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There is something that I think may be affecting me more than I realize.  That is a deep, subconscious belief that I don't deserve money because I'm not working.  Recently I have been practicing an affirmation to release fear, and I have been astonished at the change in my life, the fears and phobias I had were affecting me more than I realized until I started to let them go.

So now I need some help with worthiness.  My family was working class.  When I went on disability for depression, so many years ago I don't even want to say, they were terrible to me.  They constantly rubbed in the fact that I wasn't working.  The thing is, a lot of them had children they couldn't afford, and they received government benefits because they weren't making enough to take care of them.  But they acted like it was o.k. for them, because they were working and because if they needed government assistance to take care of their children it was for a "purer" reason.  It wasn't because they were just lazy, ( like me, because of course everyone knows depression isn't a real illness), it was for their kids!

There was absolutely no compassion or sympathy or understanding for what I was going through.  I was treated to a barrage of insults and verbal abuse. I cut off contact with all of them.  They didn't want to help me in any way, but they would have liked to have kept me around as an object of derision and abuse.  I decided to just get away from them.  I actually went to court and legally changed my first and last names. 

There is  only one relative who has been living a life of financial abundance.  I don't want to say who, because I have no proof, but I have good reason to believe he stole my inheritance from me.  The working class relatives were on my mother's side.  My father had a brother who was very well off, my uncle.  He died while I was still going through a serious clinical depression, and agoraphobia.  At the time I was so naive that I thought that if I had inherited anything, the relative who was in charge of handling the will would have notified me.  It wasn't until literally years later that I really started thinking about it and putting the pieces together.  This relative is a narcissist, and very likely a sociopath.  He has no compassion or empathy and is obsessed with money and having financial success so others admire him.

Over the years, as I have been trying to just not end up homeless, I have read in the paper how he has bought new homes every couple years, each more expensive than the last.  He has two adopted stepchildren, and I wondered about the effect all of that moving would have on them.  I recently found out, doing some social media snooping these past few days, that his seventeen year old stepson has dropped out of school.  I wonder how much having that pathologically selfish and self-centered person as a father had to do with it.  Recently, I found out from the newspaper that this relative has bought a summer "cottage" at the lake that cost over 300,000. Besides the expensive home he's already living in.

These past few years, since I first found about the LOA in the summer of 2014, I thought I had overcome my resentment at this person, and what he did to me.  Over this weekend, for some reason, I just really started thinking about this.

 I only found out several years ago that I have ADHD.  These symptoms have been affecting me my entire life, and the stress of trying to function with all of those symptoms, without knowing why I couldn't just get things done like other people ,is probably what led to the breakdown to begin with.  When I first went into a depression, I went to the local low-income mental health clinic.  They put me on medication that made me worse!  They had me underdiagnosed and misdiagnosed, which I'm sure had a lot to do with it.  I gained a huge amount of weight, for one thing, which is a common side effect of the anti-depressant they put me on.   And then everything spiraled.  I lost my apartment and ended up scrambling just to find a place to live, and a lot of those places were slums and dangerous and unhealthy.  I stopped taking medication after about two years and the Counseling Center employees treated me like a troublemaker because I wouldn't "follow the program".  And they, too, brought up "work".  The attitude I encountered there , as well, was "Well you must just not want to work.  You want to be taken care of." The employees at the place dealt with mostly low-income patients, and they were resentful not just of me but the other patients too, because they were working and we weren't.  The irony of that is that if they had been doing their job properly, which included accurately diagnosing people, for a start, then the people they looked down on would have been back to work, at least some of them.  Everyone kept telling me, "Go to the Counseling Center.  Take your meds," like a mantra .  I did that and it made me worse. I have seen people who continued taking the medication that place prescribed for them, and it completely destroyed them.  I needed mental health help, I still do, but that place was worse than no help at all. And those patients weren't going back to work either.  They were also self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, which I didn't do.  I challenged my therapist once, because at that time I was living in a project that was leased by the Counseling Center and my neighbors all went there, and I said to her,"How come all my neighbors are taking the meds you people prescribe and I don't see any of them going back to work. But when they get their checks, they're running out to buy beer, because of the incompetent treatment you people provide."  As far as "just wanting to be take care of", no one was taking care of me!  I had the basics, somewhat, although I ran out of food a lot.  I was living a life of misery.  And the thing is, I know I am an intelligent person.  I was begging for help.  I called different mental health agencies and organizations and I told them, "I want to work.  I want a good job.  I want a better life.  I want to do something with myself." and they all told me to take the meds the Counseling Center was prescribing.That was their help.

I did try going back to work a couple times on my own but I ended up backsliding with my depression.  I would start to feel a little bit better, and then I would go back to work and be so stressed out, with no support system, and I'd lose my job and feel like a failure.  That is very common for people with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD.  I felt like a complete loser .  The thing is, the reason I went back to work when I just started feeling a little improvement with my mental issues, was because I was so ashamed to be on disability. 

The thing that gets me about all this, is that if I HAD received the inheritance money that I should have, if I HAD gotten the help I needed all those years ago because then I would have been able to go to a real mental health clinic , I wouldn't have had to be on disability all this time or maybe even at all.  But the life I was living all those years led to other problems, physical problems and more stress and I think post-traumatic stress from all the danger and abuse and assaults in low-income housing. It snowballed.

I know this is a long post, but I am trying to get across how deep my feelings of unworthiness regarding money go, because of how many years I have been made to feel ashamed of not working, and society's attitude towards people like me.

Something that really upsets me is that knowing the way my relative, (I'll call him Mr.Money Bags from now on) who inherited all that money operates, he has probably also been telling other people, who grew up with us and must wonder what happened to me, that I'm just lazy and don't want to work . That was how he treated me when I became depressed, saying things like, "I wish I could just lay in bed all day."  "I wish I didn't have to work."   And he had a mean, contemptuous, superior smile on his face when he said it. I am sure that he rationalized not helping me by telling himself that he was entitled to my money because he was working and I wasn't. The thing is, he wouldn't want people thinking that he's a terrible person for abandoning his mentally ill relative,so he would have to justify it to anyone who asked by portraying me as someone who wasn't really suffering and in need of help.  Just someone who was living a life of leisure and ease on my government check. I realize some people might say that I don't know for sure that he stole my inheritance, so let's say he didn't, that he did inherit it all and my uncle wrote me off because of my breakdown.  Still, it would have been the decent thing to do to help me.  This really bothers me, because I am a generous person, and if the situation had been reversed, I would have helped him. (Back then, not now!)

Anyway, when I did some snooping this weekend, I looked on the facebook pages of the working class relatives on my mother's side, and I discovered that he was not friends with any of them.  My aunt and quite a few cousins, they are friends with each other, but not him.  I looked at his" friends", and there was not one relative there.  This was something I had suspected,, that they would have asked him for help and he wouldn't have helped them either.  Because he's cold blooded.  I grew up with him, and it wasn't until I completely fell apart and he figured I wouldn't be of use to him, that he showed me who he really is.  It was like he took off a mask.

Anyway, I have been trying to figure out why it has been a couple years now since I saw the Secret, and I have had some small successes manifesting, but not on a large scale.  And recently I have started to think about subconscious feelings of unworthiness. CONSCIOUSLY,  I know how much I have suffered and how I wanted to work and would have if I could have gotten the help I needed.  That's one of the first things I will do when I do get my windfall, is go to a reputable ADHD clinic and learn how to function.  But now I am wondering about the subconsious toll, of constantly being told I was undeserving because I wasn't working.  I asked a religious woman who was very involved with her church once for help.  She was the friend of a friend.  And she said, "You don't get something for nothing!"  Over and over, I was told, basically,"This is the life you deserve if you're not working.  If you want something better, work for it."  My family;  the inept mental health workers who only worked at that clinic because they couldn't get a job anywhere else, people who had enough money to have a choice don't go there;  and the public in general. Even people who I thought were my friends were resentful when I went on disability (and it took years to get on it, it wasn't instantaneous.)  And myself.  I tried going back to work several times when I really wasn't able to, just because if I felt a little bit better, I felt guilty if I didn't, and all it did was make things worse.

One of the ways I now realize how deep the feelings of unworthiness go is that I fantasize about coming into a lot of money, getting help, going to school ,and getting a  really good job.  And then I fantasize about coming back to this town and running into people who have looked down on me for being on disability, and they are now retired or on disability themselves and I get to say to them, "Oh, you're not working?  How come?  I am."  I have actually imagined adding up how much benefits they have received and how much I did, and then pointing out to them, "Well, considering the fact that you retired at the age of 65, and I'm 85 and still working, I'd say we're even."  I don't daydream or fantasize these things on purpose, my mind just wanders.  But the point is, even in my daydreams, I feel a need to prove to the people who put me down that I am a hard worker and that I deserve a financially comfortable life.  I even imagine Mr. Money Bags coming to my door, completely destitute , and I say to him, "Well, I'm working and you're not, so why should I help you?" and closing the door on his face.  And I also say, "Who's the loser now?"

There is another post I just read about manifesting money, and how deep-rooted the belief is that we have to work hard to deserve money.  And I am realizing how deep my feelings of unworthiness, and therefore my subconscious resistance to financial abundance goes. I have really taken a pounding constantly over being on disability.  I have even run into acquaintances that I haven't seen since I went on disability,  at the store or passing on the sidewalk, people I grew up with or used to work with, and they glare at me with hostility.  I didn't do anything to them, so the only thing I can think of is that they heard through the grapevine that I wasn't working and they resent the fact that they are working and I'm not.  It's just always there, and obviously it has taken root in my mind because I fantasize about coming back to this town with a well- paying  career and proving to them that I do have value after all. 

But I do know I have value, CONSCIOUSLY.  I know that there is a reason I'm here and I wouldn't have been created for no reason.  And that is the point of this very long post, too long but I really need to try to express this.  I finally realize how worthless and unworthy I feel SUBCONSCIOUSLY , because I'm not working, and I need some advice, PLEASE, on how to uproot these subconscious beliefs so I can have abundance finally able to make it's way to me.

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Hi Stefania!  I do agree about being frustrated and having that interfere with receiving, because I have wondered where the heck is my new apartment?, but I also have realized just in the past couple days that a part of it is also that I am preparing to move on from this old life once and for all and there are still some things to let go of, and I have been putting up resistance because I don't feel ready, but also maybe I really haven't been ready.

A while back I had a post up about having a lot of paper clutter, and whether I needed to let go of it first to manifest a new place, or if I could manifest a new apartment first and just take it with me. Since then, I have gotten rid of quite a bit of it.  Not all of it as I had hoped by now.  But here is the thing: Going through the old newspaper and magazine articles I clipped and realizing the things I used to care about have helped me see how far I've come and what I still  need to let go of.

I was being hard on myself about not getting rid of it all by now, but I realize that this is something major in terms of realizing how far I've come in shifting my mindset and what is left to be done.

I have posted about what I went through in terms of public housing in this area and political corruption.  As I'm going through old newspaper articles, I realize how, for years, I was obsessed with exposing those people.  I was planning on writing a memoir.  I didn't want to forget anything that had happened to me (!!!!!!!) so I made a lot of notes trying to remember every bad thing (!!!!!!!!!).  I cut out article after article about the corruption in this area, which is legendary. I cut out articles about other people who had been subjected to injustice, not just here but anywhere in the world, situations that had nothing to do with me except that it was about injustice or unfairness.  I cut out articles about the environment, and the pollution in the oceans and melting glaciers.  I was absolutely focused on how terrible everything was.  Going through all this paper from my past, articles I cut out and notes I wrote to myself, is helping me to really appreciate where my mind was at and how it kept me where I was.  I could have just thrown all these piles away, but going through them has been a learning experience and I need to do this to let go of the old self once and for all.

I feel like I'm literally shedding my old skin, (like a snake).  :)  Even regarding this discussion---I am at a completely different place mentally than when I started it, and that was only on May 15. The message about work has sunk in!  I put up a discussion a while ago about unresolved feelings of guilt, and the feedback I received helped me to let that go.  Then I put up this discussion about feeling unworthy because I wasn't working and now I have been able to let that go.  I am also working on not being critical of others or judging others, in terms of how they spend their money ---that was yet another discussion and you cleared that up for me.

So I feel now that I am in some sort of preparation stage and have been for awhile, not realizing it.  It isn't just about moving into another apartment, and hopefully to another state, but also about moving on from this vibrational level, once and for all.  And this vibrational level is higher than the one I used to be at!  So I have been moving, just mentally instead of physically.

And things have gotten better!  I have been manifesting along the way, and also have changed how I react to things.  I used to say, "Why oh why" a lot, as in, "Why Oh Why Oh Why do these things always happen to me???  Why oh why oh why can't anything ever work out for me," etc.etc.  I used to say, "My life has always been terrible and will always be terrible.  Why bother to keep trying?" I used to actually say those things to myself!

So I am no longer, at this moment, worried or frustrated, although I was.  Now, I feel like everything is moving along the way it is supposed to, that I am learning the lessons I'm supposed to learn and coming to relevant realizations, and taking appropriate actions.  There are still some things I'm trying to figure out, so I will probably be posting more questions in the future!  For now, I'm going through and reading as many discussions on the forum as possible and trying to understand more and more.

Thank you for all the help you've given me!

Thank you Brianna for this beautiful post! i can see clearly you're in a diferent vibrational place and im really happy for you, you see it just takes some good focus & practice!

Here are some other quotes that can help:

L'immagine può contenere: cielo, montagna, natura, spazio all'aperto e sMS

L'immagine può contenere: sMSL'immagine può contenere: sMS

L'immagine può contenere: camera_da_letto e spazio al chiusoL'immagine può contenere: una o più personeL'immagine può contenere: cibo e sMSL'immagine può contenere: sMSL'immagine può contenere: una o più persone e sMSL'immagine può contenere: 1 persona, sMS

Great replies :)

I thunk usually need to forgive YOURSELF. Forgive yourself for the beliefs you have held about yourself. That you have been a drain on finances. That you don't deserve because you haven't been working. That others have had to support you. All of these are false beliefs. We all have specific lessons in life to learn, and these are different from person to person. Your's has come through depression and the metaphysical reasons for having that illness. Others may not understand this, but it doesn't mean that what you had should be denigrated, and it doesn't make you a drain and a parasite for going through this experience.

However, others have made you feel this way and these are feelings you have carried around with you. You need to let these beliefs and feelings go now because they are what is keeping you out of alignment with what you desire. I don't think believing that you deserve will do much for you until you clear out the worn-in and deeply-held feelings you have about yourself first of all. You can do this through forgiveness and it will be like pressing a reset button on your life.

Forgiveness is a process in which you let go of all of the negative beliefs you have had about yourself, and give them to the Universe for healing. It is also a metaphysical process in which energy is freed up. A lot of your energy has gone into feeling bad and guilty about yourself, and battling depression, but when you start to forgive, this energy moves from the past to the present moment. As it does this, it becomes available to be used for things like healing, miracles, abundance, solutions, flow of life and shifts in reality. I would definitely recommend that you start forgiving yourself, and clearing out the negative beliefs and feelings this way.

Affirm many times a day: I FORGIVE MYSELF. See if you can aim for 1000 times a day.

It works by small increments first, but the more you do it, the more positive energy will be released, and the more negative energy will be healed and transmuted by the Universe. You don't need to know what exactly to forgive and you don't need to know how. The Universe will take care of all of that. What you have to do is be willing to forgive yourself. Once you start doing that, then all sorts of other things start falling into place.

Sir Neil, Thank You for this advice!  I have already received a lot of benefit from you recommendation to use "I Release All Fear" as an affirmation, so I will start on this right away!

L'immagine può contenere: sMS

L'immagine può contenere: una o più persone e sMSL'immagine può contenere: cane e spazio al chiusoNessun testo alternativo automatico disponibile.

L'immagine può contenere: sMS

L'immagine può contenere: una o più persone e sMS

"Your action has nothing to do with your abundance! Your abundance is a response to your vibration. Of course, your belief is part of your vibration. So if you believe that action is part of what brings your abundance, then you've got to unravel that." Abraham

L'immagine può contenere: 1 persona, sMS

L'immagine può contenere: frutta e cibo

 

I had a glitch with my checking account earlier this week.  I called the bank to get it straightened out and I talked to two different people, and they were both so incredibly nice about it!  The one woman told me, in a very reassuring way, "We'll have someone push a few magic buttons, and get it fixed in no time."  My attitude was different than it would have been in the past, I wasn't frantic, after I found the problem online I had to wait a couple hours for the bank to open so I could talk to someone, and there were a few brief moments of worry, but then I told myself over and over, "The Universe is going to come through for me.  It's going to be fine!"  And it was!

I have noticed in general that people are a lot more helpful and pleasant towards me.  So my "vibrational offering" must have improved from what it used to be!

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