A long time ago, someone promised me that I could have anything I wanted if I was willing to believe I could attain it. They promised me I didn't have to starve, or to even restrict or do anything special to stay thin or whatever size I wanted to be. They pointed to naturally thin people who eat everything, and said there's no reason I couldn't have the same. I believed them.
Then I read Abraham Hicks a couple of months ago. I loved that book. It became my own personal Bible of sorts. Hicks promised the exact same thing, by the way. He said if we raise our vibration to that of a skinny person by believing it, it doesn't matter what kind of food we feed our body, it will adapt. I believed them too.
I've been doing this skinny visualizing thing forever now. I meditate on it, watch any Youtube videos that reinforce the positive message, did the 17/68 second visualization thing, imagine myself skinny, don't hold back on anything that I used to restrict before (I average around 1500-700 cal. a day, without physical exercise.). I felt "skinny" so much I could TASTE it. I could swear, for those moments, that I was a size zero happily running through glorious fields of sunshine, free at last. I'm only a teenager anyway, shouldn't I need all those calories? It was only yesterday that I was a slender ten year old, and I'm already almost into adulthood.
Today, my mother was insulting my body and fat (the usual) and that the reason I can't fit into more than half my clothes is because I gain too quickly for her to buy my size (I'm a US 12-13 size now at 5'7) and when she told me I'm nowhere close to fitting into the same clothes I wore a year ago, I just broke down and started crying. I knew I had gained, deep down, but the law of attraction says we attract what we focus on, so for two months I tried not to focus on the piling pounds and just to "think thin", and now I have 15 extra pounds that throw me into the "overweight" range, and I'm crying so hard. Not cuz of the abuse. But just because, where did all my beliefs and visualizations go? I sincerely believed, with all my heart, that the food wasn't becoming fat because I could control where it was going. It's not that much to ask for, it's not an insane thing to want, I just want the freedom. I never wanted to pig out intentionally, I just wanted to be assured of the freedom to do so. A lot of people have this, why can't I? I felt so betrayed, at that moment. Like a devout religious fanatic discovering her religion crashing down on her. I don't know, I thought God didn't want people to suffer. Hicks said we're here to have fun and enjoy ourselves, and I don't see why not. But it looks like God doesn't want to be thin, he wants me to struggle with my body and hate myself and bawl like a little bitch about this every single night. He wants me to struggle. He likes to see me suffer. He thinks I don't deserve to have what I want.
I had an eating disorder once, a year ago. Not full blown anorexia/bulimia, I got to my senses before it took over completely. I never thought I'd go back to that place. I guess it never went away. I guess somewhere beneath the surface it's been there all-along. Was I really so foolish as to think the law of attraction could save me? I flat-out refuse to conform to a life of organic raw greens and water and one hour of cardio each day. It's either a free for all, or nothing. I don't mean to be dramatic or spoiled but Hicks, along with many other people, PROMISED me I didn't have to go through all this, which I consider suffering because it was never my choice in the first place!!! I hate being told I don't have a choice. Refusing to eat is my choice, eating green is something beyond my choices
I have a history with food as well. When I was really young, like 2-8 years old, there was never any food in my house and I was always hungry. Maybe that's why I was so thin that people had to comment on it. I remember eating whatever and whenever I wanted, but I guess that can't be true because (and I'm not the only one who feels this, my grandparents both confirm it) there wasn't always food lying around. I remember how I wrapped up food from school lunch like chicken or whatever in napkins, stuffed it under my shirt, and snuck it out of school (our bookbags were all locked up.) So why can't I have the freedom to eat anything I want now that we actually have food? Why do I have to diet and restrict? I don't want to live a life like that. I am here and I want to LIVE. That is not living. It's really cruel that I'm told to eat 800 calories a day now (by mommie dearest.) lol. I feel like I'm making a case to God or something. Actually, I don't believe in God. I just use him as strictly for metaphorical purposes.
Now, as I'm writing this part, it's the second day after my previous posts. I haven't eaten anything since. I'm cold and my stomach is starting to hurt. I'll try this for a week. I've done it before, I can do it again. Soon my clothes will be loose again. People will wonder. I'll have to hide my food and make up excuses and lie, lie, lie again. It looks like I have to go back to that dark place. Why couldn't I have what I wanted so desperately? Why? I thought I was doing everything right. I was actually having fun while doing it too. Was I deluding myself this whole time? What did I struggle for? I wish someone could help me. People reading this, if anyone for whatever reason that I can't imagine, will probably think I'm just spoiled. So tell me why do I still cling to those old feelings that anything is possible and that this state of having a high metabolism or whatever is truly not that hard to reach. Something just keeps telling me so. I want to silence that voice and at the same time it feels like the truth. But it's led me into such deep shit already.