This will be a large post. In times of despair, sadness and fear of losing something outside yourself, it is so good to remember that at that moment, you find that something inside yourself again.
This is from an old posting on the old Forum. A beautiful example of true help and insight at the right time...which is always. I read this many times over, just to keep focussing on myself and the love I feel is always there but sometimes...somewhere.
This is NOT my posting. It is from DNS. All honour goes to him, so does mine for through this writing he helps me still a lot. Wish I could tell him that someday.
Use it and fuse it.
"I've seen this question asked over and over on these boards:
"Can I Attract my Ex Back to me?"
The answer is YES! You can you attract an ex-lover back into your life.
I can tell you emphatically, that you can absolutely, positively, without a shadow of a doubt, attract an ex-lover to you again.
I know because I've done it. I'm living proof of this mysterious and miraculous phenomenon! (In reality, it is not mystifying or miraculous or any such thing). As a matter of fact, I have brought ex-girlfriends back into my life on several occasions). And I'm a regular guy. I'm no former underwear model by any stretch. I'm not a celebrity. Nor am I a millionaire (yet, that is, lol)
My problem has never been attracting exes back. It has been maintaining or developing the actual relationship following getting her back into my life. So, if maintaing it is your issue then this is not the thread for you. This is solely about step one: attracting him or her to you again.
I am currently dealing with this very situation as we speak with a particular ex. I can say that she has been the love of my life. I've attracted her back on several occasions even though she was the one who initially decided to end the relationship.
Now, when I say "I attracted her back", I don't mean the way it looks currently, and quite frankly, even the way it looks now isn't dim. But that would be misleading to all of you reading this. I am saying that she wanted to give the relationship another try, full steam ahead. But, I let my own reservations about moving forward take root. So, I dragged my feet a bit, because my trust in her was a bit shaken. And she drifted away again. And guess what? I attracted her back into my life again. I've done this with several exes. So this is not a unique case.
Currently, I've already attracted her back into my life. So, I'm past dealing with it in the same way which many of the members here are speaking. I just simply will not settle for the relationship in its currently state. I never advocate allowing yourself to be used. Believe me, people who truly are in love with you and truly want you in their lives will use you, if you let them.
I won't go into all of the gritty details of "my story", but I will tell you this much: for you heartsick people out there who think "his situation is not like mine" let me tell you right now…you're absolutely correct. It wasn't as bad as yours.
IT WAS WAYYYY WORSE! LOL!
At its lowest point, this woman and I pretty much said it ALL to each other; insults, arguments, accusations, curse words, hurtful things, etc. After the break up there were other romantic interests involved, etc. It was nasty. I would try to reason with her and ask her why we couldn't be together (basically, and I admit this with no shame, that I begged, and pleaded with her; and completely lost this woman's respect in the process). I mean, she was GONE. She wouldn't communicate with me.
I heard it all.
* "I DO NOT LOVE YOU"
* "I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR YOU"
* "I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU"
* "I CAN NEVER SEE ME EVER FEELING THAT WAY FOR YOU"
* "WE WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER AGAIN"
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, YADDA, YADDA, YADDA…LOL!
And then, there were the silent times when I heard nothing from her, at all.
And was I hurt? Hurt doesn't BEGIN to describe the pain I felt. I was crushed, depressed, and devastated. I was a shell of my former self. Getting out of bed in the morning required a Herculean effort.
But that was before I knew how to use apply the Law of Attraction CORRECTLY in these matters.
(And I tell you this; all of that pain you are feeling is of YOUR OWN CREATION. You have to take responsibility for that if you want any shot of having another chance with your former lover!)
So, I tell you this so you can know that I've been where many of you are at right now. Matter of fact, I've been lower. And I still attracted her back.
Remember the things I told you she said so long ago that indicated there was no hope? It meant nothing. As little as a month ago she admitted that she still was in love with me. And this wasn't the first time she told me she loved me. I've been told this several times in the past despite what she originally said about her lack of feelings or love for me. She has even asked me to spend time with her on several occasions in recent weeks. I agreed the first couple of times. But have declined these opportunities lately because they set a bad precedent. (Don't allow yourself to be used!)
See, at this point, the attraction has been re-established. The relationship, in purest terms, is there. The fellowship is not there yet though. And that has to be established by showing self-control and self-respect. But I know that the Universe is taking care of all that for me. So, I don't concern myself with it.
So, for me, it's not about attracting the ex back. Now, keeping or fully developing the rekindled attraction, or relationship…well, maybe Dr. Phil can help me figure that out!
HOW DID I DO IT?
But, how did I attract her back the first time when I had clearly behaved so needy, and insecure? Well, I placed the focus on me.
A lot, not all, but many of the posts I've read here on this topic are really approaching it the wrong way so I've broken it down into five, easier to read parts:
***PART 1: WHY PEOPLE SAY IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO USE THE LAW THIS WAY?***
Well, one thing I've learned is that the Law of Attraction is never wrong. When a person is hoping and asking for one particular person back, he is really operating out of fear. He is afraid to let go. He fears that he has lost something. When his lover left, he mistakenly believed that Love left too. As a result, he becomes sad, fearful, needy, insecure, clingy, and desperate. Then he hears about this wonderful thing called the "Law of Attraction" or "Universal Law" and instead of applying properly, he applies it to the fearful delusion. The Law then gives you what you most feared instead of what you really wanted.
The point is that if you continue to act like that person is your happiness, the source of your love, and that you will not find love unless it is with them, then stop now and recalibrate. Because you've already guaranteed yourself failure.
If the only time you feel truly happy is when you imagine them back in your arms, then STOP and RECALIBRATE! Because, you are applying the Law in a manner that will guarantee them moving further away from you. That's not to say that you can't feel happy when you imagine him or her in your life again. Not at all. It just cannot be the ONLY thought that brings you happiness.
(Interesting Note: Ever notice how simply imagining your former lover back with you can give you a sense of elation or happiness? This happens even though they're not currently with you. That's the whole point. It was never them that made you happy in the first place. It was you the entire time. Otherwise, the mere thought wouldn't change your mood!)
You must begin to use the Law to improve YOU. You must use the Law to attract the things, people, situations, qualities and traits that will make you a better, complete person again. This will INFLUENCE, not manipulate, but INFLUENCE your former lover to CHOOSE to feel that attraction again.
I read one post that said "if your ex knew you were doing these things to get them back, how would they feel?" Would they be more attracted to you?
Ask yourself, would you be more attracted to a person you ended a relationship with if you knew they were doing all this to get you back? I doubt it. It would come across as the most desperate, pathetic, needy display of self-loathing you had ever seen. It would push you further away.
The real secret to sparking the return of a lost love is to realize that, usually, when we focus on retrieving a lost lover, we are focusing our attention on retrieving the wrong person. It's not your former lover who is lost…it is YOU!
The Law oftentimes works against what we think we want in these matters, because we are focusing our energy in the wrong direction. This creates a pushing or repelling sensation instead of a pulling or "attracting" one.
***PART 2: WHAT ABOUT YOUR EX'S RIGHT TO FREE WILL?***
A lot of posts seem to be overly concerned with the Free Will thinga-ma-bob.
Yes, free will exists. Yes, your ex has free will. GASP! That really shouldn't be a news flash! You really think you're going to overpower your ex's God-given right of free will just because the LOA says you can have anything you want? Umm…if it were that clear-cut, you'd have them already.
FREE WILL DOES NOT NEGATE THE LAW OF ATTRACTION!!!
It's simply puts into effect what I would call a different condition of the Law. For instance, in physics, it is shown that gravity affects all object the same in a vacuum. But when you add atmosphere, gravity appears to work differently on objects of different mass. In truth, it doesn't. It's working the same. There are just other forces at work that you didn't take into account. It's the same with the Law of Attraction. It's still working even when the will of another independent free agent is at work. You just aren't accounting for those other forces.
When using the Law with people, we must understand that it all about influencing that person to freely exercise their will to be attracted to you. You never want to override someone's power of free will. To do so would be the antithesis of love. Instead, you want to evolve into a version of yourself that would powerfully influence your ex-lover to CHOOSE to see the attractive qualities in you again. This means focusing on YOU! NOT THEM!
***PART 3: TAKE THEM OFF THAT DARN PEDESTAL!***
Your ex is not special. I mean, they are, but only in the same way you are. They're not granted with some special power that the rest of us don't have. They go to the bathroom just like you. They have regular bodily functions they tend to daily, just like you. Despite how beautiful you think she is my friend, give her a couple of days with no deodorant, and she'd stink to high heaven!
The point I'm trying to make is that he or she is just a flesh and blood human being. Honestly, they resent the pedestal upon which you've placed them. You gave them a place in your life they never wanted; the place of YOU! You should be the only one on the pedestal of your life, period!
Consider this: the only human relationship where it is acceptable for one to be dependent and needy is the parent-child relationship. That's it. As children, we are dependent on our parents as we transition to adulthood; then they become dependent on us as they transition from this life. No other relationship has this grace with it.
Your ex is human. The law of attraction works on them like it would anybody else. Take the halo from around their head. Believe me, they'll appreciate it.
So, next time you catch yourself sitting around and thinking about them, that's a sign that you're NOT focusing on YOU! You're putting him or her on the pedestal again. When that happens, put that thought in check and get back to the business of taking care of you and let the Universe, or Infinite Intelligence, or God work on them.
***PART 4: WHAT DO I SAY TO MYSELF?***
The answer to this is so simple that it eludes most people going through this. You don't ask for the person to want you despite their own desires…you simply ask to become the kind of person they would happily, and freely, choose to be with!
You could even say something like this:
"I am fully and passionately in love with ME, first and foremost! Thank you that I am already complete and whole, in and of myself. I am so full of self-love because I have cared for myself and my own needs to such a degree that I can now send unconditional love to. .......
Even though I may not consciously know how, I thank you for transforming me into a person that ........ would happily choose to feel intense attraction to. Thank you for helping me become what I desire most: the best person ....... and people like her could choose to be with.
I say with total complete gratitude that I am not only the strong, independent, carefree, fun, and loving person that I was the first time I attracted ....... to me, but even more so! I possess within myself the positive and healthy traits that ......... would be happy to freely choose to align herself with of her own Free Will. I am grateful that you have created an opportunity that will allow ........... to see me with eyes that see no shortcomings, and a heart that holds no hurt from the past.
I also know that in asking this, I am becoming a person who will attract many people to whom I am likewise attracted. And I feel great because I am no longer bound to the oppressive, self-deceiving illusion of neediness and longing, as it pertains to another person's affections for me. I now know that it is not about that person, but about myself and I am fully and passionately in love with me first and foremost! Thank You!"
See? What's wrong with that?
***PART 5: IN CONCLUSION***
When you decide that you are going to feel badly all day, will that attract your ex back? Is that the person your ex wants? If you really think about it, the reason we are afraid to let go of old lovers is NOT because we are afraid of them wanting someone else. No, usually it is because we are afraid of losing OUR feelings for them. That's how much the human brain loves being in love!
So, the point is to focus on you! That's what people are attracted to! They don't want someone who would sit, and plot, and plan, and scheme, and wonder, and worry, and hope, and wish, and long, and pine for them. It's quite the opposite! People are attracted to lovers who are self-confident, who know themselves, who are independent, strong-minded, and FUN! When you're sitting around moping over your ex, you're not having any fun!
If you're in therapy over your ex, then it's not about getting your ex back. It's about getting YOU back. If you need to take drugs because your ex left you, then it's not about the ex. It's about YOU. Now don't get me wrong, If you've been prescribed medication TAKE YOUR MEDICATION! Just realize that the best part about all of this is, if it's about you then that means YOU can fix it!
So, improve yourself. Work on yourself. Love yourself! This is what attracts him or her back to you! People have natural chemistries. You and your ex obviously possessed a natural chemistry. It doesn't matter how far apart you keep sodium (Na) from chloride (Cl) the instant they are close enough to each other, they WILL form salt (NaCl), period! Same for you and your ex if you get back on track. So make it about you starting NOW!
It is not right to behave as if you are with someone when you are not. Refusing to date others because you want your ex to know you’re available is NOT right. It is putting your ex on a pedestal. That is not the way to move forward, demonstrate independence, or make yourself happy. Remember, when trying to attract a former lover, you are trying to INFLUENCE. Your ex will simply know that she can do whatever she pleases, however she pleases if she sees you’re not moving on. Also, that will make her more hesitant to be comfortable with you because it will appear as if you’re not over the relationship. Not dating is actually counterproductive to all of your goals, both in terms of you ex and your own future.
When other women show interest in you, it sends a strong biological signal to your ex that you are desirable to other women. She’ll wonder if something about you is new. But you shouldn’t start dating to try to make her jealous. You should be dating because you’re trying to move on and regain the emotional control and power over your own life and well-being that you previously had.
Remenber, Miquel…IT’S NOT ABOUT HER!!! IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!!
Do dating other women is always acceptable, as long as you are hones with them. And honest with yourself. Let them know that you’re not looking for anything serious, at this time.
Ask for what I do? Well, I don’t know if I’ve ever been asked like that, lol. Really, I just try my best to focus on myself. I exercise. I focus on my goals, I immerse myself in my hobbies. I immediately put myself in situations where I’m around women (for men, this is HIGHLY therapeutic!). for men, you must realize that you’re a pursuer by nature. Get your mind to see other attractive, suitable women. Of course, it doesn’t replace her. But it does take the edge off a bit. And in these types of things, you need every mental break you can get.
But to reiterate, I simply turn the focus inward to me. Whenever I found myself missing her, I would immediately say “that’s putting her on the pedestal. I AM on the pedestal of my life! And that will never change!” And I go back to doing the things that are important to me.
Now, unless I did something inherently wrong, or hurtful, I do not call. I absolutely do not chase. I will write a letter if need be, but that’s it. Now, if you actually did something wrong, then of course, apologize. But that’s all. And I admit, that this is the “hard part”. As Robert DeNIro said to Al Pacino in “Heat”; “that’s the discipline!”
See, when you chase you send a message to that person saying “I do not respect your right to choose what is best for you. Being with you is a prison from which you can never escape.” See, Miquel, it wouldn’t matter to a person if a relationship with someone meant whey lived in a beautiful palace with chefs, maidservants and the finest of everything. If that person felt they could never leave the palace, even for just a walk, they would resent it. It would become a golden prison. Don’t make being with you a prison. Let her know that she can leave whenever she wants, and you will be FINE. And then do just that! Go on and be fine. Remember we are trying to INFLUENCE.
If I ever doubt myself, or start worrying that she really is gone I just speak to my fear like it’s a child. I don’t ingnore it, or scold it. I used to do this and it just made the “little me”(i.e. the fears and doubts) scream louder to be heard. Instead I just say “it’s okay, don’t worry about it. Everything will be just fine. And I put my mind on a mental picture of me being extremely happy and doing well and her calling me to say that she misses me and loves me” and it happens.
In my original post I wrote a section about why so many people have trouble correctly applying the Law in the area of winning the affection of a specific person, or an ex. I also wrote a basic script of what one can say that positions them to attract back their ex, while not making dependent on their ex and not violating someone else's free will.
Recreating attraction in an ex-lover is a rather easy thing to do, in and of itself. It really comes down to just being yourself. But, the reason why it doesn't work for most people is that they're so emotionally powerless during the breakup period that act exactly the opposite of themselves.
See, one thing I've seen on this board and boards like them, is that too many people here are trying to micro-manage, control, or over-analyze the process. In some other arena, it would be the use of manipulation. Others play head-games with their exes. Here, people try to use the law of attraction. But a lot of them are not "truly" using it!
If someone was truly using the LoA to get a lover back, they wouldn't:
* Obsess about it
* Talk about it ad infinitum
* Worry about what their ex was doing or not doing
* Be sad or depressed or despondent.
Someone perfectly using the Law would be happy, and expectant. They would move on with their life with no concern that their former lover would eventually return. That person would even be capable of loving someone else, because he would understand that his ability to love and feel love is his and his alone. THAT person would get his ex back or someone even better. No question about it.
This is truly the most important and foundational rule of retrieving one's ex:
RULE 1: "To attract one's ex-lover back, one must first apply the Law of Attraction to one's own self"
Yeah, that's where most people get off the ride. Because that means I have to work on myself. We want our exes to do the heavy lifting for us. Doesn't work that way.
UGLY TRUTH 1: Most people trying to get their ex back are actually in no condition whatsoever to truly attract their ex back to them. They then try to use the law of attraction as a tool of manipulation and exercising control over another person, or a situation that in the end has no bearing at all on the actual problem.
UGLY TRUTH 2: For a person to even want their ex-lover back is a feeling based in fear, neediness and insecurity. You are stating to the Universe that you need this person to feel happiness, joy, love, or validation. The Law of Attraction sees through motivations. Just because a person is able to lie to himself and others does not mean he is capable of lying to the Law, itself. Instead, want YOU back! Your ex will follow.
UGLY TRUTH 3: When you want an ex back, what you are saying is "I don't want to be responsible for my own happiness. It is too hard and difficult for me to do. So, please, can you just do this job for me by being my lover again? Can you please be the god of my life? Because I don't want to do it myself."
HOW DARE I ASK THAT OF SOMEONE ELSE!?!?
Making someone else responsible for my happiness is the most selfish, cowardly, and unloving thing I can do. Not only do they have to be responsible for their happiness, but now they have to be responsible for mine, as well?
Would you want that responsibility in your life?
But's here the really sinister part...you want to know what really hinders many people's attempts to get their ex-lovers back?
THEY HAVE GIVEN THEIR POWER, WILL, OR INDEPENDENCE TO THEIR EXES!
If you have placed your ex on a pedestal, above even your own needs and happiness. Then you have willfully GIVEN YOUR POWER TO YOUR EX. And if you say otherwise, you're kidding yourself. Because if you hadn't, they would not be able to determine your happiness by choosing to either be with you or not!
So, what frequency does the Law of Attraction pick up, as a result? "This person has subordinated him or herself to their ex-lover." Since your power BELONGS TO YOUR EX, the Law respects THEIR WISH and not yours on the matter!
The Law of Attraction is NEVER WRONG! It is simply doing what is told! That is why it is always best in matters of attracting a new lover, or your former lover to, first and foremost, RECLAIM YOUR POWER FROM YOUR EX!
The BEST way to get your ex back is to; a) focus on getting yourself centered, and b) being a stronger and better person than you were before who is no longer affected by their exes' actions or feelings. Once this happens you WILL be an independent agent of free will again and the Law of Attraction will be better able to serve you.
Right now, who's WILL is stronger in this matter between you and your ex? I guarantee it's your ex's! Why? Because they're not in fear. They don't feel helpless, or powerless, or depressed. They are in possession of your ENERGY!
It's been said time and time again throughout history that the only way to really get your ex-lover back is to MOVE ON & GET OVER THEM! You MUST get over them first. Why is that?
Because you don't want the SAME relationship you had with your ex, do you? That relationship didn't end all to well, right? You want a NEW relationship with your former lover.
RULE 2: To get a NEW relationship with your ex, you must LET GO of the OLD relationship.
To do so, you must reclaim that power you gave to them. That means COMPLETELY MOVING ON AND LEAVING THEM BE! Then, and only then, can you make a powerful wish to the Universe that will attract many, including your ex back into your life!
REMEMBER: TAKE YOUR POWER BACK FROM THEM FIRST! WITHOUT THAT POWER, THE LAW OF ATTRACTION CANNOT TRULY SERVE YOU!
....There's this old saying "people respond in kind". It means that people will respond to you according to the manner in which you approached them. So, when you're around her, if you act like you're fine with everything, then she will treat you as if you're fine with everything. But if you show signs that you still long for the relationship, then she will treat you that way by putting more space and distance between you.
So, in your case, you still need time apart. We forget often that our exes need to get the old relationship out of their system, too. So, sometimes it's just best to let time wash some of the old things away. Remember, human beings are "self-healing" in nature. The more time passes, the more old wounds and hurts fade away. You see sometimes when an abusive, alcoholic parent passes away and years later the children will say "he had some issues, but he was a good guy underneath it all". Time is a miracle worker.
I would suggest you do the following:
1) WRITE A LETTER
Write a letter telling her that you apologize for what you did wrong during the relationship and that you put the responsibility of your happiness on her shoulders and that was unfair. Don't tell about your feelings. Just let her know that you care about her and only want the very best for her.
2) GET LOST! Do not contact your ex for any reason whatsoever for a minimum of 3 months.
During this no-contact period, the goal is to focus completely on yourself. Honestly, you would greatly improve your chances by giving it 6 months to a full year, but 3 months is the minimum. You want her to entirely forget about the "old" you. YOU want to entirely forget the old you, too. Only speak to her when she calls you and keep it brief. She'll get the picture. And she'll respect you for it.
Remember, relationships are supposed to be fun and light-hearted with a little bit of challenge and mystery thrown in. Silence creates mystery. So, Date. Doesn't have to be anything serious. But date.
3) EXERCISE 30 MINS - 1 HOUR, 5-6 TIMES A WEEK:
Let me tell you, unless you're already in good shape, NOTHING says to an ex "I've changed" more than a good looking body. Exercise does something for the self-esteem that is indescribable. I think exercise is probably the purest form of self-love that you can bestow upon yourself. It is literally you taking care of you.
Also try a new "look" (I don't know how your finances are, but it doesn't have to be radical or expensive, just different).
4) PROVE TO YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN MOVE ON.
This is where so many people get stuck. Your brain still remembers the neural pathways associated with a particular person. So, trust me, even when you have completely moved on, you will still be able to fall right back in love with that person again, when the time hits.
Proving to yourself that you can move past the loss of this relationship is critical to your future chances of reconciliation. If you prove to yourself you can let it go, then your self-esteem will skyrocket and you'll always be confident in your ability to control your emotions with your ex. Also, your ex will notice that they no longer hold sway over you as they once did.
Guess what that means? Once you fully reclaim your power from your ex, you create the perfect setting for the game to start again. You are basically telling her "betcha can't do it again".
SIDE NOTE: I know it's a total "guy" flick but if you've never seen Rocky III with Mr. T, then I suggest you do. I'm 100% serious! Rocky III uses boxing as a metaphor for the ups and downs of romantic relationships. Mr. T (I pity the fool!) plays this totally ferocious, badass boxer named "Clubber Lang". Clubber Lang totally demolishes Rocky in their first fight taking his title, and his pride with it.
Did Rocky beg Clubber to give him his title back? Nope! Did Rocky try to explain and reason with Clubber Lang why he should have taken it easier on him in the fight? Nope. If Rocky wanted his pride and his belt back, he was gonna have get it the old-fashioned way and TAKE IT! And he did just that.
5) AFTER YOU'VE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED ALL OF THIS, GIVE HER A CALL AND SUGGEST LUNCH OR COFFEE.
After all this time has passed, the old relationship will be completely under the bridge. You can call her and just say "Hey, I was just thinking about you and decided to give you a call to see how you've been. Let's catch up over coffee sometime. I'm usually at the Starbucks on the corner of XYZ and 123 Street on Saturdays around noon. It'd be great to see you if you can make it."
Notice how I didn't tell you to ask her to you? You don't need her approval. You're basically saying to her "It's been a while, and I thought about you. I consider you a friend. I go to this particular place at this particular time, on this particular day. If you're free that day, you can meet me there. If not, that's fine, I'll still be there with something to do."
Because there has been no real animosity between the two of you, this should really not pose a problem for her. After this much time, and after all of the work you've done to move past the old relationship, you'll be able to be in her presence with no dilution of your personal power whatsoever. She will feel no pushing from you. This will attract her to you even more because she no longer needs to keep her guard up with you. You will be in charge of your life once more. She'll see how fit you look and feel a physical attraction. She will sense how happy and confident you are and she will respect that.
Keep the conversation focused on her. She'll be able to look at you and see that you're active in other things.
6) CONGRATULATE YOURSELF. YOU JUST HAD YOUR FIRST DATE WITH YOUR EX (who, by the way, thinks you look hot!)"