I don't want to make this too long but I really want to reiterate what everybody else says: FOCUS ON YOU!
My boyfriend and I broke up on May 1. Our relationship had taken a turn for the worst. I struggle with abandonment issues which causes me to be insecure in relationships from fear of people leaving me.I was controlling and jealous. On top of that I had a really hard time controlling my emotions and was prone to having outbursts of extreme anger.
When we broke up I DID NOT call, text, email, etc AT ALL! I immediately began to focus on myself. I knew I had become somebody that i did not like so my main focus was to go against all the things that I would normally do. Normally, i would call a billion times, or send a text apologizing without even thinking deeply enough about the issues. The first week I grieved. I would go to work, come home, cry , drink, repeat. The second week I went on a trip with my best friend. During this trip my then ex text me. I did not respond! Why?
1. I WAS FOCUSED ON ME!
-During the relationship I put my happiness and self worth in the hands of my boyfriend. Remember, I was going against all the things I would normally do. So instead of answering the text I continued to enjoy my trip. I ate, drank and saw the sites with my best friend. I truly began to live in the moment!
-The immediate days following a break up both parties, dumper and dumpee, are still emotionally raw. Anything said can and will be used against you lol. I felt that there was no way for me to have a conversation at this point without it ending in an argument that would result in him moving further away emotionally. I decided that at the minimum I would wait three weeks before talking to him.
- Like I said I suffer from abandonmnent issues and I didn't realize how bad it was until the break up. I took this time to research abandonment issues and how it manifests itself in relationships and how to heal and cope. If I would have stayed in contact with my ex, this self reflection would not have been possible and their would have been no growth on my part.
I eventually got to a point where I was GRATEFUL for the break up. I was so used to blaming others for my emotional mess ups and now I had the opportunity to take responsibility for myself and I did and it felt so good! I was at a point where there was no desperation tied to my feelings about him. YES I WANTED HIM, but i didnt NEED him anymore! I knew then that I was I was mentally and emotionally ready to tell the universe what i wanted. Notice I said TELL not ask. I said "I am so grateful ____ and i are together in a loving, healthy, fun relationship" Anytime I got down about what happened I would repeat this to myself.
When my then ex and I finally came face to face I could tell there were some negative emotions on his end because he blatantly ignored me. We work together and in the past when we would argue that's how he would act, ESPECIALLY if i was the cause of the argument. I was reminded that he was hurting too. At that point it had been exactly three weeks since we spoke so i text him saying that" I hope there arent any hard feelings, I just didnt know how to respond without starting an argument and that's the last thing I want to do." To which he responded positively. I did not mention getting back together, I did not try to force a full conversation.
During this time ANOTHER test of my faith came. We are both military and decided months ago to go to our next duty station together. The problem was that I had received verification that I was going where we had agreed on, he HAD NOT! He even stated out loud that there was a possibility that he would be going back to his hometown.I began to get very anxious, so as soon as I got home, I lit my sage, grabbed my amethyst and rose quartz , calmed myself and told the universe that I wanted him to get verification that he was going to the same place as me.
FINAL STEP! LETTING GO! This is no doubt the hardest part. I gave myself a pep talk and repeatedly told myself that I would be fine regardless of if we ended up together or not. I would tell myself out loud LET HIM GO! I would repeat it until it no longer brought tears to my eyes. Because I knew at this point things were totally out of my control. I could control and change myself and how i interacted with him to get him back but what I could not do was override the military on what they do concerning him. I took this as another test from the universe. I had already successfully controlled and dealt with my emotions, now I needed to release the need to control not only my boyfriend but the situation in general. I had written him an apology letter and decided it was the perfect time to give it to him. In the letter I thanked him for all the lessons he taught me about myself and how grateful i was to him for that. I didn't say anything about us getting back together. I wanted him to know how much value he had added to my life and that this break up actually FORCED me to look at myself.
He text me thanking me for the letter the next day. I simply sent a smiley face back. Later that night he text me to hang out. I invited him over, we watched movies, talked (not about the relationship), etc. The next day he came back over to borrow toilet tissue lol, then to ask me if i would help him pack lol. I gave him the tissue but declined to help him pack because I had errands to run. In our previous relationship he came first, I would stop doing whatever i was doing if he called or even hinted that he wanted to see me. That was the old insecure me that was always afraid that I was on the verge of losing him.
Last night he asked me on a date. Of course i said yes and we had a wonderful time! I also asked him if he received confirmation on where he was going and guess what? We're going to the same place :) He leaves next week, I 'll be there in Aug. at this point my main focus is rebuilding our actual friendship and emotional connection and of course still working on myself.
I'm not sure if other people look for signs that the universe is working but I do and I decided to talk about those too. One of the first signs I got was when another military friend/ex flame of mine text me to tell me that he was going to the same place. This friend didn't confirmation until several days after me so I took it as the universe telling me it's gonna take bit but it's coming.
While watching a cooking show one of the contestants mentioned loa. They were in the dessert round and by the looks of it he didn't seem like he was going to win. The other contestant's dish looked like restaurant quality. But his looked plain. He said he's not worried about the outcome because he believes in the law of attraction. I continued to watch and of course the contestant with the less aesthetically pleasing dish won! What I got from this was that everything isnt as it seems and that i should be grateful regardless. Even put the phrase as an hourly reminder in my phone.
A couple days later, I was watching a youtube video. It wasn't necessarily about loa , more on the power of prayer but it was basically the same concept. At the very end you know what the guy says? "Everything isn't as it seems, God is always working" I was half way sleep when he said and was doubting that I even heard correctly because the video ended immediately after he said that. Took this as a sign from the universe that my desire was coming.
I did not do a lot of things that people suggest like visualization for example. I did what felt good to me. So i lit my candle and burned sage and slept with rose quartz and amethyst under my pillow. I love singing so I sang ALL the time, I love 90s r&b so my evenings would consist of chores, music and drinking wine lol. I started back running 4 miles a day. I watched all the movies that I was waiting to see with him. I went out dancing with friends. I planned and took trips. I did whatever I had to do to make myself feel good because I wanted to know that I could make myself happy. I wanted to be sure that I honestly felt and knew with all my heart that no matter what I would be ok and that I didn't need to have a romantic attachment to feel fulfilled. I hope i was clear in my communication :)