Any advice - alcoholic partner in denial
Hi all,
I was wondering if anyone has any advice or support?
I have a truly wonderful loving boyfriend whom I love so much that I cannot even begin to tell you. We have been together for five years and in that time, we have both changed and grown. At the moment, we have a couple of issues, first money is becoming difficult, work is stressful for both us and I am not sure how to deal with his social group or his drinking:
For a LONG time, he has abused alcohol. To a degree he has known this, to a degree he has not. He has a lot of friends around him and they to varying degrees encourage the problem, some of which do so because they have a problem themselves, some because they are afraid to talk to him about it. I have spoken to a couple of his friends about it, and most are completly against my views - they see me as a party pooper - or they say they see my point, but then carry on regardless. Not one will actually offer any help or support.
I do not know what to do on a day-to-day basis; I feel that within his social circle I am out of my depth as there is a huge history between him and his friends and they all encourage this behaviour. I have tried talking to him about it, and he will say he knows he has a problem and he wants to change.
The problem comes in two areas- firstly, his friends perpetuate the problem either by ALWAYS topping up his glass - this is fine when I am around as I prevent it too much, and to a degree, he does as well when I have reminded him beforehand. However, when this happens constantly, he can lose track, or if I get distracted or not there, he ends up drinking too much.
The second problem is probably worse - I don't think he realises how serious his drinking is. He just DOES NOT KNOW how much he drinks. He can tolerate a huge amount because of the fact he has drunk so much but he does not know when to stop. He can fall over with drinking too much, black out and while both of those things are rare, he does not worry too much when they do happen.
I have tried to help control his drink as I mix his drinks when it is just the two of us. This may be very wrong, but I did it thinking it would help - he is used to having VERY strong drinks, quickly, and I thought if he got used to the feeling of going to bed not drunk and waking up not hung over, he would be able to learn to drink less. This has worked in a way, as he drinks a lot less when it is just the two of us.
So, here are my questions, what do I do when he has a day when he drinks too much? I try to be positive, but I find it SO hard, particularly as he can say some really unpleasant things when he is drunk. How do i handle his friends, those that are just helping this man that I love to keep his head firmly in the sand and force in down deeper? What do I say to him when he is drunk or the next day when he wants me to say how well he has done when I know he does not know what he is saying himself and he is looking to me to validate his drinking like the rest of his friends do?
Any advice and positive thoughts sent would be so massively appreciated...
I was wondering if anyone has any advice or support?
I have a truly wonderful loving boyfriend whom I love so much that I cannot even begin to tell you. We have been together for five years and in that time, we have both changed and grown. At the moment, we have a couple of issues, first money is becoming difficult, work is stressful for both us and I am not sure how to deal with his social group or his drinking:
For a LONG time, he has abused alcohol. To a degree he has known this, to a degree he has not. He has a lot of friends around him and they to varying degrees encourage the problem, some of which do so because they have a problem themselves, some because they are afraid to talk to him about it. I have spoken to a couple of his friends about it, and most are completly against my views - they see me as a party pooper - or they say they see my point, but then carry on regardless. Not one will actually offer any help or support.
I do not know what to do on a day-to-day basis; I feel that within his social circle I am out of my depth as there is a huge history between him and his friends and they all encourage this behaviour. I have tried talking to him about it, and he will say he knows he has a problem and he wants to change.
The problem comes in two areas- firstly, his friends perpetuate the problem either by ALWAYS topping up his glass - this is fine when I am around as I prevent it too much, and to a degree, he does as well when I have reminded him beforehand. However, when this happens constantly, he can lose track, or if I get distracted or not there, he ends up drinking too much.
The second problem is probably worse - I don't think he realises how serious his drinking is. He just DOES NOT KNOW how much he drinks. He can tolerate a huge amount because of the fact he has drunk so much but he does not know when to stop. He can fall over with drinking too much, black out and while both of those things are rare, he does not worry too much when they do happen.
I have tried to help control his drink as I mix his drinks when it is just the two of us. This may be very wrong, but I did it thinking it would help - he is used to having VERY strong drinks, quickly, and I thought if he got used to the feeling of going to bed not drunk and waking up not hung over, he would be able to learn to drink less. This has worked in a way, as he drinks a lot less when it is just the two of us.
So, here are my questions, what do I do when he has a day when he drinks too much? I try to be positive, but I find it SO hard, particularly as he can say some really unpleasant things when he is drunk. How do i handle his friends, those that are just helping this man that I love to keep his head firmly in the sand and force in down deeper? What do I say to him when he is drunk or the next day when he wants me to say how well he has done when I know he does not know what he is saying himself and he is looking to me to validate his drinking like the rest of his friends do?
Any advice and positive thoughts sent would be so massively appreciated...
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by michael2479 on -
Well some of your questions might be able to be answered by people who have been in the same situation you are in. You might find some people at an AlAnon meeting.http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
See if you can find someone there who has walked the walk you are on and has found a solution. Ask then what they did.
There are tons of counsellors who work in this area too so maybe that can help. There is also a wealth of writen material on the subject. Here is abook I found very helpful.
http://www.jimmaclaine.com/wysl/chaptersummaries.htm
I have found some very cool people in 12 step programs. In fact it was people involved in 12 step programs who introduced me to the LOA , the secret and Abraham Hicks.
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Permalink Reply by livelovelaugh on -
Thank-you so much for your reply. I will be taking a look at your link and hope it will offer some help and guidance. Thank-you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. Your kindness is felt and appreciated x
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Permalink Reply by mamallmighty on -
I just went to a meeting where healing can be asked for even for family members and friends, check out the website www.bruno-groening.org/english and see if you can find a way to be strong and take care of yourself while receiving healing for your friend. Have a great day and may you find the way and the answer right for you!
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Permalink Reply by livelovelaugh on
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Thank-you so much for your reply. I have gained from this forum and your reply, with others, has made me feel that we wil find a way forward. Thank-you
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Permalink Reply by Hilda Macdonald on -
You have two choices, accept the drinking, or don't. If you had a daughter say 20 years from now, you loved her and wanted the best for her and she wrote to you for advice about her drinking boyfriend, what advice would you give her?you are not his mother, you shouldn't have to control his drinking, you only need to be a loving mother to yourself, be true to yourself, take care of you, you deep down know you deserve better and if he loves you, then he would want to change, How can he love you, or anyone else if he dosn't love himself? his path is his choice, you can tell him you have had enough and you want him to want change, but that is his choice, you must think about your life and your choices, love yourself enough to make the right choice, you are worth it!
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Permalink Reply by michael2479 on
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Sounds like excellent advice, to me , anyway.
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Permalink Reply by livelovelaugh on
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Thank-you so much! You are absolutely right - every word of what you say is correct. I have used a lot of excuses - his friends, the drink companies, his work EVERYTHING which is not too far away from what he does. Thank-you for your honesty and support x
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Permalink Reply by Barbara on -
My thoughts, offered if you may find value in them: It may be helpful to remember that we are all one. You are an abundant source of light and love. Remember that where ever we are, in this journey, we deserve nothing less than pure adoration. It is always available to us in every moment, but sometimes we forget where to look. This moment is all there really is - are you honouring your BEAUTIFUL soul in this moment?
I am sure there are MANY opportunities for support (and wise individuals who are already sending you abundant love and light in this and every moment) here in this community.
Wishing you Peace and Joy
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Permalink Reply by livelovelaugh on
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Thank-you Barbara. All the replies on this thread have been great, and I'm feeling quite tearful reading them all! You have been so kind to reply to the thread. Thank-you.
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Permalink Reply by livelovelaugh on
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Thank-you to everyone who replied so far. Last night we started off so well - he came home a little late after a stop-off in the pub - however, he was so clear in his mind about making an effort, everyday, I thought we had turned a real corner. Then, he had friends due round. He started off really well. Then, he went past his control point, and I just did not know what to say (again!). I'm feeling a bit tearful because firstly, I'm tired with lack of sleep, and secondly, all your kindness is really felt.
I feel that we have many good days, and more good days than bad. I know I am lucky and I am grateful for it. Truly. It is just that at the moment, I feel like I am on a treadmill that never stops or changes. It is so hard making decisions around this huge problem. Thank-you for your thoughts. It is really great as it is one way of keeping positive - it is so hard when all this is going on as I want to be positive - I think it is one of the best ways of bringing about change - but I don't want to encourage the denial.
Thank-you for being there.
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TeleSeminar to be held Monday and Wednesday evenings Starting Dec 1st for six sessions. Learn MORE...
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