One of the phrases that I hear the most in my coaching sessions is: “I want to change my life!” Some people even say that they are “desperate” to “change” their lives. This should be obvious, of course; nobody would come to me if they thought their lives were perfect in all aspects – If they felt they hadn’t anything else to accomplish or improve. In that case the game would be over, and they would have won it.
But it seems that the vast majority of people are masters at keeping the game going, and what’s worst; they are masters at being in the losing side of it. Sure, all this goes on at the sub-conscious aspect of the ego, at a deep, usually hidden, emotional aspect; the so-called “dark side of the moon”. And that is why true transformation seems to be as difficult to humans as trying to catch the carrot on the stick is to horses. People keep on chasing the carrot all their lives – and then they die!
Oops, game is over, “maybe in a next incarnation I’ll finally get it”. But, and that’s a BIG but; what if there’s no other incarnation? Or, what if you come back into a next life carrying the same issues you were not able to clear in the past? What if you are born a roach instead of a human? Who knows? Those are all suppositions. But let’s get back to THIS life and get real, leave the incarnation debate to philosophers and mystics, they can do it way better than you; that’s their game.
Let’s look at a couple of things that those who wish to “change” may tell us. You will notice that I usually put quotation marks around the world “change” (there it goes again), and that is because I am not too fond of this word. It is not precise, not even accurate. In my view and opinion, when people say that they want to “change”, they are implying that they should turn into something different, when in reality what they should do is to continue being the same beings that they are with different strategies.
If you have a broken pipe in your house, you don’t necessarily need to move into another house; all you have to do is to call a plumber instead of keeping on complaining about the broken tube. That is a smarter strategy. But some people suppose that “changing” is almost like occupying another body, being someone else instead of who they were born to be. My issue with the word “change” may be a matter of semantics after all, and you don’t have to agree with it if you don’t want to. But let’s get back to what really matters…
As I’ve said before, some people tell me that they are desperate to “change”; however, what I usually find out is that they are not desperate at all, they are accommodated. Yep, the comfort zone is very tricky. If the rewards for being in the comfort zone appear to be bigger than the rewards for changing strategies, guess what? The ego will do every single thing in its power to keep you away from making the right moves, from using a new strategy, one that would get you out of that supposedly comfortable place. That’s when conflict arises – people are not really “desperate” because they want to “change”, but they are frustrated because there’s a conflict going on.
Someone who does not have a specific improvement goal or who does not care about getting out of the comfort zone have no way of being uneasy or “desperate”, no matter how bad their circumstances seem to be from the outside. But goals, be it better health, better shape, improved relationships or financial freedom, implies using new strategies for going from point A to point B. And usually, if not always, point B is out of the borders of our comfort zone. So keep that in mind; you are not necessarily desperate because of your condition, but rather frustrated because you are not satisfied with your condition anymore but are afraid of trying new strategies.
Conditions are just what they are; you created them somehow. They should be neutral, as for example you may say: “I am broke”. That is a condition, that’s all. It is NOT a life sentence, it is NOT who you are. Being broke is not part of your core identity, but a temporary state you have managed to get yourself in. The problem comes when you start creating fairy-tales and end up believing that being broke is a curse, your karma, or that people and circumstances caused you to get in that condition.
So, you’re broke, unhealthy, frustrated, lonely, etc. So what? You know it, you are playing that game. The only possible thing you can do is to start changing the condition, but to do it you must let go of the comfort zone, you must let go of being accommodated, and you must take the right actions.
Another thing that I usually hear from my clients is: “I don’t know what to do!” Sorry folks, but that’s not accurate either. Truth is; you’re always doing something, this thing that you’re doing is either moving you towards your goal or away from it. There’s no such a thing as a state of total stillness in the universe.
If you think that at this point you don’t know what to do to start moving in the right direction, I have a very simple solution; just change your question from: “what should I do?” to “what should I stop doing?” That’s an improvement, a big one. Usually success or failure at accomplishing goals encompasses things that you should do and things that you should stop doing, or at least doing them in a different way.
And guess what; when you stop doing things that you shouldn’t be doing, you MUST do something else (remember that there’s no such a thing as not-doing or total stillness). That something else is usually the right thing to be done to move you in the direction you wish to go. It IS that simple!
If, for example, you are broke, you’re very good at doing things that keep you broke, both at the mental/emotional and the physical/action aspects. You may be trying to think positive thoughts but not taking the necessary or correct actions to move you out of that uncomfortable state. Or you may be working your butts off but living in a negative frequency regarding money and prosperity.
The bottom line is; we are always doing something, at the levels of thinking, feeling and acting. All the drama of life happens within these three levels. The reality that we experience “out there” just reflects how we handle these variables.
And finally, another misconception people have is: “there’s someone or something doing it to me”. It may be the tyrannical boss, the abusive husband (or wife), the misbehaved child, the government, Wall Street, the reptilians, or God knows who! It seems that everyone and their dogs came to this world with a single goal; to make your life a living hell. Come on! You are NOT that important. Nobody is, and nobody really cares.
Other players do what they have to do based on what YOU allow them to do. Based on your own rules and the character you wish to play. If you want to play the “poor me” act, there will surely be plenty of people lining up to help you accomplish that. But if you want to pay the “I am a master of my destiny” act, you will find the characters to agree with you on that as well. Life is all about occupying a position and managing to have enough people agreeing with it. If you manage to have enough people agreeing with you, you can even become very famous or lead a whole country.
If you think other people or circumstances have the power to dictate your destiny you may be right at certain level. If you say so, it is true for you at this point. There may be someone who is really making your life a living hell. However, and pay close attention to it: YOU are allowing them to do it, or you are the one placing yourself in the position of a victim of certain circumstances.
How to get yourself out of this trap? For God’s sake, move to another place, get a divorce, call the police, get a job, have the courage to say what you have to say, but please, don’t be in the “poor me” victim condition. That’s a prison without bars.
In conclusion, I ask you to pay attention to these essential initial aspects of personal improvement. Challenge yourself, be honest. Are you truly desperate? I bet not. If you were truly desperate you would change your circumstances very quickly, as if your life depended on it, instead of keeping on whining and complaining out of frustration due to your own lack of courage.
Are you really sure you “don’t know what to do?” then do ANYTHING different from whatever you’re doing now to keep you miserable. Try different strategies until you get it. Making mistakes is not a problem; the problem is being stuck in the same act all your life, expecting to get different results while you do the same things over and over again (that’s a definition of insanity by the way).
Are there any people holding you down? Declare independence. You can still be married to your loved one, keep your boss, live besides a neighbor, stay in your town or country. But please let them know what you want out of your game, what is acceptable to you, what can be done to turn any relationship or condition into a win-win situation. If they don’t agree with it, let them go their way. Sometimes we have to let go of the old to welcome the new.
The ONLY Coach in the planet who charges ONLY for results, not promises