, but I am trying to get across how deep my feelings of unworthiness regarding money go, because of how many years I have been made to feel ashamed of not working, and society's attitude towards people like me.
Something that really upsets me is that knowing the way my relative, (I'll call him Mr.Money Bags from now on) who inherited all that money operates, he has probably also been telling other people, who grew up with us and must wonder what happened to me, that I'm just lazy and don't want to work . That was how he treated me when I became depressed, saying things like, "I wish I could just lay in bed all day." "I wish I didn't have to work." And he had a mean, contemptuous, superior smile on his face when he said it. I am sure that he rationalized not helping me by telling himself that he was entitled to my money because he was working and I wasn't. The thing is, he wouldn't want people thinking that he's a terrible person for abandoning his mentally ill relative,so he would have to justify it to anyone who asked by portraying me as someone who wasn't really suffering and in need of help. Just someone who was living a life of leisure and ease on my government check. I realize some people might say that I don't know for sure that he stole my inheritance, so let's say he didn't, that he did inherit it all and my uncle wrote me off because of my breakdown. Still, it would have been the decent thing to do to help me. This really bothers me, because I am a generous person, and if the situation had been reversed, I would have helped him. (Back then, not now!)
Anyway, when I did some snooping this weekend, I looked on the facebook pages of the working class relatives on my mother's side, and I discovered that he was not friends with any of them. My aunt and quite a few cousins, they are friends with each other, but not him. I looked at his" friends", and there was not one relative there. This was something I had suspected,, that they would have asked him for help and he wouldn't have helped them either. Because he's cold blooded. I grew up with him, and it wasn't until I completely fell apart and he figured I wouldn't be of use to him, that he showed me who he really is. It was like he took off a mask.
Anyway, I have been trying to figure out why it has been a couple years now since I saw the Secret, and I have had some small successes manifesting, but not on a large scale. And recently I have started to think about subconscious feelings of unworthiness. CONSCIOUSLY, I know how much I have suffered and how I wanted to work and would have if I could have gotten the help I needed. That's one of the first things I will do when I do get my windfall, is go to a reputable ADHD clinic and learn how to function. But now I am wondering about the subconsious toll, of constantly being told I was undeserving because I wasn't working. I asked a religious woman who was very involved with her church once for help. She was the friend of a friend. And she said, "You don't get something for nothing!" Over and over, I was told, basically,"This is the life you deserve if you're not working. If you want something better, work for it." My family; the inept mental health workers who only worked at that clinic because they couldn't get a job anywhere else, people who had enough money to have a choice don't go there; and the public in general. Even people who I thought were my friends were resentful when I went on disability (and it took years to get on it, it wasn't instantaneous.) And myself. I tried going back to work several times when I really wasn't able to, just because if I felt a little bit better, I felt guilty if I didn't, and all it did was make things worse.
One of the ways I now realize how deep the feelings of unworthiness go is that I fantasize about coming into a lot of money, getting help, going to school ,and getting a really good job. And then I fantasize about coming back to this town and running into people who have looked down on me for being on disability, and they are now retired or on disability themselves and I get to say to them, "Oh, you're not working? How come? I am." I have actually imagined adding up how much benefits they have received and how much I did, and then pointing out to them, "Well, considering the fact that you retired at the age of 65, and I'm 85 and still working, I'd say we're even." I don't daydream or fantasize these things on purpose, my mind just wanders. But the point is, even in my daydreams, I feel a need to prove to the people who put me down that I am a hard worker and that I deserve a financially comfortable life. I even imagine Mr. Money Bags coming to my door, completely destitute , and I say to him, "Well, I'm working and you're not, so why should I help you?" and closing the door on his face. And I also say, "Who's the loser now?"
There is another post I just read about manifesting money, and how deep-rooted the belief is that we have to work hard to deserve money. And I am realizing how deep my feelings of unworthiness, and therefore my subconscious resistance to financial abundance goes. I have really taken a pounding constantly over being on disability. I have even run into acquaintances that I haven't seen since I went on disability, at the store or passing on the sidewalk, people I grew up with or used to work with, and they glare at me with hostility. I didn't do anything to them, so the only thing I can think of is that they heard through the grapevine that I wasn't working and they resent the fact that they are working and I'm not. It's just always there, and obviously it has taken root in my mind because I fantasize about coming back to this town with a well- paying career and proving to them that I do have value after all.
But I do know I have value, CONSCIOUSLY. I know that there is a reason I'm here and I wouldn't have been created for no reason. And that is the point of this very long post, too long but I really need to try to express this. I finally realize how worthless and unworthy I feel SUBCONSCIOUSLY , because I'm not working, and I need some advice, PLEASE, on how to uproot these subconscious beliefs so I can have abundance finally able to make it's way to me.
You deserve Abundance, and on a deep level you're already experiencing it!
There will be someone who comes from a background of poverty who is influenced to strong wanting. And the rockets of desire will shoot, and then they will find a way to find vibrational harmony with their desire. They will get into this flow in which material things flow into their life at outrageous abundance. And they will feel brief moments of success as it comes, until they are eventually buried by the cumbersomeness of it, and then the next rocket of desire that is born is: "I'm wanting a simpler life." Abraham
Thanks, Stefania! This made me laugh! This is exactly what I want, to be so "buried" by Outrageous Abundance that I just can't take it anymore!!! I just had this image pop into my mind of digging my way out of a pile of money and yelling at the Universe, "You can stop now!" :)
I can relate to a lot to your story, feeling bad because you're not working and feeling undeserving. I dealt with that a lot for many years and being younger people expect you to be working and such. Anyway, when I started to get serious with LOA I tackled the money piece of it which was packed with negative programming and false premises about money.
What really changed the way I viewed money was joining a money manifesting group where we did daily manifesting exercises for a whole month. Through doing that I was challenging a lot of my negative feelings about money and laying out new better feelings about money. We were writing about what we would do with our money, how it would make us feel and really getting into the FEELING of abundance, deserving, the fun of having money and just everything that we wanted to experience with money. Even though I didn't manifest money (or that much I can't remember) at the time or even at the end of the month, I kept doing the processes plus a lot of other vibe boosting things to change my life around.
A few months later, feeling good and amazing about money and myself, I found $120 on the ground coming home! That was probably my biggest intentional money manifestation at the time and it floored me! I kept doing the exercises for years and my beliefs and thoughts about money did change. It was very gradual but the changes stuck.
Fast forward a few years later, I still don't have a proper job as I don't desire a 9 to 5 and money finds all sorts of way to come to me plus I was able to move out of my parents’ home and move into my own place without an income! The last few weeks has been really amazing as far as money coming in I probably manifested, around $200 in the last few weeks? Maybe not much to the average muggle, but for me it's amazing and I'm seeing my money grow as I keep at my exercises to feel wealthy.
The point is, when it comes to manifesting money, we put too much pressure on ourselves and on it to take care of our needs, where it's only one small part of life, a middle man, we can't eat or drink money. You'll be amazed at how your needs can be met without money. We take it too seriously, which causes so much resistance we can't do enough to work around it.
What really made the difference for me when it came to my relationship with money is that I started to get very playful with it. I took the change that I had to my name and started to count it and imagine more money coming in and playing with that. I count money in my mind often and just find any way possible to flow positive feelings about money towards me... I make it fun, where before it wasn't and it was painful.
Especially now, when I have fun and let money go, it finds me in the wildest ways and the amounts are getting a bit bigger as time goes on. When I focus too much on getting a giant windfall where I don't need a job for the rest of my life, the fun with money dries up and things get stressful and so does the money. Once I let go and start having fun again and stop caring if I have a giant income, money comings rushing back. Money really is nothing more than energy that responds to your thoughts and feelings, and all the fuss and "rules" about money and saving doesn't apply. None of those things are universal laws, just people's opinions based on their own experiences and beliefs.
Also, another great tool I've been using for my money manifesting is EFT! AMAZING STUFF, the same week I started to do eft daily towards money I noticed an increase of my money flow. I highly recommend reading up on it and start doing it everyday to really jump start your money journey! Personally, I use this video for my money eft as well as my own script afterwards!
I hope this helps! And good luck!
♥ Kai Oceans *-+ Space Unicorn Coach *-+
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Thank you for sharing your story! It helps to hear from someone else who has been through the same thing. It was really hard when I was struggling with depression and people would literally look me up and down and say, "What's wrong with you? There's not a thing wrong with you. Why can't you work?" Apparently just because I wasn't in a wheelchair or something, no one took mental illness seriously. And what you said about being young, that added a lot to it in terms of how judgmental they were. I am no longer depressed, now it's just my focusing issues and other things related to the ADHD and also possibly aspergers. That's also something I'm now trying to heal with the LOA in a different way than before. I don't want to "cure" those conditions. They are who I am, my personality. I just want to get the symptoms that interfere with my ability to function under control. Just recently , I was wishing for money so I could get treatment. Now ,I'm asking the Universe to just help me with my symptoms, without necessarily having to get money to go to a clinic. I would like to be able to sit and read a book, for instance, without having to constantly get up and walk around, or re-read what I just read because my mind wandered. I have been trying to visualize what I actually want, instead of visualizing trying to get the money first to buy it. It isn't money itself that I want, it's the things I could buy with it, so I'm trying to "eliminate the middle man", like you said. I've already been doing that with some things, like with moving into a more modern apartment, I've been thinking about the apartment directly, not the extra step of first having money to move into it. Still, I did buy a two dollar lottery ticket last week, the first time I bought a lottery ticket in months, because I felt my vibrational level had lifted, and I didn't win. I bought two one-dollar tickets yesterday and didn't win, so I am thinking that I should just wait and let the Universe get me what I want another way. Old habits aren't so easy to break! So sometimes I do directly ask the Universe for what I want, but other times I still first think about money and then what I'd do with it. I think I am just going to do what another new post suggested, and request "prosperity" instead of money. As far as working goes, I now realize there was a part of me that wanted to get a really good job just to prove something to other people, and now that I'm aware of that, I've let it go. I don't care what they think of me. But on the other hand, I do like the idea of having a job for other reasons --- having somewhere to go every day, maybe a job with a lot of other neuroatypicals, so i wouldn't be uncomfortable. I like the idea of having a challenging job with "good stress" and a sense of accomplishment, and to feel competent at something. But maybe I could also get that some other way, so I'm leaving that open for now. There are other things in the immediate future I need to concentrate on, and then as things get better and better I'll just see where my desires take me.
I haven't watched the video on EFT yet but I'm going to.
I was glad to hear from a success story, that you were in the same predicament and it worked out for you!
Just focus on this quote :D :
I can relate Brianna. My parents were never abusive but they were (still are) extremely critical. They criticized everything I did and I mean everything. Sometimes I still hear their voices inside my head saying "Can't ever you do anything right?"
Sometimes it makes me feel subconsciously not worthy of success. I try to think about something else when the voice pops into my head.