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Can't stop... it's like a neverending song...

The more I try to break out of it, the more it seems to envelop me. Living in my own fantasy world, I mean. Wearing the ideal clothes (I got a million outfits all planned out, all those drawings gathered in my personal folder) but reverting to a simple black velour babydoll dress if I don't want to be too fancy, in the perfect body, with my perfect guy. Living AWAY FAR FAR FAR AWAY from my parents, in the perfect cute little house (I don't want a fancy-ass mansion, that'd be too hard to take care off), jobs and careers and grades are no longer worries and are a thing of the past, and our friends live close to us so we can both have fun with our individual groups of friends whenever we need to...

Damn, I really am obsessed with this guy.

Things between us two seem to be getting better and better every day... I think he really likes me. But him and my friends are really the only things I live for right now. My friends give me that much-needed voice of advice, just any voice to talk to, short reprieves of time away from the reality I hate. I hate school. I hate working. I hate the situation with my parents (controlling sadistic mother, STUPID utterly DUMB nitwitted spineless stepfather, well spineless when he's not fighting with ME, I mean I'm smaller and a kid, I'm easier to pick on...). I hate moving, physical activity in general. I hate thinking, I want to turn off my brain. I hate this room, I didn't have a say in how it was built... all these little things that shouldn't matter, all these little things, memories from the past, unresolved conflicts, broken promises, hurt feelings, not forgiving, vindictiveness... it all adds up into something powerful and negative and spiraling out of control. Honestly, it weren't for my friends and my grandparents (I love them dearly, but their health is failing which in turn affects their mental condition which in turn makes them act like they normally wouldn't, which saddens me greatly...) and that guy I like who likes me back but I just don't know to what extent, if it weren't for all of them, I would have ended it all already. Who needs this? I don't need this. I don't have to stay here and no one can make me, though often I wish people would try (effectively try, that is). If I can't be happy, then I'm unfit to live in this world. If I'm just going to be tortured as long as I live, then sorry, I'd rather drop the script on the floor and walk off of the stage.

Agh, off on a tangent again. Anyway, I really like this guy. He's sweet, kind, intelligent, respects women... and I think of him as mature, considering he's like 2 years younger than me! Ahhh... and then it's off to dreamworld again. I really don't like my reality, I don't like to live it. If I could, I would hit the pause button and stay in dreamworld forever.

I'm rereading Abe Hicks... finding a couple of things I did wrong before... again, I'm reminded of why I love their work so much... it all rings so true, deep inside of me, and yet... unlike last time, I can't put down the book feeling ecstatic and happy and positive and everything. This time I put it down worried, thinking I'll never pull off what they say I'm truly capable off in this book. It all seems so far away. They introduce a beautiful world not that far from my own imaginary one, and I'm afraid it's just out of my reach. I'm a very depressive person. I'm often floundering for a "better thought", and often I fail. And even when I think I've succeeded, the deep feelings of despair, fear, frustration, etc. welling up deep inside tell me that I really haven't changed anything, no matter how much I want to or struggle to.

What was I talking about again?

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Comment by et on March 27, 2009 at 1:08pm
Hi Kara. You were on my mind last night, and as I was reading Seth's The Nature of Personal Reality, I came across a section that I thought I should share with you.... now, he's using "loneliness" as an example. Insert your own particular re-occurring emotion as you see it fits:

Which you? Which world? If you are lonely it is because you believe in your loneliness in this present point that you acknowledge as time. From what seems to be the past you draw only those memories that reinforce your condition, and you project those into the future. Physically, you are overwhelming your body as it responds to a state of loneliness through chemical and hormonal reactions. You are also denying your own point of action within the present.

"Vitamins, better food, medical attention, may temporarily rejuvenate the body, but unless you change your beliefs it will quickly become swamped again by your feelings of depression. In such a case you must realize that you make your own loneliness, and resolve to change through both thought and action. Action is thought in physical motion, outwardly perceived."

Seth has a different "tone" than Abraham, however, I do believe this particular book may help you.

I don't know what the weather is like where you are at right now, however, again I'd like to suggest that you take a walk. Make it a "conscious" effort. Put on some good walking shoes. When you take a walk, don't think about "everything," but rather, live in the moment. Be aware. Look around you. Feel the wind. Listen to the birds. I suggest this only so that you perhaps can "stop" and "live" and that never-ending song can change its tune.

Good luck!
Comment by et on March 26, 2009 at 10:30pm
Kara, it's ok. Keep reading, and then read some more. Try to do some exercises... go for a walk (even if you don't like to move). Do something that you normally wouldn't do. And just take it moment by moment.

I'm sorry you feel stuck. You're not, really. You need to look out of the box (the home).

And just another word of advice... don't be "obsessed" with this guy. Like him, a lot... but watch the obsession thing.

I hope you find hope, Kara. There is hope for change and happiness.

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