I haven't been here for quite a while, but I have a question today that plagues me. I had a lot of anxiety in my life, panic attacks, it was not very nice. That is over since long now but I still have a lot of nervousness and urge to controll things. Whenever I have fear that sth bad will happen (and yes, I often have this fear, even though I know it makes no sense living in the future) - and this fear always concerns my kids in a way, that they might become ill, that I might not be able being there for them because sth bad might happen so me etc. - I don't react with more fear or even panic, I just acknowledge it is there and try not to judge (well, it is getting on my nerves, tbh), but I cannot seem to get rid of it for a long time, or it never stops at all deep down there. I have come to the conclusion that I simply lack basic trust. I never, ever have the feeling sth could end up positively, in a good way, I only see the worst outcome.
And things keep showing up, problems keep showing up....I don't have the feeling I ever get a day or two where I can relax because some sword of Damocles is always hanging above me. Meanwhile I have given up all wishes, hopes and expectations for a better future (don't get me wrong, my life has become better in many way, especially financially, but there are other areas that have gotten worse, like my health, or being without any love in my life - romantical love - since 9 years now, so I often wonder what the point is.), at least for myself. I still hope my kids will have a healthy, great and happy life, but for myself I have pretty much come to terms that this is it and my only hope is that things won't go down the drain completely for me. I wish I had more trust, but I can't think of a way to change that.
You know what I just noticed? I checked my basic feeling about life on the whole and turns out I seem to have resigned to life as it is since quite a while. Frustration comes up from time to time when I want things to change, but on the whole it seems I have come to terms with it all, probably beacuse I don't think things will change a lot. And the astonishing thing is: I feel calmer this way because I have largely given up expectations or dreams or desires (at least for myself - for my family I want the whole good package and I will always fight for that!). This is not where I wanted to end, tbh, but it reflects pretty much what I think about life by now: too much fighting and working and too little fun. ;-)
Strangely I'm not depressed or anything like that, I only feel some relief not to have to fight so much anymore and just let things be. Only sometimes I get really pissed ^^! On the whole I have a good life and I'm grateful for all the things I have, I wished I was healthier and had more energy and other things than only work, and that I would wake up looking forward to the day and not simply wake up and start working und til it is evening again. I need to figure out which way I want to follow and how this can be done. This seems to be the hardest about it all.
Thank you for this detailed explanation! Highly appreciated!
But what comes to my mind immediately, especially with the last paragraph, is, hat I simply can't remember feeling good most of the time. It is getting harder and harder. Just as an example: I used to draw on memories of visits to the sea, to cities like Rome, London etc. endlessly, but I can't draw on them any longer as they have faded long ago and I sinmply cannot remember anymore what the sea smelled like, how the air there felt, what a good feeling I had there or in those favourite cities of mine because the last time I travelled was 13 years ago. Then the financial problems started and even though we are better off financially, we still have debts to pay off so there is never money left at the end of the month for savings. At least we can pay our bills and buy good food and stuff for the boys etc. I also can't remember feeling loved. I am married, but things happened years ago and I really stopped loving my husband in a romantical way. We are still together because we want to, we get along well, like friends, and we are good parents. But we aren't in love anymore like a couple normally is or should be. We are friends, but even that seems to fade as I get more and more frustrated about life and I miss being held and beling loved and even though I wish him only the best in life, I also feel a lot resentment because I'm not young anymore and feel I won't ever be happy again, with a man. So anger and frustration has eaten up a lot of the good feelings and memories I had inside. I guess I'm doing a lot of things wrong, but I absolutely don't want to leave this relaitonsship because it would cause way more problems than staying in it, even though you might call me crazy. So, this is rather incoherent, sorry.
I don#t want to sound as if I don#t have any good in my life, because it isn't true. I am one of those people who really stop to smell the roses, if you know what I mean! I enjoy the little things in life, I love being in nature, in my garden, I love my kids more than life, I love my dog (maybe this is also a difficult part for me: last year my beloved dog died, not even 8 years old, and it simply broke my heart. He was my best friend, I could tell him everything and he was always there for me. I even cry when writing this, I miss him like hell. We got another dog a few months after he did, and I love him dearly, but of course he is a new chapter in our life and no replacement for Mickey.), but I'd love to have sth in my life that makes my heart sing, and there hasn#t been anything like that for so many years now and I don't expect to be anything like that in the future. As you said, I accepted it, but sometimes I don't. But it is a good thing I could get it all off my chest , thanks for listening!
Thank you really so much for taking so much time!
it is really interesting what you say, and just having retunred fomr my daily walk with doggie in the woods, where we met lovely people which was nice, I always feel much more connected and whole than before. So, I can say I definitely do several of the things you suggested, because of course I know they make me feel better. Sth tiny like my sea sand peeling I use in the shower: some sand is always as a debris at the bottom of the tub, and I always put my hand on it because it feels like being at the sea (unfortunately, I have no sea anywhere near me - if I had I'd be there very, very often, you bet!), or sometimes I smell a whiff in the air that reminds me of the boxwoods I smelled in Rome, of around Christmas I always buy mince pies and have them with tea, so it is almost like being in London. I enjoy these things a lot!
I know I'm sabotaging myself with that self-talk, and I try to eliminate it as much as possible. At the moment I'm not very good at it, but the good thing is, I know it is getting better. Then I don't have that many problems with my life anymore, even though the problems don't solve themselves, of cours.e But they don't weigh that much.
I guess I expresse myself incorrectly with regards to a man. What I really mean is: I miss having sex (sorry for being so blunt). I never was a woman who needed a man to feel whole, but I miss being hugged or kissed. I wouldn't want a new relationsship, only some affection now and then.
Money is certainly no menas to be happy, but having money is way less stressful than having none and struggling every day to get enough to buy food. That is what it was like in the past many times, but that is over, and I don't lie awake all night with sweating with fear how to pay the bills or buy food or clothes. So when you always have to worry about that you almost have no time or inclination to feel happy.
Showing myself compassion or even love myself is sth I'm a complete failure in. Really. I like my intellectual properties, that I'm good at my job etc., but I can't say I like myself. I just can't. When somebody makes a compliment, I not only wave it aside, it is out of the question that the compliment is dishonest. I don't even have any negative feelings about that. For me it is just a fact. I also doubt people could really like me, even though some of them obviously do. I still don't believe it. Yeah, I'm a weirdo for sure ;-)
Anyway, my modd is much better now after having been for a walk and thankfully I have enough work on my desk, so not much time thinking silly things.
lots of insights for me from this, thank you so much!
You are right, I'm so inpatient, always been ;-). I've learned a lot in the last decade, but obviously not enough. I will start right away.
Only one more thing: I wouldn't want sex with my husband, that would feel like having sex with my brother, uuuugggghhhh. Our rlationshsip has simply completely changed, no romantic feelings anymore, only benevolent and friendly ones (and sometimes not, like in any relationship). But then again, we are not the only ones. I'm glad we still can talk and raise our kids in unison.
thank you, lots to think about. and you are right, that thing with my husband is definitely done, I don't want it anymore, period :).
thank you, I guess you are right :)
I only wanted to give a short update to this:
as for the legal issue, I still don't have any news from the authorities (sure, they are so busy at the moment ruining small CBC shops all over Germany and filing lawsuits against them...this is so insane). However, I have learned to stay calm about that. Probably not in the way I should. I'm simply not able to visualize the best possible outcome for myself in this. I simply can't. Not possible. So the only way to calm myself down is by accepting it all, no matter what comes out of it.This is porbably due to my attitude I have developed in the last few years (I menitoned it before): I accept, I have come to terms with it all. I haveaccepted that I wake up every morning with an aching body, I have accepted that I experience weird and scary symptoms (and always new ones as soon as another subsides ;-) ), I'm no longer scared by them, I have accepted that life is what it is. I have no sepcieal expectations other than only to make it for another few years until my boys are old enough. I said this all before. The weird thing is: I don't even feel sorry for myself or depressed, buth rather stoic. Andnow that I feel this way, I can really accept it all. But no matter what, I cannot visualize a better future for me. It is as if there was nothing more ridiculous in the wordl than me being healthy, full of joy. I don't mean the joy I feel about a flower, or about being in nature or when looking at my kids. This is a very deep and subtle joy that fills me up which is really good. I mean the stuff all others seem to feel: going out, having fun, looking forward to sth. I never look forward to something, I wouldn't know what that should be anyway. There doesn't seem to be anything left I desire. Not sure if that is good or not, but I feel that if I had the choice, I wouldn't want to come back for another turn after I have died one day - no reincarnation, please!! :) My days are not gloomy or sad, I am rather bored, because there is nothing but work and solving problems in my life. And when I look back that is all that there has ever been. And I look around and almost all the world is the same, or even worse. I absolutely DO recognize the lovely and positive things that happen, otherwise I wouldn't be able to live at all, nobody would. But in comparison to all the bad happening it is tiny. Yes, I know, it is all a reflection of that is going on inside, but then I have to say sorry, I can't help it. it is too much. I can't ignore everything that is going on every day all day. I have to deal with those problems, no matter how negative or positie I look at them. They are still there. I know what you all will tell me and trust me I know you are right. I have experienced it myself oh so many times. But why then can't I stick to it? Why is nothing changing? Or why does the bad stuff always return no matter how good I am at LOA or all the other methods? I know I can do it, but "reality" seems to be stronger.
having written all that sth happened, as it usually does, it is quite an up and down the last few weeks, but quite interesting: suddenly I feel a burts of energy, I want to put on my skinny jeans and Dr. Martens boots, a T-shirt and a flannell shirt, put on some make-up and steo tino the day. Oh wow. I'll never get it, and it is always the same: whenever I'm in doubt, sth like that happens. Why can't I get it?? Anyway, I'll grab my guitar now and practice a bit (have taken this day off after having worked all weekend).
yes, you are right with everything and I know all that for a very long time now - I only write form time to time to get my throughts straight again, like in a diary. As you have seen, very often it dissolves on its own (so I got my head straight again ;-)).
I don't have anxiety or panic attacks. I know because I had them years ago, I know the difference between a panic attack and being scared or nervous on a normal level. So I don't suffer from that, I don't fear fear any longer as I mentioned in my starting posting, and I'm glad I don't. It is such a useless waste of time. However, I'm still a quite worrysome person, as I also mentioned. The fear doesn't get very deep but it is there quite a lot. You are right about shifting the thoughts and that is sth I do a lot, with success. The only thing I just cannot achieve is visualizing a really healthy me with some nice surprises in life.
Thee That Be .... I am Thee
I am I
I am One I am and I am All I am
I I I .... countless I .... ever I
I The The .... The-Here, The-This , The-Is ... The All 'n All
I-See, I-Sight, and I-Seen
I-Infinitely I-Infinite I-Infinity