It was super very important for me to "be ahead" in my life.
That was my life-long dream since I was seventeen to be and feel like I was ahead. Most of that need came from my desire to look good and get acceptance from others. Then how come for all these years have I always been behind?
I would hear the voices of people in my head around me tell me I was lazy or that I just needed to get a real job, or that I just needed to keep a job. Man, on the surface it sounds like I was a complete Scumbag Steve kind of loser who never would work. Well that's what some thought. It turned me into a cynic. I kept quiet about my vehicles breaking down, or the out of nowhere expenses that came up. I just kept my mouth shut and let the fuckers assume. I did but it still hurt on the inside. I even made a few financial mistakes that were my fault, that I had to take responsibility for. People didn't see the long hours I put in, cleaning porta jons, cleaning bathrooms in offices part time, and doing yard work part time.
The more I would work and couldn't get ahead just put so much damper on my spirit. It mattered what people thought about me. The more I would get into the hole, the less confident I became. In reality my biggest goal in life was to work hard enough where I could eventually meet an awesome girl. In my mind though, I needed to feel like I was on top. The constant barriers and circumstances kept me feeling worthless. I wanted just the simple things, my own home, my own decent vehicle, and enough money to live comfortable. Step 2 would be to endeavor into some way to express my creative side.
Overall though I'd built my life (at least attempted to) around the idea of impressing others. If I had my own place and was at a steady monday through friday job, I would be able to have "normal" friends. A good woman would see me as "normal", not some loser who couldn't keep himself up. Every hour put in, every lawn I mowed, every toilet I cleaned, every painful day of waking up to doing jobs I hated, had its motivations coming from the idea that some day I would wake up and finally be accepted without judgment. I would finally be normal and find some source of unconditional love by having the right kind of people surrounding me.
That was my life-long endeavor. Could it have been from childhood experiences where my parents, and other members of my extended family left me feeling inadequate and unloved? It probably was that.
Don't we all need some kind of unconditional love from somewhere?
I don't know.
I think the Universe was really saying, don't put yourself in a position to where all of your outcomes are based on the idea that you will be accepted by others. That seems to explain why every outcome has never worked in my favor. Maybe it's about doing what I want.
Maybe if I just begin doing what I want, and not caring, then it's a step closer to freedom.