The more I try to break out of it, the more it seems to envelop me. Living in my own fantasy world, I mean. Wearing the ideal clothes (I got a million outfits all planned out, all those drawings gathered in my personal folder) but reverting to a simple black velour babydoll dress if I don't want to be too fancy, in the perfect body, with my perfect guy. Living AWAY FAR FAR FAR AWAY from my parents, in the perfect cute little house (I don't want a fancy-ass mansion, that'd be too hard to take care off), jobs and careers and grades are no longer worries and are a thing of the past, and our friends live close to us so we can both have fun with our individual groups of friends whenever we need to...
Damn, I really am obsessed with this guy.
Things between us two seem to be getting better and better every day... I think he really likes me. But him and my friends are really the only things I live for right now. My friends give me that much-needed voice of advice, just any voice to talk to, short reprieves of time away from the reality I hate. I hate school. I hate working. I hate the situation with my parents (controlling sadistic mother, STUPID utterly DUMB nitwitted spineless stepfather, well spineless when he's not fighting with ME, I mean I'm smaller and a kid, I'm easier to pick on...). I hate moving, physical activity in general. I hate thinking, I want to turn off my brain. I hate this room, I didn't have a say in how it was built... all these little things that shouldn't matter, all these little things, memories from the past, unresolved conflicts, broken promises, hurt feelings, not forgiving, vindictiveness... it all adds up into something powerful and negative and spiraling out of control. Honestly, it weren't for my friends and my grandparents (I love them dearly, but their health is failing which in turn affects their mental condition which in turn makes them act like they normally wouldn't, which saddens me greatly...) and that guy I like who likes me back but I just don't know to what extent, if it weren't for all of them, I would have ended it all already. Who needs this? I don't need this. I don't have to stay here and no one can make me, though often I wish people would try (effectively try, that is). If I can't be happy, then I'm unfit to live in this world. If I'm just going to be tortured as long as I live, then sorry, I'd rather drop the script on the floor and walk off of the stage.
Agh, off on a tangent again. Anyway, I really like this guy. He's sweet, kind, intelligent, respects women... and I think of him as mature, considering he's like 2 years younger than me! Ahhh... and then it's off to dreamworld again. I really don't like my reality, I don't like to live it. If I could, I would hit the pause button and stay in dreamworld forever.
I'm rereading Abe Hicks... finding a couple of things I did wrong before... again, I'm reminded of why I love their work so much... it all rings so true, deep inside of me, and yet... unlike last time, I can't put down the book feeling ecstatic and happy and positive and everything. This time I put it down worried, thinking I'll never pull off what they say I'm truly capable off in this book. It all seems so far away. They introduce a beautiful world not that far from my own imaginary one, and I'm afraid it's just out of my reach. I'm a very depressive person. I'm often floundering for a "better thought", and often I fail. And even when I think I've succeeded, the deep feelings of despair, fear, frustration, etc. welling up deep inside tell me that I really haven't changed anything, no matter how much I want to or struggle to.
What was I talking about again?