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Hi,

I haven't been here for quite a while, but I have a question today that plagues me. I had a lot of anxiety in my life, panic attacks, it was not very nice. That is over since long now but I still have a lot of nervousness and urge to controll things. Whenever I have fear that sth bad will happen (and yes, I often have this fear, even though I know it makes no sense living in the future) - and this fear always concerns my kids in a way, that they might become ill, that I might not be able being there for them because sth bad might happen so me etc. - I don't react with more fear or even panic, I just acknowledge it is there and try not to judge (well, it is getting on my nerves, tbh), but I cannot seem to get rid of it for a long time, or it never stops at all deep down there. I have come to the conclusion that I simply lack basic trust. I never, ever have the feeling sth could end up positively, in a good way, I only see the worst outcome.

And things keep showing up, problems keep showing up....I don't have the feeling I ever get a day or two where I can relax because some sword of Damocles is always hanging above me. Meanwhile I have given up all wishes, hopes and expectations for a better future (don't get me wrong, my life has become better in many way, especially financially, but there are other areas that have gotten worse, like my health, or being without any love in my life - romantical love - since 9 years now, so I often wonder what the point is.), at least for myself. I still hope my kids will have a healthy, great and happy life, but for myself I have pretty much come to terms that this is it and my only hope is that things won't go down the drain completely for me. I wish I had more trust, but I can't think of a way to change that.

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yes, I try to ignore my feelings and thought and practise more changing those negatie for positive ones. I know all this, I did it before successfully, but from time to time I seem to forget. Thank you!

Exactly!! 

I do my best to focus on things I want to have happen for me like in the Abrham Hicks teachings: Make lists of, "Wouldn't it be nice if...." every day!

You are right, but as I said, I often get cynical and then I am absolutley not willing or able to think in another direction. It's me shooting in my own foot. Why is that so? Where can I buy another mind, please?

Does it actually work though?  I mean have you actually seen any changes as looking at some of your previous posts there doesnt seem to be any.

You know what I just noticed? I checked my basic feeling about life on the whole and turns out I seem to have resigned to life as it is since quite a while. Frustration comes up from time to time when I want things to change, but on the whole it seems I have come to terms with it all, probably beacuse I don't think things will change a lot. And the astonishing thing is: I feel calmer this way because I have largely given up expectations or dreams or desires (at least for myself - for my family I want the whole good package and I will always fight for that!). This is not where I wanted to end, tbh, but it reflects pretty much what I think about life by now: too much fighting and working and too little fun. ;-)

Strangely I'm not depressed or anything like that, I only feel some relief not to have to fight so much anymore and just let things be. Only sometimes I get really pissed ^^! On the whole I have a good life and I'm grateful for all the things I have, I wished I was healthier and had more energy and other things than only work, and that I would wake up looking forward to the day and not simply wake up and start working und til it is evening again. I need to figure out which way I want to follow and how this can be done. This seems to be the hardest about it all.

Okay great awarenesses you have already.  I would like to just point out a few points that jump out at me.  You say you have resigned to life.  However if you are desiring change then that’s not really true.  You see if you were resigned (or perhaps acceptance is a better term) of it, then you could create from that space without any resistance.  Now there is a difference in acceptance, in that its really about being aware of where you are in the present moment, and then working out where you desire to be in the future and taking steps towards that.  Its not about being a doormat for people to walk all over, or being a victim of circumstances. 

Now expectations and intentions are a “in vogue” term that’s used a lot in the LOA circles, and to some degree I think they are misunderstood and misused in teaching everyone about the LOA.  Intentions or expectations are often where people block themselves and set up resistance.  The easiest example is one you will see on the forum a lot where people want to get back with their ex’s.  They don’t recognise why their former relationship ended, and will often suggest that their ex is the only love of their life and soulmate (but therein is probably a lot of the confusion as soulmate isn’t necessarily a loving relationship but someone who has come to help you grow and evolve).  They are so convinced that their ex is the right “one” that they dismiss all others that the universe sends their way.  Same is true with someone desiring to create a relationship.  If they follow the basic advice, they create a shopping list of all the characteristics and attributes they think they desire (which may not actually be theirs but things they have been told by other people that “good relationships are” or “have” etc).  They get so stuck on the idea of that exact thing and their expectations are so focused on it looking in a particular way that they block out and prevent all other kinds of relationships that the universe sends them and as a result they end up more unhappy and then go off and say the LOA doesn’t work when they got exactly what they were focusing on and vibrating at, and they dismissed it all because it didn’t match their exact idea in their logical minds.

The realisiation you have on too much fighting and working and not enough fun is absolutely brilliant, because you will often find when you make fun a priority, and you actually get into the enjoyment of life that things start magically happening as a result of being in that state.  The actual premise of feeling good is so overlooked and I think its not talked about highly enough in LOA, because no matter what your circumstances, when you feel good its like the weight of the world just vanishes from your shoulders (something I know you have mentioned previously). 

Also if you try to figure it out, you are working from the mental level and using the mind which is designed to create and solve problems, so you will always find something to fix when you look at things through the mental level.  Its not about figuring anything out, but rather being what you are in your purest essence, getting clear on what you desire and then allowing it to come ot you with ease and joy.

Thank you for this detailed explanation! Highly appreciated!

But what comes to my mind immediately, especially with the last paragraph, is, hat I simply can't remember feeling good most of the time. It is getting harder and harder. Just as an example: I used to draw on memories of visits to the sea, to cities like Rome, London etc. endlessly, but I can't draw on them any longer as they have faded long ago and I sinmply cannot remember anymore what the sea smelled like, how the air there felt, what a good feeling I had there or in those favourite cities of mine because the last time I travelled was 13 years ago. Then the financial problems started and even though we are better off financially, we still have debts to pay off so there is never money left at the end of the month for savings. At least we can pay our bills and buy good food and stuff for the boys etc. I also can't remember feeling loved. I am married, but things happened years ago and I really stopped loving my husband in a romantical way. We are still together because we want to, we get along well, like friends, and we are good parents. But we aren't in love anymore like a couple normally is or should be. We are friends, but even that seems to fade as I get more and more frustrated about life and I miss being held and beling loved and even though I wish him only the best in life, I also feel a lot resentment because I'm not young anymore and feel I won't ever be happy again, with a man. So anger and frustration has eaten up a lot of the good feelings and memories I had inside. I guess I'm doing a lot of things wrong, but I absolutely don't want to leave this relaitonsship because it would cause way more problems than staying in it, even though you might call me crazy. So, this is rather incoherent, sorry.

I don#t want to sound as if I don#t have any good in my life, because it isn't true. I am one of those people who really stop to smell the roses, if you know what I mean! I enjoy the little things in life, I love being in nature, in my garden, I love my kids more than life, I love my dog (maybe this is also a difficult part for me: last year my beloved dog died, not even 8 years old, and it simply broke my heart. He was my best friend, I could tell him everything and he was always there for me. I even cry when writing this, I miss him like hell. We got another dog a few months after he did, and I love him dearly, but of course he is a new chapter in our life and no replacement for Mickey.), but I'd love to have sth in my life that makes my heart sing, and there hasn#t been anything like that for so many years now and I don't expect to be anything like that in the future. As you said, I accepted it, but sometimes I don't. But it is a good thing I could get it all off my chest , thanks for listening!

I had the same question one time and posed it to Jerry and Esther and Jerry spoke somewhat (as he used to) with a lot of insight.  Its not about feeling good all the time.  Life has ups and downs (and that’s part of the beauty of it) but the essence is that we all have free will and free choice.  So whenever something “bad” is happening, we are free to choose it as we choose it. 

With your example (great one by the way) its not about going to the past to recreate what has happened because that would be dull and boring.  Instead, what if you used the elements that you liked during those trips to look at how you could incorporate something similar into your life right now or in the future.  It doesn’t have to be a trip to Rome or London per se, but it can equally be going to the next town and discovering a beautiful place where you just feel amazing, or going to the ocean and walking on a beach and feeling wonderful and connected, or going to a forrest or woods and feeling the earth and nature nourishing you.

You say you can’t remember feeling loved – well that may actually be a good thing, because it lets you create it afresh.  Sometimes looking at what you think it feels like to be loved, can actually help you shift vibrationally.  You are loved by the universe completely and wholely as you are right now.  That is sometimes difficult to accept or recognise but it’s the true essence of your being or you wouldn’t be here. 

The statements you are telling yourself are (no surprise) not helping you feel better either.  “I’m not young anymore” or “I wont ever be happy again with a man” (why you would even add “with a man” is curious too – would you need a man to be happy?).  The anger and frustration are just your focus and then you reinforce them with negative statements like that and no wonder you feel unhappy.  Its not incoherent, but you have already labelled and defined and judged the relationship into that state of existence and thus you have in essence said to the Universe “this is not changing”.  Its interesting isn’t it. 

You are in the process of accepting it, but you aren’t quite there yet because if you had this wouldn’t be of concern for you at all and you wouldn’t mention it.  So its completely understandable and I would encourage you to show yourself compassion during this tricky time and to give yourself a break in some shape or form.  Doing something that makes your heart sing is a great phrase but it may be a bit too much for you to try to do in this state because you will block yourself.  I know you indicate money is better but still tight, but it doesn’t have to cost money to feel good.  Getting together with a friend or your dog and having a good laugh and play may do you the world of good and start helping you to shift if you wanted (for example).  There are many other possibilities too. 

You are powerful and loved and you just don't realise or recognise that just yet but it will come in time.

Thank you really so much for taking so much time!

it is really interesting what you say, and just having retunred fomr my daily walk with doggie in the woods, where we met lovely people which was nice, I always feel much more connected and whole than before. So, I can say I definitely do several of the things you suggested, because of course I know they make me feel better. Sth tiny like my sea sand peeling I use in the shower: some sand is always as a debris at the bottom of the tub, and I always put my hand on it because it feels like being at the sea (unfortunately, I have no sea anywhere near me - if I had I'd be there very, very often, you bet!), or sometimes I smell a whiff in the air that reminds me of the boxwoods I smelled in Rome, of around Christmas I always buy mince pies and have them with tea, so it is almost like being in London. I enjoy these things a lot!

I know I'm sabotaging myself with that self-talk, and I try to eliminate it as much as possible. At the moment I'm not very good at it, but the good thing is, I know it is getting better. Then I don't have that many problems with my life anymore, even though the problems don't solve themselves, of cours.e But they don't weigh that much.

I guess I expresse myself incorrectly with regards to a man. What I really mean is: I miss having sex (sorry for being so blunt). I never was a woman who needed a man to feel whole, but I miss being hugged or kissed. I wouldn't want a new relationsship, only some affection now and then.

Money is certainly no menas to be happy, but having money is way less stressful than having none and struggling every day to get enough to buy food. That is what it was like in the past many times, but that is over, and I don't lie awake all night with sweating with fear how to pay the bills or buy food or clothes. So when you always have to worry about that you almost have no time or inclination to feel happy.

Showing myself compassion or even love myself is sth I'm a complete failure in. Really. I like my intellectual properties, that I'm good at my job etc., but I can't say I like myself. I just can't. When somebody makes a compliment, I not only wave it aside, it is out of the question that the compliment is dishonest. I don't even have any negative feelings about that. For me it is just a fact. I also doubt people could really like me, even though some of them obviously do. I still don't believe it. Yeah, I'm a weirdo for sure ;-)

Anyway, my modd is much better now after having been for a walk and thankfully I have enough work on my desk, so not much time thinking silly things.

The sea was just an example, but it doesn’t have to be the sea at all.  It could be a river, or even the “woods” that you were at. 

With self talk, it just about practice.  That’s all.  You notice it and you can change it there and then.  You will get better and better the more you do it.  With the man and sex situation, it may be something that your current partner could change if you had that discussion.  It can often be surprising to be honest because you will often discover that the person you are talking to has similar feelings. 

Now “when you always have to worry about that you almost have no time or inclination to feel happy” is just a belief and again self talk that is disempowering you.  It doesn’t have to be a prolonged time to be happy, even a simple 5-10 seconds is enough.  Likewise, showing compassion – you are being way too hard on yourself.  Likewise, you are wanting to run before you can walk, deal with things as and when they come up and practice now so you get used to doing it and it will become easier and easier.  It is not a “fact” but simply a belief and the good news is that you can change this if you really desire to.  Also “weird” actually used to mean “something magical” and so maybe you are a “weirdo” in the magical sense! 

lots of insights for me from this, thank you so much!

You are right, I'm so inpatient, always been ;-). I've learned a lot in the last decade, but obviously not enough. I will start right away.

Only one more thing: I wouldn't want sex with my husband, that would feel like having sex with my brother, uuuugggghhhh. Our rlationshsip has simply completely changed, no romantic feelings anymore, only benevolent and friendly ones (and sometimes not, like in any relationship). But then again, we are not the only ones. I'm glad we still can talk and raise our kids in unison.

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