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Most of us (as far as I know) are raised with the belief that it is selfish and "wrong" to "feel sorry for yourself" - we're programmed with "Stop feeling sorry for yourself..." - and the idea of feeling sorry for yourself becomes confused and enmeshed with "wallowing" and negativity... but there is a Very Important difference....

As we know, our feelings are our Guidance System.

When experiencing hurt, anger, frustration, sorrow, depression, dissapointment....etc. there is a natural urge which leads towards healing. If we were to "go with the flow" on feelings alone, most of us would probably feel really sorry for ourselves for a while, comfort ourselves, and then, find ways to feel better, and eventually get back into the game.

* A person who has been programmed against "feeling sorry for myself" will generally fight the natural urge to be compassionate with themselves, and will probably treat themselves in the same way as(and sometimes worse than) they were treated by whoever taught them this belief. And many others who have been programmed with this belief will rebel against it despite the belief.... and this comes out in complaining, and seeking acknowledgement and sympathy from others. It can also fester and become agression, resentment... and of course a variety of other symptoms.

That person will take much longer to heal (if they do at all) than someone who feels sorry for themselves until they feel better.

* There is a fear that feeling sorry for yourself is quicksand, and that once you step into that mode, you're not going to come out of it again. But that is called dispondency, not "feeling sorry for yourself". And if you do a Good job of feeling sorry for yourself (as described below), dispondency is not on the menu! ;)

If someone you love is physically hurt, it's highly unlikely you'd have no sympathy or compassion for them and that you'd push them and force them to keep going and ignore their cries of pain. You'd probably look after them, treat them kindly and compassionately, encourage them to rest, maybe even spoil them a little, and do what you could to make them feel better and to speed their healing.

And yet we usually don't treat our own emotional, mental and spiritual pain and healing in the same way.

These are the fastest, most effective steps to aid healing (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual):

1. Feel sorry for yourself - meaning a combination of Compassion and Acknowledgement.

2. Treat yourself as you would a loved one who is recovering from surgery.

3. Do whatever feels good in the moment, no matter how "self indulgent" - it is part of your treatment and it will speed up your healing.

4. Follow what feels good in the moment. If you follow what feels good in the moment, you will come through the self pity, move into self comforting, move on to indulgence, and then to inspiration and finally back to action. And it's important to let each stage play through fully until you naturally and automatically find yourself in the next one. As long as you're following what feels good in the moment, you can't go wrong, and you will not stay in any one state indefinitely.

So, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself! Give yourself permission. It's giving yourself a soft place to fall before you rest, recover and get up again.

Love and Light and Magic xxx
___________________________________________________________
Programming Your Subconscious to Achieve Your Conscious Goals
Low Self Esteem: http://www.yourselfempowered.com

Tags: compassion, emotional, feeling, for, guidance, healing, indulgence, pity, self, sorry, More…system, yourself

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Beautiful
What a great perspective! This makes so much sense. Thank you. Sometimes it's good to be "given permission" to just feel what you feel without fighting it constantly saying, NO, you should feel ___ and you should feel___. No you MUST feel____.
Thank you!
Very beautiful and written with the heart, I LOVE IT!
Lovely.
Thank you so much for this as most people like myself im in the caring professions and find it hard to sympathyize with myself if i have a hard time im so used to caring for everyone else but find it hard to do with myself i now have official permission nameste x

You're all very welcome :) I'm so glad it was useful! :)

I've had some queries/objections from a couple of people, which I thought I'd share here, with my answers to them, in case others have the same concerns..... (I'll put each one in a separate post to make it easier to read)

Query: "What if the thing that you use to 'indulge yourself' is what is hurting you? Like an addiction?"

My Answer:

Good point! I'm no expert on addiction, but I have a little experience of it, and from my limitted knowledge, I think that the "good" feeling from giving into an addiction, is not the same as the feeling you might get from doing something that feels good, but that you're not addicted to.

For example, if a person is addicted to gambling, the feeling they get when gambling may feel good, but it will also be mixed with a variety of other feelings - possibly guilt, "danger", fear, desperation... it won't feel the same as, for example, riding a skate-board (if that feels good obviously ) or playing a Wii game they enjoy, or having a bubble bath... or ... whatever else makes them feel good - there will be a distinctive difference in feeling between the addictive behaviour, and behaviour that just feels good - without the baggage that goes with addiction.

So, following what feels good - means following what makes you feel good without any of those extra feelings. Indulging in what feels good, without strings attached.

Of course, the other thing is that if a person has an addiction, then obviously the idea would be to indulge in other things that they're not addicted to. If they have an alcohol addiction, then indulging in bubble baths, computer games, chocolate, watching movies, starting a new activity, martial arts.... or whatever else feels genuinely good at the time, would be more effective. Of course, if they indulge in their addiction, they're creating more negativity for themselves. So, finding other ways to pamper and comfort themselves would be more effective.

Love and Light and Magic xxx
Query (this one is edited due to language): All I need to do is remind myself of conditions in sweatshops that nike, adidas, walmart, old navy, gap, that employ millions of third world country inhabitants and I quickly stop feeling sorry for myself. These corporations have children working 12 hour days, 6 day weeks, with 2 breaks. If a kid tries to take an extra break, they get beaten. They live in 9x9 foot cement cells and eat rice with salt 2 meals a day. ...Many families make a choice between them or their children eating every day. If you tip over a carosine lamp, you probably won't be eating for 3 days because something so small would create a huge financial tragedy.

So if I get rejected by a girl that I ask on a date, score a bad mark on a test, or my parents "yell" at me... Guess what? I don't feel sorry for myself. You, and everyone else that made a post on this thread has no **** reason to feel sorry for yourself ever.


My Answer:

I understand what you're saying because it's the viewpoint most of us are raised with, which is why I wrote this post. ;)

Your not feeling sorry for yourself doesn't help those children in any way at all. What it does do however, is reinforce low self esteem and self worth. I suspect you're not going to accept that (I may be wrong of course ;) ) because I get the impression from your post that you're very passionate about your belief that those who aren't suffering as much as others have nothing to complain about, and this is very strong programming in a lot of us, so I'm not trying to convince you to agree, just explaining what I mean in my post above.

If, in being tough on himself, a person was thereby making the smallest improvement to the experience of even just one of those children you mentioned, then I would be writing a very different post!

The way you treat yourself has no effect on the millions of people suffering in the world. For that, there are causes and organisations to donate to, volunteer for, and even start up from scratch.... but the way you treat yourself only has an effect on your own beliefs, your own self esteem, self worth, feelings of deserving and behaviour... and in turn, of course, on the people around you.

The "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, there are others much worse off than you!" was a tool introduced by parents who didn't know how else to handle their children. They used that "logic" because it was the only way they could think of to make their child "snap out of it and get on with it". They didn't realise that showing the child Compassion and Acknowledgement is the fastest, most effective way to help them to "snap out of it and get on with it". Because the child has received Acknowledgement and Compassion, he's able to let go and move on.

But if he's given the message he has no right to feelings of compassion and sympathy and his feelings are not acknowledged, by being told to "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, there are others worse off than you.." the message being programmed into his subconscious is that he has no right to express his feelings... which can result in suppressed feelings... which can result in subconscious resentment, rage and any number of other things... which then come out in a variety of ways which are seen to be issues in themselves, instead of symptoms of programming the basis of which is "I'm not important."

And this "logic" which is based in low self esteem and low self worth of "You have no right to complain when there are so many others so much worse off than you." has been carried down from generation to generation, like many other things, and because it's been programmed into them as children, those who keep that belief, program it into their own children ... and so the legacy of low self esteem, low self worth, and beliefs of undeserving continues...

Showing Compassion and Acknowledgement to yourself, in the same way you would show it for someone else you care about, can only have a positive effect on you and those around you - if, as I said, you do it right ;)

Love and Light and Magic xxx
Query: hmm..I don't agree. but its your wording I don't agree with mostly.

feeling sorry for yourself doesn't mean you heal

feeling sorry for yourself doesn't mean you overcome a problem

feeling sorry for yourself, just means that, you feel sorry yourself. it is an end to itself and a way to continually make excuses to feel sorry for yourself. solutions don't magically appear in thin air when you feel sorry for yourself. rather, you see more things to feel sorry about. that's why it's an end to itself. when you feel sorry for yourself, the sky's the limit of what else to feel sorry about!

there are a lot of people who feel constantly sorry for themselves
1. some are shallow
2. others are really suffering and have probably been suffering their whole lives, born into poverty, disease, so on
3. others are suffering from a mental disease, like depression that makes them feel sorry for themselves, when there might not be any reason to be

words are symbolic, they have no definitive meaning, but the meaning we give to them

I feel you are changing the meaning of feeling sorry for yourself to "letting out your emotions"

letting out your emotions is important, like you said, your emotional guidance system. if you need to cry. cry. if you need to be angry. be angry. emotions however are normally INSTANT. and for a lot of times, even more so with depression, they feel uncontrollable. like laughing. how many people can genuinely force themselves to laugh? a lot of people can't.

thoughts however are controllable unless you are clinically insane. for us sane people, we can control our thoughts.

Thats the difference between thoughts and emotions. feeling sorry for yourself is a mental action. not an emotional action. feeling sorry for yourself are THOUGHTS.

1. "my car is crappy"
2. "my job sucks"
3. "my friends suck"
4. "I'm fat"
5. "I'm ugly"
6. "I'm a loser"
7. "I hate my life yatta yatta yatta"

do you understand?

these are thoughts WE CONTROL. they are not emotions.

rather negative thoughts GENERATE negative emotions that make us feel really crappy

if you understand the concept of the emotional guidance system, the idea is, your emotions are your ultimate guide to what is 'good' and what is 'bad'. to what makes you happy, and what makes you miserable. if something makes you feel crappy, its a 'bad'. thinking negative thoughts like "I hate myself" makes you feel CRAPPY. You emotional guidance system is telling you these thoughts are BAD. Stop thinking them!! THESE THOUGHTS MAKE YOU MISERABLE. They are NOT healing you. Thats how you use the emotional guidance system with thoughts. Pay attention to how thoughts make you feel.

This is also the LOA. Your emotional guidance system will ALWAYS let you know the quality of your thoughts.

And if you feel 'good' when you hate yourself or your life, thats usually a sure sign you are not mentally/emotionally healthy and might need professional help before you start physically harming yourself

Like I said, feeling sorry for yourself will never heal you. It will never solve your problems. And it usually BLINDS you from solutions.

The poor man can feel sorry for himself every day because he's a mr. empty pockets - money will never magically manifest because he's miserable.

The girl who was just dumped can feel sorry for herself in every social event she goes to. Her bad vibes and jealousy won't attract a new relationship into her life, or help her get over the past.

If cry then cry. You are emotionally distraught. Be emotionally distraught. The death of a loved one is literally for most of us, unimaginable.

But thinking negative thoughts? It will never do you any good.

If the poor man feels sorry for himself and says "I might as will give up, I'll always be poor!". Then he lacks the motivation and the self confidence needed to achieve abundance in his life.

Self defeating ego thoughts. That is what feeling sorry for yourself really means. Thats why feeling sorry for yourself has always been frowned on. It is NOT the same as expressing your emotions.


My Answer:

I think you may have misunderstood what I meant by "Feeling sorry for yourself". As I mentioned, what I'm referring to is Compassion + Acknowledgement - feeling (not thinking - feeling) the way for yourself that you would for someone else you care about.

Most of us are raised to be tough on ourselves, to treat ourselves harshly. When something happens that makes you feel bad, if you just force yourself to feel better - in other words, you force yourself to push away the "bad" feelings and feel better (and many people who are trying to work with the LOA do this), what you're doing is suppressing those "bad" feelings - and they WILL come out in some other way.

Quote:
"Thats the difference between thoughts and emotions. feeling sorry for yourself is a mental action. not an emotional action. feeling sorry for yourself are THOUGHTS."

I disagree. Feeeeeling sorry for yourself - is a feeeeling. "Thinking sorry for yourself" would be thoughts ;)

Quote:
"1. "my car is crappy"
2. "my job sucks"
3. "my friends suck"
4. "I'm fat"
5. "I'm ugly"
6. "I'm a loser"
7. "I hate my life yatta yatta yatta""


You're right, these are thoughts - but they're not "Feeling sorry for yourself" The thoughts may create negative feelings, but the thoughts are not what I'm referring to.

What I'm talking about is illustrated in this example:

If you get hurt by someone, and you begin to feel sad, and you tell yourself to snap out of it, and you force yourself to not feel sad, there's a message you're giving to yourself. If a friend you care about had the same experience, and they told you about it, you would (presumably) show them sympathy and compassion, and you would (presumably) acknowledge their feelings and what had happened.

The message getting programmed into your subconscious is that your friend's feelings are important and valid, but yours are not and you don't have a right to them.

Whereas, if you treat yourself the way you'd treat your friend - with the same sympathy, compassion and acknowledgement - like your friend, once you feel your feelings have been validated and acknowledged, you will then NATURALLY move up the emotional guidance scale.

Hope this helps to clarify.

Love and Light and Magic xxx
I think you explained this well, it is very true. You can't truly help someone by denying your own needs emotional and physical. Only through treating yourself well, can you empower others to do the same. I do see what the person was saying because we are so fortunate compared to many others in the world. I have always been the type to deny my feelings as selfish or stupid because there are people worse off in the world. The thing is in doing that I didn't improve the situation of those people and as a result suffered from lower self-esteem.

What she is trying to say is that it's ok when you are feeling sad to just allow that feeling to encompass you and then let it go. If we would feel fully the first time instead of burying it under countless excuses as to why we are not worthy of feeling "this way" we would be better off, and better equiped to be of value to others by volunteering, teaching etc.

If you keep denying yourself the right to feel bad about something in the moment you feel it, you end up burying it because it does not go away your body wants to feel this and will find a way and it eventually does. It comes out in anger, envy, spite, low self-esteem etc. Those of which are of no good to others. Have you ever been around someone with a bad attitude, it's draining! Not empowering at all. and if you are not careful around people like that you end up going down to their "emotional" level, how does that help anyone?

We're not saying sit at home all day and say woe is me. Actually what I love and I know most people love is that this forum's main focus is gratitude. What we are saying is that if you feel something good or bad (because there are people that feel quilty for being happy, or feeling good as well), allow yourself to feel it completly and then let it go, never letting it take over that quiet joy and inner peace that we all feel when connected with source.

I hope this helps. :)
Lovely perspective..
I do agree that we need to feel compassion for ourselves, but compassion is very different than feeling 'sorry' for someone... it is easier to think of someone else maybe who is less fortunate than you - maybe homeless? Sympathy is mired with pity, and rooted in a victim mentality, where as empathy - really trying to understand what that person's process to me indicates a level of care and compassion.

I look at it the same way with working through problems for oneself... it is okay to allow yourself to feel stuck, even to take a "victimized" approach (ie the world is doing all of this bad stuff to me, woe is me); however, that feeling is no better, or worse, than one of depression. All are indicators that you are not where you want to be, and all indicate a certain level of powerlessness.Now, this all being said, I do not like staying in a 'sorry for myself' mentality for very long, because out of all of the feelings/ processes, I find it very disempowering... the belief that someone else has put me in a spot of hatred/ powerlessness does nothing to help me 'get out' of that feeling... so I try not to allow myself to rest there for too long, lest I start to hand over the true power in my life to someone else.
I agree with that as well, I think that the words "sorry for yourself" are what people are having a problem with. Like you said having compassion for yourself to feel a certain way and not to berate yourself for having the feeling is good. Then move on from it, don't dwell on it, or let it overpower you. Allow it and then let it go and then feel proud that you can move forward in a positive way.

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