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Most people go about forgiveness backwards. They focus in the wrong area and they never are able to forgive another. Here's how to forgive someone the right way.
What happens when you've been wronged by another and you want to move on? How do you let it go - get on with your life - and make sure it doesn't happen again?
The short answer is that you forgive yourself for even having them in your life in the first place - so you don't have to continue to carry the burden around and so that you *don't repeat the same experience* - either with this person or another one.
You forgive yourself for ALLOWING it to happen - not for CAUSING it to happen.
Right now you may be in some sort of a mental prison. There may be a lot of resentment and other similar feelings. And what you're feeling now - the bitterness, the resentment, the anger, the hurt; WILL influence your future relationships. Bitterness only leads to more bitterness. Hurt leads to more hurt.
Forgiveness is a way to clear out those old feelings from the past so you will be better able to believe in yourself and trust yourself. Not to mention you will be wiser and more perceptive!
But are you responsible for what they did? No, absolutely not. You don't forgive yourself to make them 'not guilty'.
You created your reality and they created theirs. And the realities overlapped.
A cheater is basically that way before you meet them. A betrayer is a betrayer before they come into your life. And a punisher would just be punishing someone else if you weren't around.
The question is - why did I attract someone like this into my life? Of course you didn't KNOW they would cheat or betray or punish you when you first met them. But then, maybe there were little hints and clues you ignored. I don't know.
The point is, you allowed it to happen, at least on some level. That 'allowing' is your responsibility; something you CAN forgive yourself for.
The value of forgiving yourself is - first of all, it's empowering to accept responsibility for YOUR contribution. Yes, I understand you were wronged. They engaged in hurtful behavior that was unjustified.
By forgiving yourself, you don't say their behavior was acceptable. On some level, they must still 'pay' for what they did. But that's not your business. (I understand many try to make it their business!)
But you would be much more productive by dealing with YOUR contribution to these events. And not worrying about their contribution.
"They'll get theirs."
But look at the damage it does to YOU by not forgiving yourself. Maybe you don't believe in yourself anymore. Maybe you don't trust yourself to make good decisions. Maybe your self-confidence is lacking. Maybe you're carrying around a ton of pain.
And I would guess many other problems as well have come up because you've been wronged. Forgiving yourself can heal the damage they caused. Also, you don't let someone 'off the hook' by forgiving yourself for what they did.
YOU LET *YOU* OFF THE HOOK BY FORGIVING YOURSELF.
Sorry to shout, but I want to make that point clear. By forgiving yourself, you empower yourself. You free yourself from your own private prison of pain.
Here's the bottom line: You can never truly and completely forgive another until you have first forgiven yourself. That's why so many people stay stuck in a lack of forgiveness.
Of course you need to forgive the other person to truly be free yourself.
But it starts with learning How To Forgive Yourself FIRST.
If you can't forgive yourself, you'll never forgive someone else. Here's how: http://www.forgive-yourself.com



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