i fell in love after talking to a wonderful man online for 6 months he decided we should me he lives in moscow russia i live in dublin ireland. he talked to me everyday online wrote me poems listened to me, liked all my photos all facebook he got scared if did not text him back or message back right away. he said i love you right before christmas he said he had never said it to anyone and he wanted us to be together forever. he paid for my flight and hotel and food and gifts when i was in moscow he took care of everything. i got the biggest warmest hug from him ever when he collected me at the airport. his pupils in his eyes dialated when he looked at me he looked so in love he told me he had been dreaming of meeting me for 6 months and now i was finally in his arms. i wanted for nothing when i was with him.
i got scared i had a bad childhood and i feel quiet low he is very attractive and intelligent and there are lots of beautiful girls in russia its famous for them. i was wondering why is he with me, why go true all this effort for a girl from ireland.
i complained about the cold it was -35 i complained about the rude staff i complained about the rude unhelpful people in moscow i complained about him maybe not loving me. he slept with me 3 times a day and gave me anything i wanted. it took care of me like i was the most valuable thing in the world. but i kept questioning why? i dont trust this/ so on valintines day he said " i am not sure you love me i cant make you happy. i am taking my love back i think it was a mistake to tell you i love you so soon.i am unsure, i still adore you and i still want you to be my girl but i cant say i love you cause i dont know."
i was devasted what i had feared the most had come true. its like i attracted to me because it was all i was thinking. i cried for two days. he told me not to cry and he took two days off work to be with me to make sure i was ok. he told me nothing had changed that i still was the most important person in the world to him and he adores me.
but i felt like i had been down graded.
he bought me to the airport he looked so sad to see me go i tried to hug him quickly and go away but he would not let me it was the longest nicest hug ever. he told me he needed a couple of days before we talked on skype again and he said he felt stronger for me than anyone.
i took this as more rejection i began to cry. i went to get my plane thinking i will never see him again.
the planed was delayed for hours i thought i would never get to go home i was then stuck in amsterdam but it was nice then i got home and my brother really missed me. it was nice. my love text me to ask how i was. and then he mailed my on facebook a couple of times but a week pasts and he had not called me and was not talking to me for hours everyday like before. i fecked out and told him i have erased your number if you want me you i am your but i am not happy with your coldness and you have broke my heart by taking back the words i love you. i will be keeping busy doing ballet and trying to be positive. i told him i need to rethink if i want you in my life as you are being cold to me. that was 3 days ago i am going out of my mind thinking i have lost the love of my life but i think all i can do is be busy and wait. i think he got cold feet because i was negative and clingy and insecure that was the girl he feel in love with.
but i am just amazed that he was everything i have ever hoped for and then my fear or rejection took over. i think he think i am crazy and wants nothing to do with me.
i have the gifts he got me and baby cream he got me for my face as my skin was sore becaus eof the cold i have it on my dresser to remind myself how kind he was and how crazy i was for letting fear take over.
the only thing i can do now is back off and wait. as i have already done enough damage
i had no clue my fears were so strong i acted like a crazy woman. even when i was saying things like where are we going are we in a relationship do you really love me. my mind was like heart what are you doing shut up!!