things have not been too great lately. my cousin was killed in a terrible auto accident, my aunt has hospice coming in.... but im still forcing myself to see the silver lining of life throughout all of this.
things also took a turn for the worst with my love and my heart. rather than going through all the meaningless details i will only share the positive parts because that is what i want to focus on. today a friend of his confirmed that he does in fact have a girlfriend. in my heart i knew this. did i attract that? possibly. i wasn't upset thought because i already sensed it. i asked him if they were serious and he said no bc he says shes clingy. right then at that very moment i was beaming. which is weird because the fact is he is still with someone else but for some reason it didn't bother me. i felt this strange feeling of relief.... like yea he might have a girlfriend but she's not me. he doesn't have me. haha i suddenly felt like running for the hills and spinning in a meadow.
i can't explain it.. i guess i just know i was never clingy. we just worked. we just wanted to spend as much time with eachother as the other... until i found out he was leaving. anyways, in a way i feel free. free to move forward with life. free to trust this process and believe that what is best for me and what i really want will prevail in its timing. right now im dealing with seeing life as a precious gift every day in the face off all the death i have seen. i am also focused on finding a job and am feeling SO great about this for some reason. i can't even explain this feeling.... its just a feeling of knowing. does anyone else know what i mean. maybe im finally focused on the feeling rather than the outcome. which is the whole point.