over the STUPIDEST thing, something so abysmally ridiculous that I'm not even going to put it down. But she's crying her balls out over it and drinking and breaking things and crying and screaming and threatening divorce too. We were driving back home from my tutoring and she says, "How about we both just crash/die?" (it's a word that includes doing both things at the same time) and for a second allows us to get a little too close to a city bus on the road. I was closer to it. Of course nothing happened, but only after I caught my breath did I challenge, "Sure, go right ahead!"
I flatly notice my almost complete lack of sympathy. Funny. I can feel sympathy for a stranger millions of miles away when I read another sob-story on the news, I can feel sorry for a tragic anime figure, I can even cry over what I make my own anime characters go through. My eyes well with tears when I think of my (mutual!) crush, who has been sick for quite some time now, just because I don't want him to suffer and don't like that he is. In fact, just yesterday I was BAWLING over this movie on Youtube, Painful Secrets (AKA Secret Cutting), saddest thing ever. But it's hard for me to feel sorry for this woman.
Because she has hurt me so much, in so many ways, so deeply. She drove me to the brink of suicide many times, she makes me want to hurt myself and others, she is toxic to my sanity and poison to what's left of my childhood's innocence. I used to struggle with food (but thanks to a couple of books I've recently read, I have acknowledged and accepted the miserable futility of such an existence) and now I hear voices in my head, rather it's just one voice, and it's HERS, her fucking critical miserable voice that makes me want to OD on pills and wash it down with vodka. I'm bleeding. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. If those could be converted to physicality, I would be cut and scarred and bleeding all over and dying from blood loss.
Reluctantly, I hug her as she's standing there holding back the tears, smeared mascara, and offer a few gentle kisses, but there is no quipping urgency in my heart to truly make her feel better like there used to be. I don't really care. I'm not a little girl anymore. I have my own life and it is independent of hers and just because she is miserable doesn't mean I have to run to her side and beat myself up trying to make her happy again. I mean it's like, sure I'd prefer it if she didn't freak out all over the place but nothing more than that. I am too cold, too numb. I simply don't have much feelings left, and it's fine that way, I'm not sad. Even though I haven't seen her cry and break down in many, many years, I am not that upset. I'm just ... eh, melancholy, I guess.
I miss my grandparents. They're on the other side of the globe and they won't be back for another 3 months. I want to call my grandmother and whine, but I won't. She doesn't need to deal with this. I will. Of course.