I have to take responsibility.
I have to stop being the victim. And I didn't know how to do that, until I realized that I just have to take responsibility.
It's not quite saying, "Everything that happens to me is ALL MY FAULT." It's more like, "I control what happens to me and around me."
I'd have to thank the bitch that taught me that today. I don't want to think about it again, but basically what happened is that this one girl was being INCREDIBLY UNJUSTIFIABLY rude to me in class, embarrassing me in front of all these people, that in turn all turned against me because well, they knew who's the alpha bitch. I almost started crying about it afterwards, but then I realized what a valuable learning experience it was. If that's what I am percieved as, then that's what I need to work on. If people can do this to me, then they reflect how I feel about myself. Which is so strange because I've been feeling like an unwanted piece of shit for such a long time now. It explains all the bitchiness, unexplained rudeness that I keep experiencing over the years from different people in different places
... it doesn't excuse them but it explains WHY all the behavior was directed towards me and ONLY ME (because when I talk to other people about it they just can't believe that kind of shit happens to anyone.) I mean this happens a LOT, it's just that I don't really get used to it because it's such an unbelievable kick in the face. I can't really get used to being treated like dirt. Ahh, whatever... anyway, the point is, I've learned my lesson, or so I think. Something inside me is just crying, "NOW you FINALLY GET IT!!!!!!!"
Now that I've said to myself, "I take full responsibility for myself," it feels strangely liberating and empowering. It's just not the same kind of "responsibility" that other people try and saddle me with, like teachers at school or college advisors or whatnot. I swear they've overused that word too much and now it lost a lot of meaning, which is bad because it's pretty amazing when I get down to thinking about it.