There are many things that people talk about when it comes to the law of attraction and how to create the life you want-- I don't want to go into so much detail about where I am because I don't need anybody telling me anything I've heard over and over again, but essentially I just hate my life and any kind of attempt to change it (including letting go) has been a struggle for me. I've been suicidal for the majority of my life, and I always battle with should I or shouldn't I do it-- I don't need anyone trying to persuade me to staying or leaving, so please don't try. I despise when people do that simply because of their own fear of death. I had a dream this morning about this dilemma-- essentially, in the dream, it seemed like a continuation of my waking life. I kept battling with "should I or shouldn't I", and in my dream, the universe almost orchestrated a series of events that made it so that the only option I had to freedom, was to commit suicide. In the dream, it seemed I was trying so hard to hold onto hope that things would change and that I'd be free, but suicide was inevitable just like I kind of knew it would be. Taking my life wasn't easy in the dream either, as in, I had a hard time coming to terms with that decision even though it truly was the only option available. I've felt like that in real life, and I know the purpose of dreams. I woke up truly aware of how I was feeling, and I truly wondered if I was just holding onto hope that my life would change and that I would get better, when suicide is just an inevitable thing that I'm prolonging because I'm holding onto so much hope although nothing I've tried, has worked. I don't want to live this life, but I don't want to die either. I've exhausted all my other options to try and make this life work, and I just don't know what to do. At the end of all my trying, I just tried to let it all go and just meditate for as long as I can and for as frequently as I can daily, but meditating has become difficult. I'm so tired of struggling and I just wonder if any of it is even worth it, when, I know that I'm just going to die anyways, reincarnate whenever I do, and be retrained out of that happiness and well being once more and suffer again. I genuinely hate every option I have and I wish I could just disappear.
You're free to do whatever you want to do, just know that nothing is "inevitable". It's always available and you're free to choose it, or to choose something else.
Right now you're stuck in a loop of fear, and that keeps you from seeing any more possibilities than the ones you've already explored. Fear always narrows our focus, so we don't allow ourselves to see anything beyond the fear.
What is it that you are most afraid of?
I have two main things that I feel I'm most afraid of. I haven't ever really experienced true unconditional love in my life, and letting go of my old beliefs is scary, so that's one. It's kind of like: you grow up learning all these things and then something like the law of attraction comes along and teaches you that everything you've learned about how things work is essentially incorrect, but when you go to abandon those beliefs, it's almost like you won't let yourself for fear of believing in a lie. I wonder to myself how it's possible to know unconditional love when I haven't experienced it. It's almost like I have too many beliefs that contradict each other. I believe in unconditional love, but the long horrors of my life hold me back as evidence that unconditional love isn't real, especially since I haven't experienced it. Then there's "thought creates reality" which truly makes sense, but I haven't been able to shift anything within me because of what I previously said, so nothing's come to pass. Number two is a hard one-- I feel like I haven't killed myself yet because I feel it in me that I have this really big purpose, but it's almost a burden because I can't line up with any of it. It would be different if I learned about the law of attraction and then slowly got my life working out, but that hasn't been the case. It's like nothing I previously tried worked, and then I learned about universal law and that still didn't work. Like I said I often feel like I have this really big purpose and that I'm meant to do a lot and help a lot of people and have fun and be me, but my life is the opposite of that, and trying to get into any of that with any approach is just painful. I feel like if I killed myself, I'd miss out more for myself than people would miss out in me helping them and I just don't want that either. My dream was accurate in how I'm feeling, but it seems that there's nothing I can really do other than make my decision to leave and miss out, or stay and suffer. Either way, I feel like I lose, but then I think to myself, what if all of this is wrong? What if, since the universe is forever, there's no right or wrong decision and I can leave if I want to? The thing is, I can hold myself in this place until my time comes to die because you achieving your destiny is ultimately in your hands. So it makes me wonder, if I stay, will I be wasting my time in trying to come into alignment when I just can't, and killing myself is the path of least resistance anyway? Because death is the only thing that's inevitable about physical life, so should it matter when? Not really if we're eternal, right? I have a lot of thoughts about this and I often don't feel like I could, or even should express them all.
Ok Lee, let's take a look at this. Let me ask you first off, if you've ever had a pet, like a cat or dog, or similar. If you have, then you've felt and experienced unconditional love, as they know no other way to live. We humans, on the other hand, are full of conditions. It's part of who we are. What you are dealing with on that level is an expectation. You've heard of this "unconditional love" and based on who told you and how they told you, you developed an expectation of experiencing it for yourself. You are frustrated that you haven't (not from a human, anyway) and you're wondering why you haven't.
The short answer is because, again with humans, there's no such animal. We all have conditions. Some more than others. A lot of things we're taught are indeed not true, such as this, and that falls perfectly into your next "dilemma". That of having to let go of what you thought was true, and then changing your beliefs to those things that are true. Each of us has to go through this, to a greater or lesser extent depending on who we learned these things from. The issue you're facing of not wanting to let go of the "incorrect" beliefs is more than just not wanting to shift into a new belief that may be a lie also, but one of fear of having to create a new belief system, which means creating a new you. You will still be you, just a better version of yourself.
With the idea of "thought creates reality", remember that everything in your life; all past experiences, feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc. are there because you created them to be there. Did you do so deliberately? The majority of the time, no you didn't. You didn't yet have the information that you are the creator, so you created from what is known as "default" mode. You created based on what you saw others creating. We all do this, until we learn how to do it for ourselves, without going into default mode.
If you say and feel you have a big purpose, then you have a big purpose. Your purpose is whatever you say it is. No one can give it to you but you. You decide what has meaning and purpose in your life. It doesn't matter what that is. The only criteria (and this goes for everything in life) is this: Does it feel good and does it work for you? If not, then adjust it until it does. So now, what scares you about this idea of having a big purpose? Remember this: Fear is always about loss, and it is never real. It is about what MAY happen, not about what IS happening.
Lastly, there is no "can't". You either do or you don't. Both of those are a choice, and again, you're free to make whatever choice you want. Just like you are free to express your thoughts here to whatever degree you feel comfortable in doing so. By writing down your thoughts, you give yourself the ability to read through them and decide how you truly feel about them, and whether or not those thoughts work for you and feel good. =)
Ross - Tolemac
I just want to say that PI has a policy about members who are suicidal or seem to be. We ask them not to post and give them information about getting professional help, especially because anyone can post here and give their personal but not professional opinion which may not be very helpful. That being said, while I strongly recommend that you get professional help ( you may already be doing that) that Tolemac is one of our long time and most experienced members and his coaching is top notch as can be seen right here. So, for now, carry on and my intention is that you experience and move in the direction or your happiest desires.
Sweetheart i think most humans (everyone?) has never totally experienced the joy unconditional love, and it's part of our experience as Tolemac underlined. As you already know about law of attraction you know we totally created our life so even the bad experiences and they have such powerful lessons inside, they make you INVINCIBLE. but you don't have to give up nor to want it all in a second cause healing is not an event but a process and you may have some good but also some bad days and moments in it. the first thing i'd do is to allow yourself to feel all that you feel inside because when we were emotionally abused we were not allowed to feel (and live) our truths and also to express them. and we were not allowed to express our sadness, our anger as well. so just stay with yourself, be present with yourself, take your time, and then take baby steps (they are more than enough cause the universe will do the big ones) to feel some relief - be in nature, be with animals, listen to some music, watch a great inspiring movie, talk with an intelligent compassionate person,read an amazing book, travel (with your soul or mind if you can not physically travel right now), whatever makes you feel good. little by little positive energy & colors will be back in your Soul and your dark thoughts will start having less power on you - until they will finally fade away. cause joy is your natural state and if you follow d sun (an idea, a pet, a celeb Lol whatever) the shadow will start to die. law of attraction can not work in d way we want if we still have some fears, doubts, pain inside yourself. if you want the internet can give you SO many free resources to overcome your pain & be finally emotionally free, as you deserve to be!!! i see suicide as an escape, i think you already know so much to give up my sweet soul.
here are some super great coaches that can truly help you to overcome toxic relationships/narcissistic abuse: Melanie Tonia Evans (her blog and videos are Amazing, here's her instagram also: https://www.instagram.com/melanietoniaevans/) Angie Atkinson (Queenbeing.com, Awesome videos), Meredith Miller (Innerintegration.com, she's super).
if you want to talk with someone you can write me PM whenever you like:
Be Unapologetically Yourself.
p.s. i have just sent you a PM honey.
here's a quote 4 you, hope it will make you feel better somehow:
"Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a 'hot mess' or having 'too many issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world."
Anthon St. Maarten
That's your impression. It's not that simple.
Indeed it is. I think you are in a rough place and everything feels difficult. Getting through what you are going through is hard. I won't pretend (hence I say my impression) that I completely understand because I'm not you and I don't. I feel like you want help since you have posted about your experience. I have not read through all the replies, but overall I see people reaching out to help, but only you can accept it. Probably not everything they say will click with you, but some of it you can help or you can adjust it to your situation.
I feel like in your situation "cute" messages won't really do the trick. It'd be like treating cancer with aspirin. If you choose to live, where would you like to see yourself in, let's say, a year?
I think I've been in a similar place for a long time. I thought about killing myself many times because I literally dreaded getting up every day because every single second was horrible psychological suffering for me. In fact...the only thing that ever stopped me from doing it was the fear that I would just have to relive this experience.
Even my sleep was filled with horrible nightmares. I didn't even know how I got this way...I didn't want to.
I'd read feel good articles or find some kind of hope that life could maybe change for me but a few seconds after reading it any good feeling would quickly dissipate.
Nobody could ever say I didn't try because I did everything that I could possible do to 'help' myself and change for the better until similar to you I felt as if I had exhausted all my resources.
I would have given anything to just wake up happy and at peace, but I'd been stuck in some kind of psychological torment that was on auto replay. Like that movie Groundhogs Day, but a truly dark and sinister version.
Truly even the hope of something better turned against me because it amplified my current distress. It wasn't even depression, but like my mind was just tormenting me to death.
I really don't have any great advice other than somebody who maybe understands a similar experience.
The only thing that has ever even came close to working for me was developing a deep acceptance of what was happening to me and not trying anything at all to change it , escape or interfere in what I was experiencing.
Sorry if this sounds too dark....I described it to a friend and said I felt like I was just continuously living in a nightmare that I could not wake up from.