Hello!! I'm new here!! :)

Hi everyone! I've decided to join the new users of the LOA.My story is that for 7 years of my life (believe it or not) 10 years old to 17 years old- I lived this law unconciously. and believed in it with such ferocity that nothing- not even my family who consistantly tried to make me believe otherwise- could get me out of my beautiful blissfull world.Now, I'm 18- and I've fallen in a place which I never imagined existed.Depression.suddenly- I started getting panic attacks 7 or 8 times a day. I ended up in the hospital to have the doctors tell me my heart is too stressed out and at this rate- if I keep going like this- very soon my heart will be many years older than my body. I've developed an irregular heart beat, blood deficiancies, and cronic insomnia because I fell into this deep hole at the beginning of my senior year (this past september):Where's my stuff?I felt like senior year was the time for me to recieve- it was perfect timing. But it didn't. and I was let down so hard that I'm still trying to find my way back up. That's why I'm here at the beginners again.I went from:-I know it's going to happen exactly how I want it!-It's all going to come to me my way!-I'm so lucky to be where I am because where I am now is perfect for where I want to be!-I can feel myself there right now! I'm already there!Into going to:-What makes me so different from everyone else?-Now I have to do all of these obligations... is life all obligations?-Ok- so if I'm taking this action because it's the right thing (and I am because it feels right)- how is it going to lead me to where I want to be? how how how???-I don't see the connection between where I am now and where I want to be-How do I know this is working??-It's not working is it. I know it's not. I have nothing. I'm not special.-I'm not going to get what I want. I'm never going to be happy.-you're just another statistic.I fear to want what I really want now. I almost fear the LOA and I wonder if that's why my heart and mind are battling so much.This almost makes me want to cry when I think about this:Everytime I'm happy, or laughing with my friends a voice in my head shouts this at me:'What are you so happy about? Where's what you want? You have nothing! Because you've done nothing because you are absolutely nothing! Do something now now now now now- even if it doesn't feel good! it's not supposed to feel good!'I feel kind of stupid and embarassed for writing this. Instead of blaming the world- I blame myself. and I beat myself up constantly.Somehow I can't get rid of the doubt, the worry, the anger, the frustration that's built up over me since september... I feel so discouraged and useless.I'm not the girl I once was. People use to always come up to me and ask me for inspiration and for advice, now I can't give that to anyone. I can't even give it to myself.Here's my goal this very minute: I want to get out of this slump. I want to get rid of all of this and get back to who I was. I want to have faith and trust this secret. I want to be on here giving people advice and inspiring others.Please, some help and advice would be wonderful. I posted on the main boards once, but nobody really listened :/Thank you all. I give you all my love <3Jane

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  • Jane, I know exactly what you´re going through, I´ve actually been there myself and the problem that I think you may be facing is that you know what makes you happy, you know what you have to do to get out of this situation and maybe you even know how you got there. But the thing is maybe you don´t find the strength in you (which I know that you have) to do all of this is or that the things that you´ve thought about probably would make you happy if you weren´t depressed, so the first thing that you have to do is make sure that you are taken care of medically. Remember that LOA will work for disease but it must be combined with medication if needed. And, honey, please keep in mind that you WILL be the person that you were, but take care of yourself because if you don´t, you may feel frustrated. Good luck.
  • petra,

    I think the thing is for the most part I've gotten over what my family has said. I faced that for 7 years until they accepted what I want- and yes we still don't agree on a lot of things but we have come to some understanding.

    Now what I'm facing I fear is the rest of the world- that's a lot bigger of a problem. People that I don't even know are saying things that are effecting me to such a negative extent it's frightening.

    I've never heard of growing into woman hood to be so exhausting, tyring and sad- lol, but I hope i come out of this better than before. Up to this point I'm just hoping that I come out of this period.

    Jane
  • First of all, Jane, you are very special. Somehow along the way the real you got lost in the shuffle. It's okay. It happens. Don't beat yourself up. Recognizing you want to be in a different place is the first step. Contrast. Now you get to move up the ladder from here. It may not happen overnight, but you will get there. Let your soul be your guide. What makes you feel good? Creating? Reading? Taking a walk? Even the littlest thing will move you in the right direction. It might help to just quiet your mind and give it a rest in order to listen to your inner guide.

    I've been where you are and it's not real happy. It may take some time, but your Inner Being will get through. It's time to be selfish and focus on you. Keep it simple and don't look at the whole picture just yet. There is time enough for that. You have so much to offer and so much time ahead of you. You were there once, you can be there again.

    Keep us posted.
    • Thank you idaho, I've been doing my best to focus on me, but me just keeps bringing a downfall haha

      I know exactly what makes me feel good- and I participate in those activities everyday. Walking, running, writing, painting- all of them.
      But my mind thinks too much. It's ruining everything lol.

      I know myself, I know who I am. I am confident in what I want and I know who I am to such an extent that the fact that my mind is betraying me has become devastating.

      Because I love the person I am! As Bob Proctor says, "Mwah! I could just kiss myself!" I'm the kinda girl who reads Kerouac and Austen- who is artistic and thinks for herself, a girl that has a sense of humor and a personality that brightens up everyone's day. I've lost that girl. She's so lost- she's somewhere in me but there's so much between me and her right now. All of these voices and all of these walls- I want them gone. I want to live in bliss and be confident that what I want is coming.

      I don't know if I can make it through this if it takes too long. I'm a strong person but I find that I'm thinking less about life and finding more relief in the idea of death. This is unconsious mind you- I'm not sitting here thinking about death. But the moment my mind hear's the word- it's like relief fills my body. I don't want to be this and it's scaring me a little- and it's definatly not helping.

      The good thing is- and I hope this is a sign: that those time's when I'm blissfully happy are happening for an hour or two at a time now before that voice pops into my head- before it was maybe 5 or 10 minutes that I'd have happiness at a time.

      and I'm so frightened because I see my sister and she nearly kills herself over everything, there isn't a night where she doesn't call home and cry to my parents till 2 in the morning. Everyone that surounds me is so unhappy- and it doesn't help in pulling me up.

      I hope I'm not the only person who's felt this, I feel kind of ashamed for becoming this person who's so far from who I once was.

      ANY help would be magnificent, god bless you all.
      <3
      Jane
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