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Some of you know that my youngest daughter passed away on December 13, 2008, of an "accidental" drug overdose, according to the coroner.  What you don't know, because I never told anyone, is that we had reasons to suspect foul play, but couldn't prove anything.

 

I'd only been involved with this forum since April of that year, still very much figuring things out, but I was okay with the accidental thing, and I could even have dealt with suicide -- she'd been in a lot of physical pain for many years, and I knew she was tired of it.

 

But the idea that someone may have killed her in cold blood in order to cash in on a life-insurance policy . . . well, that pissed me off like you just wouldn't believe.  And since there was no physical evidence -- only the KNOWING deep in our churning guts due to certain "coincidences" -- there was nothing I could do about it.  I was filled with an impotent fury that ate my lunch -- and my breakfast and my dinner and damn near everything else -- for almost an entire year while I plunged myself into Abe and Seth and Bashar and many others and screamed at the universe

 

"Damn you!  Make this make SENSE to me!"

 

I was able to channel a lot of this tempestuous energy into creative endeavors, but not all of it -- some still boiled over, and a few people standing too close got burned.  I regret it, but there's nothing I can do about that either -- it is what it is, and we are where we are.

 

Now I realize I should have sought out someone to talk to about it, but I didn't know who.  I couldn't tell my ex because the poor woman was already devastated, and I knew she'd worry about me up here all alone and in turmoil . . . so I couldn't tell the family or she'd hear about it from them.  And I didn't think I could talk to anyone here, because I was in no mood to be told how wonderful I should feel that she was gone back to Source.  I knew it intellectually, but couldn't feel it then.  No one who's never laid a child to rest can understand, especially one you believe was murdered -- because that feels like someone has taken from you something inexpressably precious and utterly irreplaceable.  And I pray that none of you ever arrive at this understanding.

 

I'm not telling you all this because I want your sympathy -- quite the contrary, I want you to rejoice with me that today I'm so far removed from that private little hell that, while I remember being there, I DON'T remember what being there felt like.  While I love Seth and Bashar for their detailed and scientific explanations, which taught me the "structure" and the mechanics, it was Esther's wonderfully soothing Abraham expressions that helped me get my capsized emotional ship righted once more.  Abe is without question the slickest soul-soothing salve to ever come into my life, and I've grown to love them dearly.  They are my "heroes" having rescued me . . . or perhaps I should say, having taught me how to rescue myself . . . from an abyss of sadness and pain.

 

Finally, I get it now, quite clearly, that it doesn't matter whether Tabby's demise was an accident, or suicide, or murder -- that she freely made this choice on some level at some point in her existence, and then magnetized the circumstances that would culminate in a relatively painless departure, at the time and place of her own choosing.  And I'm completely cool with that.  I'm now able to look at her pictures with joy instead of rage and sorrow, and I'm at peace knowing that all is well.

 

Because now I know that wherever she is, and whatever she's doing, it's all about HAPPY!  And happy is all I ever wanted for her in the first place.

 

THANK YOU, Abraham!  I love you!  I bless you!  And oh -- tell Tabby to keep right on bouncing on her mother's bed, until SHE gets it too!  :-)  Amen.

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you are so frikkin awesome!

Pat thank you so much for sharing your life here.
Thanks, Steve. It felt really good to get that out, and you know I love to share things that are meaningful to me, and this particular thing was major.
I can't imagine... don't even want to. My kids are so young and beautiful... to lose one, oh my God.

You're an amazing man Pat. Thank you for everything you helped me to learn.
No, it's a pain I wouldn't wish on my most hated enemy, if I had one, which I don't . . .

It's easy to be philosophical about death, until it hits you in this manner, and then all the intellectual abstractions go out the window as your emotions churn. At least at first, until the initial shock wears off, and you get acclimated to the sorrow.

If it hadn't been for Abe -- and of course, all my dear friends here as well, who kept me laughing and giving me new things to think about -- I'd probably still be a very angry, bitter, and vengeful man.
Never sympathy, Pat. Just plain admiration. It's such a pleasure to know you.

Love,
Daisy
Aww, thanks, Daisy! I love you right back!
Welcome to your new life Pat. You're gonna love it. =)
LOL! I already do, Ross! I already do. It feels wonderful!
I am really happy for you, Pat. I understand what you mean about Esther's soothing Abraham expressions. I was just thinking something similar today.
There's really nothing like it, is there? Especially when you're in a funk about something. Fortunately that happens less and less for me these days, and now I listen for the pure pleasure of hearing and knowing that I finally truly UNDERSTAND what they're talking about.
Pat

You're an inspiration - as well as just plain fun!

I hope that anyone who's having a tough time, thinking that life just sucks, finds this thread and realises that however much pain we're in, there's always someone who has been through worse and come out the other side to show us that there is always hope and there is always a way forward if we keep reaching.

I'm glad you are now as happy and as it peace as I know your daughter is.

Thank you.
And I thank YOU Daydream, I like the idea of being a Fun Inspirator . . . or something like that . . .

. . . anyway, I posted this also in the Abe group, just wanting to express my appreciation TO Abe since they and their teachings are the group's focus, and brought it here because I'm quite sure there will be someone drawn to it who will get some good out of it at some level . . . and when I'm not being a clown just trying to have fun, I do sincerely want to be helpful to others who may be struggling with something and need a boost.

Abe talks frequently about the idea that we can't know what we prefer if we don't first experience the unwanted, and as Bashar puts it (I'm paraphrasing), we're not inclined to seek the light until we've immersed ourselves in the darkness and grown weary of it, knowing then that we'd rather play a different game. And sometimes other people's choices bring us the darkness -- the unwanted -- and on the surface it seems unfair. But we have to remember that ON SOME LEVEL we have made collective agreements. Nothing -- and I mean NOTHING -- is ever done without mutual consent. It's all part of the game we chose to play before we came here.

Once you really UNDERSTAND this, you know that there really ARE NO SUCH THINGS as Oppression or Tyranny or Accidents or Murders, etc. because everything that happens has already been agreed to in some way -- everything about your physical experience is already well known to you before you arrive -- and it's just a matter of exploring the life theme you chose to explore. Not that it's already mapped out -- pre-destined -- but that you know the GENERAL thing you came to do, and the details are filled in as you go along making your choices and making your "mistakes" and shifting through your emotions and so on.

The reason some of us take so long to get this -- and some NEVER get it -- is because we don't remember having made this arrangement. And we don't remember because there would be no point in putting ourselves in this position if we did. It would be like knowing every detail -- every possible scenario and every possible play and every possible outcome -- of a football game before you ever dressed and hit the field.

Who would ever want to bother PLAYING that football game?

It would be no FUN! There would be no excitement -- no surprises -- NO ADVENTURE! And no contrast -- so no new preferences. It would be going through the motions for no logical reason -- and Oneself doesn't DO IL-logical, so . . . here we are, doing THIS thing, riding THIS roller-coaster in THIS amusement park, because this is where we CHOSE to be and we're doing what we CHOSE to do . . .

. . . and yadda-yadda-yadda . . . you know the drill.

So if there's one thing I would wish for other seekers -- other journey-fellows -- it would be for them to recognize and understand the simplicity of the design -- the method to the madness. It's really not complicated. It just seems that way because of the intricate PATTERNS of things. But it's really all just ONE THING -- ONE SELF -- expressing itself and experiencing itself in every possible way it can imagine. And we're all part of that imagining -- part of that eternal expansion -- what Abe calls "the leading edge" of Creation.

They also say it's not crowded out on the leading edge . . .

. . . and that's fine with me, 'cause I don't like crowds! :-) Love 'n' later . . .

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