I'm having problems with my mother...

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Permalink Reply by Qsma on June 12, 2008 at 4:13pm

Hello Sweden! This is Canada calling!! :0)


I believe the first thing you need to do is forgive your mother. She did the best she knew how at the time.
In your heart forgive her, and then let it go. Say to yourself, "I am an adult. I love my mother, but I don't need to do as I am told, as if I was a little child."

You are free to live your own life anyway you choose and I am sure you are wise enough to make the best decisions for you.


You need to live for you, not for anyone else because YOU are the most important person in your life.


It sounds like she has left you with low self esteem, but it's never to late to fix that. Get to know and love yourself. That is something you have to do on your own anyhow. Once you love yourself unconditionally, the world will open up to you.

Remember, the past is done. It's finished. It does not define who you are today. Almost everyone has had a crappy childhood. Learn from it and move on. Who do you want to be? Begin to be that man. He doesn't need his mother's approval and he can stand on his own two feet! :0)

Good Luck. I know you can do it.

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Permalink Reply by Beastieboy on June 13, 2008 at 3:31am

Thanks!
I try to think like that, I have to think more about my self, I need to train hard to think more about my self I guess, to create me as the person I want to be! I have forgiven my mother, I really have, cause I understand that she have devoped emotional problems during my fathers drinking!

But to day, I'm going to live this day just for myself! :o)

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Permalink Reply by Raindrop on June 12, 2008 at 7:34pm

Beastie Boy,

You sound like a great person. A lot of people won't look out for a younger sibling like you have.

I grew up the youngest of 6 kids, and my mother was the same way. She constantly told me how ugly I was, and how much I disappointed her.As an adult, people have told me often that I'm beautiful (physically), but I just don't see it at all. Any friends I had, she said I chose just to hurt her. My next oldest sister always had friends whose fathers were rich - I don't know if that was a coincidence - but mine were people that I chose not knowing anything about their families. She would tell me that my friends tended to come from poor families, and that was an insult to her.

That sister became a clone of our mother, which, of course, Mother loved. I became who I was, and that was an insult to her. I heard how she talked about all of us, and even as a child thought that a mother shouldn't talk in such a way about her children. She seemed to hate everyone - never a kind word for or about anyone. She couldn't stand anyone any of the children married, and spoke disparagingly about all of the in-laws.

After I grew up, I wondered if I had imagined that she truly disliked me. She got cancer when I was 20 years old. I moved with her to another state, so she could be near my oldest sister, and also be treated at a good hospital nearby. I worked until 9:30 at night, and would then drive to the hospital half an hour away and stay till she fell asleep, in case she needed anything. Most nights, I didn't get home before midnight. Back then, there was no treatment for the bone cancer she had, and some bones had broken in her back, so she could barely move. Also, they essentially stuck her in a room far away from the nurses' desk and weren't very good about coming when she called. I spent my days off there, and on the half day I worked I would go over before work and sit with her. She barely spoke to me any of those times. There was often a reason another family member couldn't go to the hospital (usually, they were just tired - like I wasn't at 9:30 pm!), so I would go in their place. Even though she never acknowledged that I was doing anything for her, I thought she had to appreciate it.

The day she died, we were all in the room, and I was sitting on the bed next to her. In her last few minutes, she spoke to everyone by name (even the dispised in-laws) and said something to each one. She never looked at me or spoke to me before she died. So, that pretty much told me that it wasn't my imagination that she couldn't stand me.

I've thought that if she had lived longer (she was in her 50's when she died), our relationship probably wouldn't have changed. The times in my life when I tried to reach out to her emotionally, she would make some nasty comment to let me know that she felt I was just a pain in the butt.

Since she is gone, I've had no choice but to "get over it." She never chose to be a part of my life or receive love from me, and there was nothing I could do about that. I know I'm a good person and have done a lot of good things. If you listened to her, I was nothing but a screw-up. So, this is one of those things where you have to realize it's her, not you. Don't let her negativity affect you any longer. You deserve love and respect, and if she doesn't choose to show you either, do what you can to move on. Accept her as a part of your life, but don't accept her bad feelings toward you. You deserve the best and if she doesn't want to give it, that's all on her.

Continue to develop the positives in your life and continue your good works and kindness. You'll be fine.

Bless you.

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Permalink Reply by genevieve on June 13, 2008 at 4:56am

Hi Beastieboy,

It always makes me feel sad to hear of children who are abused even verbally by parents because then they have a hard time separating from their parents and growing up independently.They should be just held in a cloud of love, instead they are enmeshed in a tangled web of mixed emotions, love, duty, guilt, anger. But the advice you received is great, learn to love yourself, forgive your parents (for your OWN sake) and then set a new role for yourself, one where you do what you want to do.

You could use your parents as a lesson in what NOT to do when you are a parent or when you are choosing a spouse. Too many people tolerate poor behaviour in a partner or spouse not thinking that if they have children this is the Father or Mother they are choosing for their children. We get very little time to adjust to being a parent so we really need to have our issues sorted out and be in a space where we can love ourselves, love our spouses and can give unconditional love to a child, otherwise we may repeat the mistakes of our parents.

Try reversing the roles for a bit and try being a parent to your parents, try to love them unconditionally. Try imagining you are the parent of teenagers (your parents) and try loving them even when they are struggling against you. It is hard, but it may be an exercise that will help you forgive them for what they were not able to do, and it will show you how much love you need to have for yourself in order to be able to give to others.

The greatest gift you can give your inner child is to BE the father you always wanted to have and in your relationship with girls, attract and enable a spouse who will BE the mother to your children that you always wanted to have !!

love adn compassion Gen

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Permalink Reply by Anita Dale on June 13, 2008 at 5:00am

Dear Sweden,

Congratulations on making that first step to moving forward with your life. You sound like a very thoughtful young man that needs a break. You should be very proud of yourself for taking the step to ask for the opinions of others..... The road you could have gone down to blank out the years of hurt could have resulted in drugs, alcohol and crime and ultimately be just another lifes "Victims"..... I can see from your letter you write from the heart and that you truely want to break free from the past.

Your mother appears to have lost her way over the years and seems to have "issues" of her own that only she can get help for. Of course you could have "Family Counselling" but you all have to want to resovle your differences. Unfortunately you can't help someone if they don't want to be helped but at least you know you've tried.

Having the last word can be very frustrating particularlly if it's the other person that has to have it.... Why not write everything down that you feel about how your relationship has affected you since you were a child.... give instances ie. "When you told me I was not good enough I felt......". Also write what you want to happen with your relationship...... Tell her that from now on she must not make you feel unworthy of her attention and that you want her to be part of your life in a positive way.

In the meantime work on your self esteem. Tell yourself every day in front of the mirror that you are a fantastic guy and that you love YOU. When you are able to love yourself then others will love you in a healthy way. It may not be your mum ..... as I said she may not want to get the help she needs for whatever reason. But that doesn't stop you from forming other healthy relationships.

May I suggest you read the Dave Pelzer books, starting with A Boy Called It....... It's a harrowing story of a boy who grew up without love with a "mother" who was the worst ever. As the story unravels despite all that he'd gone through, he'd "Survived" adversity to become what he always dreamed of........

Take a leaf out of his book (not literally lol) and go for your dreams. Make that decision to run your own life..... If you get negative vibes from anyone then walk away and work your butt off to show them you mean business!!!! But most of all don't give up....... think "failure is not an option" and my favorite saying is "It's not the cards you're dealt with in life...... It's how you play them"......

I was orphaned 3 years ago....... My mum was very special to me....... But I now make sure I do things that make me proud and that I know she would be proud of me too. My dad was an alcoholic too but he chose the path of distruction and wouldn't listen to reason. So I figured that I would have to just get on with my own life......... And I did.... And loving it.

May You Live A Prosperous New Life From This Day Forwards

Warmest Wishes

Anita

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Permalink Reply by Raindrop on June 13, 2008 at 5:07am

What Genevieve said about being a parent yourself was good. Four of my siblings have continued my mother's ways in raising their children. They seem to think that if mother did it, was right.

When you have children of your own, take the good things that you've learned, add to them and please don't continue any of the negatives. Don't make a child feel the way you did.

Take care.

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Permalink Reply by Bolli on June 13, 2008 at 8:41am

Hey Beastie,

One of the things I've noticed in what you wrote is that you seem to blame your dad's drinking for your mother's behavior. If you stop and think about it, you didn't turn out cold and unloving because your dad was drinking, actually quite the opposite no? You took care of your brother and helped.

In alcoholic families there are often "enablers" that allow the person with the problem to "get away with" doing what they are doing. In some way it seems to me that you are not noticing that your mother may have behaved this way.

Even though your father had a drinking problem your mother chose how to respond to that and she is accountable for her own behavior. Part of understanding her sense of holding you back might just be a sense of you not allowing yourself to acknowledge on a deep level that the way she treated you was her choice and not at all your father's fault.

I think perhaps if you accept this deep inside you will tilt your perspective to understand that we all have choices in how we react to people around us and their negativity. She is teaching you a valuable lesson in her odd way because in recognizing that she is responsible for her own choices no matter how negative your father may have been you can understand that YOU are responsible for your own choices no matter how negative your mother may have been.

Sometimes I think once we understand the lesson it is easier to accept and forgive. Good luck to you.

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Permalink Reply by Debbie Greene on June 13, 2008 at 9:32am

Beastie,

YOU are where you are. Nothing that has happened before in your life can effect you or your life right here right now unless you allow it. Everything in your life is a reflection of YOUR vibration in the past. Not your mother, not your father..................your vibration. Before you think this girl has no idea what she is talking about..........let me tell you a story:

I was a battered wife. I had a small child and to save my life and my sanity I had to leave and go into a shelter for abused women. I was on welfare and food stamps. DID I CAUSE THAT? ABSOLUTELY!
Little by little I worked my way out of that situation using law of attraction before I knew what it was called. I now am living a wonderful, prosperous, happy life. Do I talk about this as my excuse for every bad thing that happened after that ? NO!

Ok.......here is my point with all of this. I feel profoundly sorry for my ex husband. He is a sad, miserable man totally disconnected from Source. All of the mean things he ever did or said to me were about him .........not me. I think that is the case with your parents. Total disconnection. So if you look back on everything knowing that somehow you DID attract this but NOW YOU KNOW BETTER AND WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN........and that your parents were coming from a place of sadness and disconnection in themselves.........this was not about YOU. It was about them and the way they were feeling.

Start NOW YOU are where you are. Go forward from here. Trust yourself. FEEL how each new thought feels to you. Is it relief from where you are? If not then think of something you like better and that feels better to you. Do this all day - every day.

If you haven't already read Ask and It is Given by Abraham-Hicks and You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. And more than anything else..........Know that you are a magnificent, worthy being and the only one who can effect your life is you. Go out and BE HAPPY. Do something joyful. Just for you! Just for joy! Laugh, play, do something silly. And take that feeling and use it to continue your connection with Source!
Namaste

Debbie

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Permalink Reply by Beastieboy on June 13, 2008 at 2:41pm

Thanks everyone for your answers! I have got ALOT to think about now! :o)

You are all wonderfull people who took time to reply on my thread! Thank you!

With love from sweden, Beastieboy!

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