Powerful Intentions: Law of Attraction Community

Powerful Intentions is a unique Law of Attraction Online Community

I was crying so much today. Over the dumbest most selfish thing.

A long time ago, someone promised me that I could have anything I wanted if I was willing to believe I could attain it. They promised me I didn't have to starve, or to even restrict or do anything special to stay thin or whatever size I wanted to be. They pointed to naturally thin people who eat everything, and said there's no reason I couldn't have the same. I believed them.

Then I read Abraham Hicks a couple of months ago. I loved that book. It became my own personal Bible of sorts. Hicks promised the exact same thing, by the way. He said if we raise our vibration to that of a skinny person by believing it, it doesn't matter what kind of food we feed our body, it will adapt. I believed them too.

I've been doing this skinny visualizing thing forever now. I meditate on it, watch any Youtube videos that reinforce the positive message, did the 17/68 second visualization thing, imagine myself skinny, don't hold back on anything that I used to restrict before (I average around 1500-700 cal. a day, without physical exercise.). I felt "skinny" so much I could TASTE it. I could swear, for those moments, that I was a size zero happily running through glorious fields of sunshine, free at last. I'm only a teenager anyway, shouldn't I need all those calories? It was only yesterday that I was a slender ten year old, and I'm already almost into adulthood.

Today, my mother was insulting my body and fat (the usual) and that the reason I can't fit into more than half my clothes is because I gain too quickly for her to buy my size (I'm a US 12-13 size now at 5'7) and when she told me I'm nowhere close to fitting into the same clothes I wore a year ago, I just broke down and started crying. I knew I had gained, deep down, but the law of attraction says we attract what we focus on, so for two months I tried not to focus on the piling pounds and just to "think thin", and now I have 15 extra pounds that throw me into the "overweight" range, and I'm crying so hard. Not cuz of the abuse. But just because, where did all my beliefs and visualizations go? I sincerely believed, with all my heart, that the food wasn't becoming fat because I could control where it was going. It's not that much to ask for, it's not an insane thing to want, I just want the freedom. I never wanted to pig out intentionally, I just wanted to be assured of the freedom to do so. A lot of people have this, why can't I? I felt so betrayed, at that moment. Like a devout religious fanatic discovering her religion crashing down on her. I don't know, I thought God didn't want people to suffer. Hicks said we're here to have fun and enjoy ourselves, and I don't see why not. But it looks like God doesn't want to be thin, he wants me to struggle with my body and hate myself and bawl like a little bitch about this every single night. He wants me to struggle. He likes to see me suffer. He thinks I don't deserve to have what I want.

I had an eating disorder once, a year ago. Not full blown anorexia/bulimia, I got to my senses before it took over completely. I never thought I'd go back to that place. I guess it never went away. I guess somewhere beneath the surface it's been there all-along. Was I really so foolish as to think the law of attraction could save me? I flat-out refuse to conform to a life of organic raw greens and water and one hour of cardio each day. It's either a free for all, or nothing. I don't mean to be dramatic or spoiled but Hicks, along with many other people, PROMISED me I didn't have to go through all this, which I consider suffering because it was never my choice in the first place!!! I hate being told I don't have a choice. Refusing to eat is my choice, eating green is something beyond my choices

I have a history with food as well. When I was really young, like 2-8 years old, there was never any food in my house and I was always hungry. Maybe that's why I was so thin that people had to comment on it. I remember eating whatever and whenever I wanted, but I guess that can't be true because (and I'm not the only one who feels this, my grandparents both confirm it) there wasn't always food lying around. I remember how I wrapped up food from school lunch like chicken or whatever in napkins, stuffed it under my shirt, and snuck it out of school (our bookbags were all locked up.) So why can't I have the freedom to eat anything I want now that we actually have food? Why do I have to diet and restrict? I don't want to live a life like that. I am here and I want to LIVE. That is not living. It's really cruel that I'm told to eat 800 calories a day now (by mommie dearest.) lol. I feel like I'm making a case to God or something. Actually, I don't believe in God. I just use him as strictly for metaphorical purposes.

Now, as I'm writing this part, it's the second day after my previous posts. I haven't eaten anything since. I'm cold and my stomach is starting to hurt. I'll try this for a week. I've done it before, I can do it again. Soon my clothes will be loose again. People will wonder. I'll have to hide my food and make up excuses and lie, lie, lie again. It looks like I have to go back to that dark place. Why couldn't I have what I wanted so desperately? Why? I thought I was doing everything right. I was actually having fun while doing it too. Was I deluding myself this whole time? What did I struggle for? I wish someone could help me. People reading this, if anyone for whatever reason that I can't imagine, will probably think I'm just spoiled. So tell me why do I still cling to those old feelings that anything is possible and that this state of having a high metabolism or whatever is truly not that hard to reach. Something just keeps telling me so. I want to silence that voice and at the same time it feels like the truth. But it's led me into such deep shit already.

Views: 18

Comment

You need to be a member of Powerful Intentions: Law of Attraction Community to add comments!

Join Powerful Intentions: Law of Attraction Community

Comment by et on March 27, 2009 at 1:37pm
Hi Natalie. After seeing your blog "Can't Stop" I took liberty to check out your page.

Kara, you may be only seventeen, but you have experienced a lot in those seventeen years! I think Abraham speaks in a tone like "it's easy, you just have to do it" and they're right of course, but only if you haven't developed so many beliefs that contradict what you think you really want from life. Then it becomes a conscious effort to identify (cuz first you have to identify) and then change those beliefs. And, that, my love, is WORK! But work can be very, very satisfying if it accomplishes what you've set out for yourself!


I just want the freedom. I never wanted to pig out intentionally, I just wanted to be assured of the freedom to do so. A lot of people have this, why can't I? I felt so betrayed, at that moment. Like a devout religious fanatic discovering her religion crashing down on her. I don't know, I thought God didn't want people to suffer. Hicks said we're here to have fun and enjoy ourselves, and I don't see why not. But it looks like God doesn't want to be thin, he wants me to struggle with my body and hate myself and bawl like a little bitch about this every single night. He wants me to struggle. He likes to see me suffer. He thinks I don't deserve to have what I want.


This particular excerpt of yours stands out to me. I don't know you, and you need to ask yourself the question and come up with the right answer, so I ask: do you believe that your God doesn't want you to have the body that you so desire because He wants you to suffer? Perhaps this is the belief (if it is indeed your belief) that sabotages your journey to success?

You are God, Natalie. You are of God. God is you and you are God. Perhaps if this were your focus, and you made this a strong belief of yours, you would meet with success????

I don't know you, and I'm only sharing with you my observations. Just know that I think you are beautiful no matter what size you are, or what color your hair is, or what clothes you wear. You are BEAUTIFUL.
Comment by Hooked on Sparkles on March 14, 2009 at 11:41pm
Kara,

I understand some of this -- it's a long story -- but I have a lot of thoughts I want to share with you. I'm going to extend an invite to you to become my friend and maybe we can visit more about this...

Do your best to love yourself just as you are, right now. That's a start. Visualization works, but there's an element of joy that goes with it -- more than just seeing pictures -- and I think that it can be a little more complex (but also maybe not so hard) than how it might seem to be for you.

Don't give up. Because this didn't appear to work doesn't mean it doesn't work at all.

I just think that for you, there is so much going on in your life that it may be a bit overwhelming for you to try to get it all straightened out overnight.

Hang in there and really try to just be gentle with and love yourself just as you are. You are beautiful no matter how much you weigh...try to remember that. I have a hard time with that, too at times, so please know that I understand.

Blessings,
Mary Jo

Powerful Sponsors

Start Your Free Trial Today

Start Your Free Trial Today

 

 ===========


==================


 

Advertising  Group Powerful Intentions.

Join our advertising group and learn about placing ads on Powerful Intentions and the rates.

 
=================
Powerful Intentions Community-

 
Follow PIcommunity on Twitter

 

Welcome To PowerfulIntentions!


Welcome All Powerful Intention Members!.

Powerful Intentions is a unique, online community of people from all walks of life who possess three very important and focused qualities.

Those qualities are:

You believe in the Power of Intentions And The Law Of Attraction And You Are Enthusiastically "Attracted" to be here By Inspired Action!

The P.I. Team's Powerful Intended Result is to:

Create the most fertile community in the world for people to manifest their Intentions!

People who join P.I. are "set up" to BE Successful.

Brilliance, Fun, Luck, Joy and Ease can't help but rub off on them to positively raise their vibration!

Unlimited numbers of the "right" people attracted to P.I., collectively co-creating the most abundant and brilliant ideas, actions and manifestations that have ever been experienced on this planet!

AND we are Happy, Connected, and Abundant, with Brilliance, Simplicity and Ease!!!!!

It's a DONE DEAL and it sticks No MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!

Badge

Loading…

Powerful Advertising Group


Advertising Group on Powerful Intentions.

Join our advertising group and learn about placing ads on Powerful Intentions and the rates.


© 2019   Created by Powerful Intentions.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service