I haven't been here for quite a while, but I have a question today that plagues me. I had a lot of anxiety in my life, panic attacks, it was not very nice. That is over since long now but I still have a lot of nervousness and urge to controll things. Whenever I have fear that sth bad will happen (and yes, I often have this fear, even though I know it makes no sense living in the future) - and this fear always concerns my kids in a way, that they might become ill, that I might not be able being there for them because sth bad might happen so me etc. - I don't react with more fear or even panic, I just acknowledge it is there and try not to judge (well, it is getting on my nerves, tbh), but I cannot seem to get rid of it for a long time, or it never stops at all deep down there. I have come to the conclusion that I simply lack basic trust. I never, ever have the feeling sth could end up positively, in a good way, I only see the worst outcome.
And things keep showing up, problems keep showing up....I don't have the feeling I ever get a day or two where I can relax because some sword of Damocles is always hanging above me. Meanwhile I have given up all wishes, hopes and expectations for a better future (don't get me wrong, my life has become better in many way, especially financially, but there are other areas that have gotten worse, like my health, or being without any love in my life - romantical love - since 9 years now, so I often wonder what the point is.), at least for myself. I still hope my kids will have a healthy, great and happy life, but for myself I have pretty much come to terms that this is it and my only hope is that things won't go down the drain completely for me. I wish I had more trust, but I can't think of a way to change that.
You aren't the only one who is inpatient and absolutely you have learned a lot in the last decade (but notice your thoughts "obviously not enough" - says who? that kind of thought isn't going to help you feel good). You learned and have done all you can with the knowledge you had - and that was the best for you at that moment in time, and it produced results. Now you are after different results and they will come but you need new skills or habits and you are learning those.
Re sex with your husband, it isn't actually anything like having sex with your brother. You had to have done it a few times to have kids, but you have already shut that choice and option down for yourself with that statement rather than explore how that could work for you. So I guess it means you cannot have sex now. You aren't willing to do anything to create that within your life so its a valid choice you are making. No shame or judgment in that, it just is what it is.
Relationships can and do change, and this one could change again but you have already shut that down with your words, thoughts and energy. It can change again when you are ready.
thank you, lots to think about. and you are right, that thing with my husband is definitely done, I don't want it anymore, period :).
thank you, I guess you are right :)
I only wanted to give a short update to this:
as for the legal issue, I still don't have any news from the authorities (sure, they are so busy at the moment ruining small CBC shops all over Germany and filing lawsuits against them...this is so insane). However, I have learned to stay calm about that. Probably not in the way I should. I'm simply not able to visualize the best possible outcome for myself in this. I simply can't. Not possible. So the only way to calm myself down is by accepting it all, no matter what comes out of it.This is porbably due to my attitude I have developed in the last few years (I menitoned it before): I accept, I have come to terms with it all. I haveaccepted that I wake up every morning with an aching body, I have accepted that I experience weird and scary symptoms (and always new ones as soon as another subsides ;-) ), I'm no longer scared by them, I have accepted that life is what it is. I have no sepcieal expectations other than only to make it for another few years until my boys are old enough. I said this all before. The weird thing is: I don't even feel sorry for myself or depressed, buth rather stoic. Andnow that I feel this way, I can really accept it all. But no matter what, I cannot visualize a better future for me. It is as if there was nothing more ridiculous in the wordl than me being healthy, full of joy. I don't mean the joy I feel about a flower, or about being in nature or when looking at my kids. This is a very deep and subtle joy that fills me up which is really good. I mean the stuff all others seem to feel: going out, having fun, looking forward to sth. I never look forward to something, I wouldn't know what that should be anyway. There doesn't seem to be anything left I desire. Not sure if that is good or not, but I feel that if I had the choice, I wouldn't want to come back for another turn after I have died one day - no reincarnation, please!! :) My days are not gloomy or sad, I am rather bored, because there is nothing but work and solving problems in my life. And when I look back that is all that there has ever been. And I look around and almost all the world is the same, or even worse. I absolutely DO recognize the lovely and positive things that happen, otherwise I wouldn't be able to live at all, nobody would. But in comparison to all the bad happening it is tiny. Yes, I know, it is all a reflection of that is going on inside, but then I have to say sorry, I can't help it. it is too much. I can't ignore everything that is going on every day all day. I have to deal with those problems, no matter how negative or positie I look at them. They are still there. I know what you all will tell me and trust me I know you are right. I have experienced it myself oh so many times. But why then can't I stick to it? Why is nothing changing? Or why does the bad stuff always return no matter how good I am at LOA or all the other methods? I know I can do it, but "reality" seems to be stronger.
having written all that sth happened, as it usually does, it is quite an up and down the last few weeks, but quite interesting: suddenly I feel a burts of energy, I want to put on my skinny jeans and Dr. Martens boots, a T-shirt and a flannell shirt, put on some make-up and steo tino the day. Oh wow. I'll never get it, and it is always the same: whenever I'm in doubt, sth like that happens. Why can't I get it?? Anyway, I'll grab my guitar now and practice a bit (have taken this day off after having worked all weekend).
I know anxiety and panic attacks are a huge challenge for suffers, and so my heart goes out to you on this. Now nervousness isn’t actually always a bad thing. It can be a good thing too – just want to share as a lot of people have nervousness and automatically judge it as bad, but it isn’t and can actually be a really beautiful talent and ability. The need or urge to control things is a great awareness you have. Sadly it’s a impossible mission you are giving yourself and no wonder you are nervous or anxious if that’s what you are trying to do.
Now if this occurs with your children, please don’t’ judge it as a bad thing. It may get on your nerves I get that, but it doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. Acknowledging it is great, but then making a choice to focus on something else or even affirming a positive in its place (using the law of opposition) may be a great step in helping to alleviate things. Now you say you have come to the conclusion that you simply lack basic trust. Its not actually a conclusion but a judgment and an order you have placed with the universe (that you can change). So how would your life be different if you did have trust? What would be different compared to now out of interest? You see we often say we desire things, but have no idea how that would actually look like if it showed up (and therefore it can’t show up).
Now you say you wish things could end up positively and In a good way but that you only see the worst outcome. Well at some level that is a choice you are making, and its completely valid. Some people love suffering and misery and do it non stop. That works for them, and that’s great that they enjoy it. For me, I choose something different. I desire to be happy and so I focus on happy things as often as possible. I am not happy 100% of the time all the time (that would probably be boring LOL) but I know when I am not feeling 100% or on top of the world, I can access good feelings or thoughts to help me feel better. The same is precisely true for you. So when you know your mind is fretting over possible worst outcomes, why not actively think the oppositive positive outcome (which in the beginning may seem difficult or impossible). Simply starting your mind off slowly and actively thinking a positive will often deflate the energy behind the thought. So for example, if you have a feeling that the children may get ill, what about changing that to “maybe the children may get sick, but they are young and healthy and growing and developing” and “children all over the world get sick throughout their lives, and this is just the right time for my children” and “they will be better real soon and I am so glad we have the resources availabile to help them deal with this illness etc”. Can you see how looking at positives neutralizes the negative and motivates you?
Giving up wishes, hopes and expectations for a better future is actually really good to do – because often times we have such a precise idea of how we think the future has to turn out that we block the real goodness coming to us. Instead, getting into the present moment, in your body and enjoying the present moment is the real gift to allowing life to give you abundance and its not always something you can control (nor should you – sometimes life will orchestrate things even better than you could ever imagine if you let it).
Like anything if you really desire to change something you can (and will) but its important to recognize that you may not be willing or truly desire to change that too (which is absolutely fine and a valid choice).
yes, you are right with everything and I know all that for a very long time now - I only write form time to time to get my throughts straight again, like in a diary. As you have seen, very often it dissolves on its own (so I got my head straight again ;-)).
I don't have anxiety or panic attacks. I know because I had them years ago, I know the difference between a panic attack and being scared or nervous on a normal level. So I don't suffer from that, I don't fear fear any longer as I mentioned in my starting posting, and I'm glad I don't. It is such a useless waste of time. However, I'm still a quite worrysome person, as I also mentioned. The fear doesn't get very deep but it is there quite a lot. You are right about shifting the thoughts and that is sth I do a lot, with success. The only thing I just cannot achieve is visualizing a really healthy me with some nice surprises in life.
Great re anxiety or panic attacks. Wonderful re not feeling fear (False Evidence Appearing Real).
Likewise being worried can be fun and it can use up energy and that can sometimes be a good thing, as it forces us to recognise we are overusing our own energy. So rather than think this is a bad thing, recognies its your body's reaction and work with it (rather than against your body) to deal with it differently.
Re visualising a health you with nice surprises, start out smaller instead if you are struggling. Start out by imaginging you get some small but nice surprises instead and how you would feel and respond. Try it now. Imagine if you were in a coffee shop and went to pay and the till worker told you its "on the house". That may seem like a small example, but if you can start to imagine that you can start to attract things like that, and starting with smaller goals like this makes you get used to and feel better creating more and more and its just practice.
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